kapachino

Author: Kathleen

  • I Don’t Think It Gets Easier

    Well I’ve gone and gotten myself all emotionally attached to a dying patient and her family again.  Her name is Pam and she’s 49 years old. She has metastatic breast cancer, but when she was admitted to the hospital just a couple of weeks ago she was alert and walking around. Within a few days she had lost the use of her legs, and after another week she was bedbound. She was in denial until a few days ago, hoping for a miracle. We tried to get her transferred to hospice, but she kept making excuses not to go. Finally her doctor had a serious talk with her, and the rest of that day she was in tears. The last thing she said to me coherently, in between sobs, was how happy she was to have had me as her nurse.

    A day later and she stopped talking and focusing. She developed the death rattle in her throat which is so much more disturbing to the family than to the patient. Pam’s husband and mother have been constantly at her side. Since I’ve been her nurse for so long and am always in and out of the room, her mother called me “one of the family.” I’ve been thinking about her all weekend. It keeps me up at night.

    Today I spent a good amount of time talking to Pam’s mother. As we talked, she brushed Pam’s hair. I commented on how pretty it is: a deep, rich red color. Her mother said to me, as she began to cry, “I always wanted a little girl. Even when I was pregnant I knew I was having a girl, and I knew she would have red hair.” I couldn’t help myself; I started to cry too.

    We walked out of the room and she looked me in the eye and said, “How long do you think she has? Honestly.” I told her, honestly, that it could be at any time. We talked about how the world isn’t right; mothers shouldn’t  have to watch their daughters die like this. She gave me a big hug and walked off to make some tough phone calls.

    You know that feeling you get when a beloved pet dies? Afterwards you think that you’ll never get another one because it’s not worth the sadness of losing them. Confronted with the angish that I saw today, I had to fight off that feeling. I had to keep telling myself that it’s worth it to love, it’s worth it to bring children into the world. And it absolutely is. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to struggle with these emotions.

    I have to say, death really sucks. Cancer sucks. In fact, I hate it. I just want it to go away forever. Thank God it will.

  • give me a break

    Ugh, so I have lots of posts swarming around in my head to share with you, but since my computer isn’t working (I’m using my husband’s which I’m not used to and doesn’t have my pictures on it), we’re STILL not at home and probably won’t be for a couple more days (and even then we have to get the house in order; it’s a complete wreck now), and I’m trying to keep up with work, triathlon training, and church stuff, I’m just going to go ahead and give myself the rest of the week off from the blog. Hopefully by next week things will be more orderly around here and I can get back to normal posts instead of whining ones. Of course, I might change my mind. Either way, stay tuned. I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat already.

  • It Doesn’t Work If You Don’t Use It

    Today, the painters sanded everything. And that’s it. So what should have taken at the most 3 days and been finished by Friday is now going on the 6th day. Oh well. My in-laws’ house is very homey. My parents’ house is homey too, but their guest room has two single beds, and David and I have grown accustomed to sleeping near each other at night. :)

    Also, last night my computer decided to stop working. And now I am inwardly freaking out because I bought an external hard drive, but I have yet to use it.  (Sorry Scott, don’t be disappointed in me!) And just as soon as I finish typing this I am going to troubleshoot my computer and pray very hard that I haven’t lost all my pictures and the project that I’ve been working on and have to present to get promoted at work.

    And then I’m going to have some fudge cake and maybe a little ice cream, and all will be right with the world.

  • I Worked Up the Energy to Write An Update

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    This is what’s left of the annual nurse’s gala that we went to last night. I was one of three finalists for the Outstanding Graduate Nurse for my hospital. I know you’re on the edge of your seat, so I’ll just let you know right now that I didn’t win. But I can still put “finalist” on my resume, right?

    We got ourselves all fancied up and drove downtown to the convention center. It happens to be right next door to the Toyota Center, where the Rockets were playing in a playoff game, and Minute Maid Park, where the Astros also had a game. Obviously the traffic was not ideal. We realized we didn’t have cash, so we had to drive around to find an ATM. Easier said than done when you’re not used to all the one-way streets and lack of parking that is downtown. We ended up having to park seven blocks away in an “event parking lot” where a guy on a bicycle with a little carriage behind him asked us if we wanted a ride to the game. We opted to walk. Once we were there, it was quite nice and I am grateful that David got to meet my coworkers. I’m also grateful for the delicious chocolate fondue dessert they served, even though it kept me up past my bedtime.

    When we came home our living room looked like this:

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    So the painters did finally come, even though they sure are taking their time getting everything done. We accidentally set the house alarm before going to sleep and had a rude awakening this morning when the painters set it off on their way in. They basically kicked us out, so now we’re staying with my in-laws. When we went home this evening to pick up some of our things, it looked like this:

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    It’s covered in primer, and now we feel like we’re living the scene in E.T. when everything is white and covered in plastic. We’re just missing our space suits.

    In other news, I’ve missed three days of triathlon training due to previous commitments, so this morning I picked back up by going for a run. Afterward I went to give blood and I had to be deferred because my hematocrit was low. (It seemed high to me, although as an oncology nurse my views of blood counts are a little skewed. Cancer patients have notoriously low blood counts.) I was disappointed, but this is probably for the best because I have been inordinately exhausted all day, in fact it’s taken me this whole time just to work up the energy to write this post, and imagine what I would have been like if I had been deprived of a pint of my oxygen carrying life fluid. I rescheduled for Thursday, so hopefully by that time my red blood cells will have recouped themselves.

    Thanks for tuning in to this edition of my haphazard life, and hopefully I’ll be back soon with pictures of our finished living room.

  • The Cost of a Deal

    First, we (I) stressed out about how much it costs to have our living room and kitchen cabinets painted. Then we decided to do it ourselves. Then we got an amazing deal through a friend and scheduled them. We chose and purchased paint, I cleared everything out of our cabinets, David pushed all our furniture away from the wall, and we dropped our dogs off at our parents’ house. Our house is in upheaval, but everything was ready.

    Except…the painters forgot about us. When we got home from work today, they hadn’t come.

    I suppose it’s my fault for not calling to confirm, but I guess I just placed trust in a professional business. When I called the painter, my suspicions were confirmed: he forgot. But the thing is, we’re getting a deal, so who are we to complain? They are now coming on Friday, but if they don’t show up, what are we going to do? We’re going to wait, because we’re not rich. It’s better than doing it ourselves, and we can’t pay full price.

    It’s the same thing with our furniture. We ordered it in February. It still isn’t here. It was supposed to come last week, but due to flooding the shipment got postponed. I am wondering if it will ever come at all.

    Oh, and there is still the drywall to be replaced in our bathroom from the leak in our attic. Once again, we have a friend who is supposed to be fixing it for us, but I don’t know when it will get done. Sometimes you get what you pay for, but as new homeowners we don’t have the money to pay for it all at once.