kapachino

Author: Kathleen

  • hurricane harvey and other updates

    When I resumed blogging I told myself no pressure. Post when you feel like it! Don’t impose a schedule on yourself! I thought that would be difficult for my personality since I’m usually all or nothing, but as it turns out, it has been rather easy! Ha.

    I haven’t had much brain space for deep thinking lately, so here is a list of thoughts. Linking up for Seven Quick Takes.

    1 – The biggest thing that has happened around here recently is, obviously, Hurricane Harvey. First of all: we, along with all of our family, are safe. We are also mostly dry. My parents’ house took on about 6 inches of water and lost a lot, but it will probably be a good thing when it’s all said and done. We are the fortunate ones, as I’m sure you can tell from the news. I can’t describe how depressing it is to see your city in such a state and for life to practically stop for an entire week. As of now, stores are slowly opening and I’ve returned to work. School will be closed for another week, and my Catholic parish is closed until further notice. The recovery begins.

    2 – One bonus to being stuck at home for four continuous days is that I got a bit of crafting mojo back. I learned about Catholic peg dolls, became obsessed, and promptly started making my own. I also began this Jesus cross stitch and, when I work on it, I listen to Catholic podcasts and consider it a time of meditation and devotion.

    3 – I decided change how I use Facebook. During the storm I was checking it constantly and it sealed the deal for me that I only ever feel anxious when I open it up. I ended up making my profile private, unfollowed everyone, and am using it for groups only. I’m already relieved. I’ll still be somewhat active on Instagram for now, though.

    4 – I have probably gained ten pounds from stress-eating and being stuck at home in the past week. While stocking up with supplies I bought a huge bag of dark chocolate sea salt caramels and it is over halfway gone. (#noregrets #maybealittleregret) I was doing really well with exercise until this, and while I think I’ll be able to resume that next week, I have GOT to get my eating under control.

    5 – I’m working on more posts. I haven’t written out the whole story about why I decided to become Catholic yet, so that’s one I’ve begun. And I want to tell you about my struggle with cyclical depression & anxiety, and the process of getting the help I need. Soon I also want to post a list of resources for evangelicals wanting to learn about Catholicism, along with my favorite Catholic podcasts.

    6 – The best (non-Catholic) book I’ve read recently (like in the past two months) is Anything Is Possible by Elizabeth Strout. Second best is At Home in the World by Tsh Oxenreider.

    7 – I’m supposed to have seven items for this list. Turns out I’m having a very hard time coming up with that many. Have a good long weekend!

  • catholic stuff i love: the liturgical year

    Today I want to talk about something that drew me to the Catholic Church: the liturgical year. It’s been on my mind lately because I have just begun using the gorgeous Blessed Is She planner, and I’m re-inspired to celebrate the church year at home. In my downtime you’ll find me Googling “catholic liturgical year” and “living liturgically” and “celebrating the liturgical year at home” and filling up my Pinterest board. #nerd

    Photo from the Blessed Is She website

    The liturgical year is not an expressly Catholic thing. From what I can tell, it is also celebrated by Orthodox, Anglicans, Episcopalians, Lutherans, and to a lesser extent Methodists (although I attend a modern Methodist church that is not liturgical in the least). However, Catholics celebrate many more feast days, especially for saints.

    I am assuming that most people reading this are familiar with what the church year is, but basically it is the cycle of celebrations and observances that determines the Scriptures read, prayers said, and how we live. Here is a simple image that shows the cycle with the basic overview:

    I became interested in the Church Year a long time ago. I knew about it from my own reading and church classes I took in college, along with some vague memories of celebrating parts of it when we attended more liturgical churches in my childhood. I think my interest turned to action when my children started getting old enough to remember traditions that we set in our home. I was also influenced by my Catholic best friend who would speak to me of feast days, and solemnities, and ways that they observed the seasons. It was appealing to me that it was a thing they did with the entire church, not just on their own.

    My personality type is an ISFJ, and we are VERY big on traditions and routines. As I get older and more settled into myself, I realized that I should embrace this. Although the church we attend is about as un-liturgical as you can get, I decided to start celebrating church holidays at home anyway. In fact, I made that a new year’s resolution in 2016.

    Now that I am attending weekly mass, I can say that I find it overwhelmingly meaningful to celebrate the church year with the whole body of Christ. To be reading and meditating on the same Scripture, to be remembering the same events – it feels like such a relief. I feel at home.

    Photo by Every Sacred Sunday – a new mass journal I’m pumped about

    Starting now, my goal is to refine our traditions for Advent, Christmastide, Lent, Easter, and Pentecost. I also plan to take it month by month and try to plan for additional small celebrations at home (or with friends if possible) for the main feast days/observances, and any saints that are important to me or our family. First, I will have to accumulate some resources (like children’s books about saints, props like peg dolls and liturgical colored linens) – I hope to have some basics by the end of the year. Then next year I can begin incorporating these into our routine and share what we do here.

    A note: this is an area in which some people go crazy in a Pinterest-perfect way. And if you stay home, have the time, and it brings you joy, that’s awesome! I personally do not have the time and even though I enjoy this stuff to an extent, I have to rein it in because I would burn out. I never intend to celebrate every feast day (because there are a million), and I want to keep it simple and meaningful.

    I would love to hear if/how you celebrate the liturgical year!

  • bridging the gap

    Last Friday was the feast day of St. John Vianney, the patron saint of the parish church I’ve been attending. They held a special mass followed by a free spaghetti dinner, so I took the opportunity to invite my husband and my parents to attend. As I suspected, they were lured by the free food and came!

    The night ended up being a bit rough for me (my 3-year-old son Liam did not behave AT ALL and I spent most of mass in the cry room), but everyone else seemed to enjoy it. To my surprise, the next day my husband David told me that he would be okay with our family attending Catholic church together from then on, even though he still has no desire to convert.

    This was a really big deal, and I have a lot of emotions about it. My family and I attend a large, modern evangelical church. I actually really love it. The people are genuine, the ministries are vibrant and Holy Spirit-led, the pastor is super smart and practical, and the music is high quality. For the past year I have been teaching Sunday school there to 3-year-olds, and have felt very connected through that.

    But because I have no doubts about joining the Catholic church, I began to pull away from our Protestant church. Last weekend I taught my last Sunday school class (bittersweet). When our small group disbanded a few months ago, I didn’t search for a new one. I haven’t been reaching out to make new friends.

    However, it is very important to me that I attend church with my family. My husband is committed to remaining Protestant and wants that for the kids, too. Both of us wanting to support the other, we made a plan: to attend services at 8:45 AM on Sundays at our church together, and then I would leave straightaway to make the 11:00 AM mass. That is how I figured it would go indefinitely.

    So when David told me that he would be willing to attend mass regularly with me, I was surprised and also sad. I realized that I am not ready to leave our evangelical church. I would miss parts of it a lot. Even though I find more meaning and fullness in attending mass, these Protestant services also enrich my life.

    I have also been taking parenting classes at church through the summer. There is a small group component, and I have been getting to know some of the couples pretty well. Last night one of them asked if we would like to join their regular small group that meets weekly. At first I was excited to be asked, but that feeling was followed by sadness because I had been telling myself to pull away from this church. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could be a really good thing.

    The divisions between Protestants and Catholics are sad. Protestants have SO many misconceptions about Catholics. Here are just a few major ones I can think of:

    • Catholics worship Mary and the saints (they don’t – they honor them)
    • Catholics believe the pope doesn’t sin (nope – he is human just like anyone)
    • Catholics believe you must earn your way to heaven by good works (no, they believe in salvation by grace through faith, and good works are a natural outpouring of that grace in our lives)
    • Catholics aren’t really Christians (actually, they are the original Christians, holding to the creeds)

    I have come to realize that I am in a unique position to bridge the gap between Protestants and Catholics. Being involved in a Protestant group, as a Catholic at heart, would give me the opportunity to show that Catholics are Christians and love Jesus, and we really have more in common than not.

    I know that at some point, I may get overwhelmed and want to cut back on the amount of church I attend. Or maybe I will feel called to be more involved in my Catholic parish and need to step back from involvement in evangelical groups. But for now, I am excited to make friends of all denominations and share the Catholic faith.

  • when your vocation is a cross

    “It’s a good thing you weren’t born Catholic,” my husband said. “You would have become a nun.”

    We were in the car together, without kids, a rare occurrence. It was shortly after his first detox from alcohol relapse back in October (but not the one that would stick). We hadn’t been speaking very much over the past six months, and certainly not about anything deep. Being in the car reduced the awkwardness.

    I thought about what he said. Finally, I replied, “You know, you’re right. I think I’d enjoy being a nun.”

    This was maybe not the best thing to admit to one’s husband, that one would enjoy a lifetime of celibacy foregoing marriage and family. He certainly pretended to be offended. However, at the time the prospect was (and is) appealing. While he was in the trenches of alcoholism, I was in the trenches of single parenthood. I had watched him circle the drain, stuffing my emotions way, deep down. I was enduring a tumultuous relationship with my children, who are intense, and need from me much more than I can give.

    Give me a life of solitude, of sisterhood, of work and prayer. That would be a much lighter cross to bear.

    ***

    There is a reason I wasn’t born Catholic. I really, truly, might have ended up a nun – and then I would have missed out on all this suffering.

    I know that sounds backwards. And honestly, I don’t like how it works. But I have seen consistently in my life that suffering brings me closer to God. It was true in college when I was making my way in the world and my grandparents all died within a year. It was true when I had my heart broken in a devastating way in my early 20’s. And it was true watching my husband lost to addiction.

    If it weren’t for this recent suffering, I don’t know if I would have been led to the Catholic Church. But suddenly, my experience of God wasn’t enough anymore. The beautiful thing is, once I began investigating Catholicism, I found such a meaningful theology of suffering.

    According to my cradle Catholic friend, “offer it up” is something she heard over and over growing up, to the point that it almost lost its meaning. But for this Protestant girl, the concept was novel and revolutionary: we can give our sufferings to God as an offering. When we suffer, we unite ourselves to Christ in his suffering for us and thereby become more like him.

    ***

    I am writing this today because I’m not in a good place emotionally. I’m fighting a hormonal depression that has caused me to act in ways that I know are not truly me. I’ve done things that I feel incredible guilt over, and yes, shame, mostly in my parenting. The honest truth is that motherhood is a cross for me. I never, ever thought that I would be so bad at it, or want to run from it so much. But God made me a wife and mother, not a nun, and I know that if I allow him, he will bring me closer to his heart through this.

    Even though I don’t feel worthy, even though it doesn’t seem like He should want it, I am offering it up.

  • waiting

    I’m in a period of waiting. Does anyone like waiting? Transitions? I would honestly like to know. I much prefer to have decisions made, plans in effect, routines functioning, etc.

    Primarily, I am waiting to enter the Catholic Church. Did you see that coming? Maybe, if you get my newsletter or follow me on Instagram. But the Catholic Church surprised me. After almost a decade watching one of my best friends live out her authentic relationship with Jesus as a Catholic, I finally started asking more questions about it over a year ago. I realized that I had a multitude of misconceptions about it, and discovered a fullness of faith that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

    I had a really hard year, from mid-2016 to mid-2017, from which I am finally coming out of. My husband had a relapse with substance abuse, which made me in effect a single parent for awhile. Then there was an extended rehab stay and finding a new normal. You can read more about that journey here; it’s sure to come up again so you might want to. But this was probably the hardest year of my life, and I found myself searching for a way to survive it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was digging in deep and trying to fully experience God because I didn’t know how else to get through.

    And so I am becoming Catholic. Only not yet! You might not know this, but entering the Catholic Church is a long, ancient process. In September I will begin RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). It includes about six months of weekly meetings and masses and Bible study and involvement with the local parish, and then on the Easter Vigil of 2018 I will finally be able to receive the sacrament of communion.

    I’ve been attending weekly mass for a few months now, and it is much harder than I expected to cross my arms for a blessing when I could have Jesus’ Presence in my body. (Sorry, some of this is Catholic-speak.) It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal, but somehow it really is. I know this period of waiting will make it all the more meaningful, and I don’t want to wish away time. But it’s hard.

    (I’m have been trying really hard not to make this post too serious! But it’s kind of hard when you are talking about spirituality and addiction.)

     

    I’m also feeling uncertainty because of work. Due to various circumstances, my hours are currently significantly reduced. That’s great for having free time, but not so great on our budget. And I’m discovering that I don’t even know how to use this newfound free time! It comes in random spurts that I can’t predict, so I can’t plan for it or around it. It’s making me feel a bit unmoored.

    This period of slowness at work is temporary (hopefully, probably), but indeterminate. I’m hanging in there, not looking for another job, but making budget cuts and putting myself on a spending freeze. Doing what I can, and trying to accept what I can’t. And in the meantime, I’d like to figure out how to use this period of time.

    I have gone back and forth about whether or not to revive this blog of mine. It was the right thing to do to step away from it, since I was most definitely in survival mode. But now that I have some time, and my husband is doing great, I keep thinking that maybe I have some things to share – so hi! Here I am!

    My plan is to share, at some point, my full story of conversion. I’d also love to talk about some of the specific aspects of the Catholic church that drew me in, and even some of those that are hard for me to accept. I want to share some resources with anyone who is interested, and talk about living liturgically.

    This will also be a journal of my waiting process, and what it’s like for my family (it’s complicated!). And I’m sure you’ll hear about living in recovery from substance abuse, because I have found that so many of those principles are spiritual.

    I’m not going to be promoting my posts on social media, there won’t be any kind of schedule, I may go weeks between posts, and I don’t expect to have many readers. I’m doing this for me, but I truly do hope I find some kindred spirits along the way.