kapachino

Category: personal

  • when your vocation is a cross

    “It’s a good thing you weren’t born Catholic,” my husband said. “You would have become a nun.”

    We were in the car together, without kids, a rare occurrence. It was shortly after his first detox from alcohol relapse back in October (but not the one that would stick). We hadn’t been speaking very much over the past six months, and certainly not about anything deep. Being in the car reduced the awkwardness.

    I thought about what he said. Finally, I replied, “You know, you’re right. I think I’d enjoy being a nun.”

    This was maybe not the best thing to admit to one’s husband, that one would enjoy a lifetime of celibacy foregoing marriage and family. He certainly pretended to be offended. However, at the time the prospect was (and is) appealing. While he was in the trenches of alcoholism, I was in the trenches of single parenthood. I had watched him circle the drain, stuffing my emotions way, deep down. I was enduring a tumultuous relationship with my children, who are intense, and need from me much more than I can give.

    Give me a life of solitude, of sisterhood, of work and prayer. That would be a much lighter cross to bear.

    ***

    There is a reason I wasn’t born Catholic. I really, truly, might have ended up a nun – and then I would have missed out on all this suffering.

    I know that sounds backwards. And honestly, I don’t like how it works. But I have seen consistently in my life that suffering brings me closer to God. It was true in college when I was making my way in the world and my grandparents all died within a year. It was true when I had my heart broken in a devastating way in my early 20’s. And it was true watching my husband lost to addiction.

    If it weren’t for this recent suffering, I don’t know if I would have been led to the Catholic Church. But suddenly, my experience of God wasn’t enough anymore. The beautiful thing is, once I began investigating Catholicism, I found such a meaningful theology of suffering.

    According to my cradle Catholic friend, “offer it up” is something she heard over and over growing up, to the point that it almost lost its meaning. But for this Protestant girl, the concept was novel and revolutionary: we can give our sufferings to God as an offering. When we suffer, we unite ourselves to Christ in his suffering for us and thereby become more like him.

    ***

    I am writing this today because I’m not in a good place emotionally. I’m fighting a hormonal depression that has caused me to act in ways that I know are not truly me. I’ve done things that I feel incredible guilt over, and yes, shame, mostly in my parenting. The honest truth is that motherhood is a cross for me. I never, ever thought that I would be so bad at it, or want to run from it so much. But God made me a wife and mother, not a nun, and I know that if I allow him, he will bring me closer to his heart through this.

    Even though I don’t feel worthy, even though it doesn’t seem like He should want it, I am offering it up.

  • waiting

    I’m in a period of waiting. Does anyone like waiting? Transitions? I would honestly like to know. I much prefer to have decisions made, plans in effect, routines functioning, etc.

    Primarily, I am waiting to enter the Catholic Church. Did you see that coming? Maybe, if you get my newsletter or follow me on Instagram. But the Catholic Church surprised me. After almost a decade watching one of my best friends live out her authentic relationship with Jesus as a Catholic, I finally started asking more questions about it over a year ago. I realized that I had a multitude of misconceptions about it, and discovered a fullness of faith that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

    I had a really hard year, from mid-2016 to mid-2017, from which I am finally coming out of. My husband had a relapse with substance abuse, which made me in effect a single parent for awhile. Then there was an extended rehab stay and finding a new normal. You can read more about that journey here; it’s sure to come up again so you might want to. But this was probably the hardest year of my life, and I found myself searching for a way to survive it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was digging in deep and trying to fully experience God because I didn’t know how else to get through.

    And so I am becoming Catholic. Only not yet! You might not know this, but entering the Catholic Church is a long, ancient process. In September I will begin RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). It includes about six months of weekly meetings and masses and Bible study and involvement with the local parish, and then on the Easter Vigil of 2018 I will finally be able to receive the sacrament of communion.

    I’ve been attending weekly mass for a few months now, and it is much harder than I expected to cross my arms for a blessing when I could have Jesus’ Presence in my body. (Sorry, some of this is Catholic-speak.) It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal, but somehow it really is. I know this period of waiting will make it all the more meaningful, and I don’t want to wish away time. But it’s hard.

    (I’m have been trying really hard not to make this post too serious! But it’s kind of hard when you are talking about spirituality and addiction.)

     

    I’m also feeling uncertainty because of work. Due to various circumstances, my hours are currently significantly reduced. That’s great for having free time, but not so great on our budget. And I’m discovering that I don’t even know how to use this newfound free time! It comes in random spurts that I can’t predict, so I can’t plan for it or around it. It’s making me feel a bit unmoored.

    This period of slowness at work is temporary (hopefully, probably), but indeterminate. I’m hanging in there, not looking for another job, but making budget cuts and putting myself on a spending freeze. Doing what I can, and trying to accept what I can’t. And in the meantime, I’d like to figure out how to use this period of time.

    I have gone back and forth about whether or not to revive this blog of mine. It was the right thing to do to step away from it, since I was most definitely in survival mode. But now that I have some time, and my husband is doing great, I keep thinking that maybe I have some things to share – so hi! Here I am!

    My plan is to share, at some point, my full story of conversion. I’d also love to talk about some of the specific aspects of the Catholic church that drew me in, and even some of those that are hard for me to accept. I want to share some resources with anyone who is interested, and talk about living liturgically.

    This will also be a journal of my waiting process, and what it’s like for my family (it’s complicated!). And I’m sure you’ll hear about living in recovery from substance abuse, because I have found that so many of those principles are spiritual.

    I’m not going to be promoting my posts on social media, there won’t be any kind of schedule, I may go weeks between posts, and I don’t expect to have many readers. I’m doing this for me, but I truly do hope I find some kindred spirits along the way.

  • five ways i’m learning to love summer

    beach trip

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    Hey hey! I’m stopping in today because I wanted to share some things that have been on my mind about summer. It’s in full swing here, despite the near-constant rain that is prohibiting us from frequenting the neighborhood pool so far. But then again, the rain is keeping the temps around 90 instead of 100 degrees so…silver lining?

    I’m not one to pick a favorite season, because I really do like different things about each one. When I was a kid I loved summer. The heat didn’t phase me and of course I loved the break. I went to camp, swam, and hung out with my friends and brothers constantly. But I’ve noticed as I age summer goes down and down on the list of things I look forward to. Partly because of living in Houston where the heat and humidity are oppressive, and partly because I’m a working mom with little kids so while nothing really changes in our lives during summer, it seems like all around me people are off doing these fun things that we can’t do. And that might even get harder as the kids get older.

    So this year, before I let it get to me, I’ve decided to embrace summer and make it special despite the relative same-ness of our schedules. I’m determined to come to love it and make it something to look forward to each year. This is what’s helping me:

    1. Clothes

    This has been one of my main issues with summer. I did a giant closet cleanout leaving things very bare in that department, and specifically I had very few things that are good for hot weather. So lately I’ve been making an effort to find some items that work, and I’ve had some success! I found some cute loose drawstring shorts at Kohl’s and a maxi dress and swimsuit at Costco. I’ve actually been really surprised at the clothes at Costco and I’m probably going to buy myself something there on each trip. Such cute basics at amazing prices.

    2. Become a pool (and beach) mom

    I’m sure I’ve linked to this post before, but it was probably the thing that started changing my whole attitude about summer. The plan is to have our pool bag packed and ready so that we can head to the pool (which is only a block away) at a moment’s notice, even on weeknights. Especially on week nights, since that’s when the kids are the most cranky anyway. We have some neighborhood friends that are up for going a lot with us, too.

    We also live fairly close to the beach (maybe an hour or so away) and since David is big into saltwater fishing, he goes there a lot already. We are probably going to be making a trip at least every couple of weeks all summer long. I’ve always been hesitant to go because of the packing up, and the energy it takes, and the cleanup after. But it is always worth it, so I’m determined to tag along more often and invite friends! (Also hoping to get some color on my bright white skin!)

    3. Grilling

    We have had a grill for about eight years and we only just started using it a couple of weeks ago. Now that is sad. It’s a small charcoal grill, so not quite as simple as gas, but I think it makes things taste better. And after listening to the episode on Sorta Awesome about grilling, I’m even thinking about learning to use it myself.

    4. Summer Bible study

    At our new church (we have a new church! This is also exciting!) they do a women’s Bible study every summer. I thought it would be a good way to make friends, so I signed up even though I don’t know anyone who’s going. I have high hopes for it, and anticipate this being something I attend each summer.

    5. Reading!

    I’m really into reading right now. I mean, I’m pretty much always into reading, but lately it seems to be my only hobby. Since taking a break from blogging I haven’t been doing much else, but it’s been a good opportunity focus on family activities and self-care instead. Reading has filled in for my creative pursuits for the time being as my personal activity of choice. I’m excited that my book club chose two picks from the Modern Mrs. Darcy Summer Reading Guide for the next two months (Still Life by Louise Penny for June, and Before We Visit the Goddess by Chitra Divakaruni for July). I’ve got Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell coming to me for postal book club, I’m starting ANOTHER postal book club with a different group of friends, and I just picked back up on the Game of Thrones series with number four, A Feast For Crows, and I’m already so engrossed in that world again! So I’m pretty happy that this is something I can do at the pool, at the beach, and in any spare moment. :)

    I’d love to hear what you think about summer, especially if you’re a working parent! And if you’ve found anything in particular that makes you love it more, please share. I want to make this a good one!

  • around here

    crazy kids

    Life is chugging along quite as usual around here. It has been nice to take a break from the blog, and I have to say I think I’m less anxious now. But also, I’m feeling less creative. Writing frequently was inspiring, and it simultaneously fueled other forms of creativity like crafting. I haven’t been doing much crafting lately. Instead, I’ve been settling into homekeeping, seeing friends, planning for our future, working on my health, and in my downtime I’ve been reading.

    I’ve been in a pretty good groove lately with keeping the house neat and clean. However, this year I really wanted to do a whole-house decluttering and I’m not sure that’s going to happen. I don’t know if I have that level of energy yet. Feels like I can only focus on one big project at a time, and right now I’ve been working on my health (exercise routine, eating, morning routine). I would really like to have the master bedroom decorated by the end of the year, but we’ve had some financial setbacks that are making me postpone that as well. Namely: my car was hit by an uninsured driver. It’s fixed now, and we’re building up savings again.

    But! I have a really great morning routine going (thanks to the Hello Mornings challenge I joined with some Voxer friends) and when I start the mornings out right I am more likely to exercise and eat better. I also have a health & fitness accountability group on Voxer that is super helpful. So yay for that!

    Our church had its last Sunday service on April 10, and since then we have visited two new places. The first Sunday Liam wouldn’t stop crying in the nursery and I was called out to get him. After that I went home and cried from frustration and overwhelm. The second Sunday I kept him with me in the service and it was distracting but we made it through. I don’t think we will be staying at either of those churches but the second one gave me hope for the future.

    Houston was flooded, did you hear about that? The whole city was shut down for about a week. Certain roads are going to be closed due to flood waters for a month, probably. I didn’t miss any work though! Traffic is terrible now, but I am very grateful for our neighborhood’s excellent drainage.

    The kids are happy and healthy. David has been going fishing a lot. I’ve read some great books. And right now, I’m SO happy it’s Friday.

    p.s. – only a couple more days to try Grove Collaborative and get a free Mrs. Meyer’s cleaning kit when you use this link! You’ll love it, I promise!

  • an update

    I didn’t mean to leave you hanging for so long after my last post! But here I am to offer a bit of an explanation. This might be a bit long, so hang with me.

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    During the week that I posted last, Liam had been sick for two weeks and I was pretty stressed out financially about missing work. Not only that, but David was out of town all week so I was on my own. I was struggling emotionally anyway, and then suddenly I found out that our beloved church is closing. I’m not going to get into that here, but all of those things left me feeling incredibly unsettled.

    My first instinct was to do more. I started making plans to ramp up my blogging and was thinking about starting some sort of creative business. I was hyper focused on that for a couple of days. I was having a hard week, dissatisfied with my life as it was at that point, and I fell prey to envy. I spend a lot of time online and although I can usually avoid the trap of comparison, some ideas seem to have seeped inside me slowly to the point where I thought adding something else onto my life to have success in an area that was all my own was the only thing that would make me feel good about myself again.

    My thoughts were running in this direction when out of the blue they took a drastic turn in the opposite direction and I can only say that it was the Holy Spirit. Suddenly I realized that what I actually needed was to take a break from the Internet. Since having that thought, I’ve taken a big step back and have felt a lot of peace with that decision. What I mean by taking a step back is – while I am still checking email, posting occasionally to Instagram when I have a photo I want to save (for my Chatbooks), and every few days checking my Facebook groups app and notifications – I haven’t been doing anything with my blog, haven’t been scrolling social media, and haven’t been reading any blogs other than a few that I have delivered to my email inbox.

    I still love the Internet and the world of social media and blogging. I love that it can be a career for some people and I still have so many ideas that I may think about pursuing in the future. But right now I need to think small, and to focus on my family and my community. I need to free up the mental space that has previously been devoted to blogging and social media (because I was constantly thinking about it, even when not actively working on it). I need to find a new church, I want to figure out how to exercise again, I want to actually make progress on our home and continue celebrating small holidays with my kids. And I’ve actually found a more reliable way to bring in extra income that is perfect for my introvert soul.

    I envision that I will still write here when I feel like it and I have the time. I will continue posting to Instagram as well (although that has gotten less frequent since my phone’s forward-facing camera smashed). And I do hope to return to a more active Internet presence one day.

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    So since I don’t know when I will post next, here are a few random things to share:

    • I was happy to be a guest on the Sarah R. Bagley podcast recently! We talked about living a creative life as a working mom, and although it was recorded over a month ago, most of it is still very true today.
    • I completed my Lenten spending freeze and I did pretty well, with only a few minor kid-related infractions. I’m not jumping back into spending, but one of the first things I’ll probably buy is a swimsuit for myself. I’m determined to take the kids to the pool a ton this summer, inspired by this blog post.
    • Meredith started gymnastics, and she loves it. I’ve been so apprehensive about extracurriculars for the kids, but this is making me excited.
    • I have so many good books in my queue. I just finished reading a super interesting historical memoir (aka biography) on Galileo called Galileo’s Daughter, and now I’m blowing through a YA novel called I’ll Meet You There recommended to me by my dad of all people. Follow me on Goodreads from now on to keep up with my reading life. I’ll also try to continue posting reviews on Instagram.
    • Last week my car got hit from behind by an uninsured driver and needs a ton of work, so you can imagine the fun I’ve been having dealing with that.
    • Finally, but most importantly, Easter has meant a lot more to me this year going through this church turmoil and changes within myself. It also helped a lot that I was keeping up with the daily devotions of the Lent reading plan that I chose. It almost always takes something hard for me to actually make real, positive changes in my life, and I’m just trying to embrace that.

    Thanks for sticking with me! I hope to keep connected with all of you and I’d love to keep hearing from you. Email, Instagram, Voxer, text – I’m here. :)