kapachino

Category: personal

  • Silence

    I’m just going to come out and say it. For the past few weeks, as far as I can tell, I’ve been dealing with an episode of depression. This isn’t something I have a history with, but all signs point that way and it’s the most likely reason for all of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing.

    Loss of appetite. Tired all the time despite sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Absolutely no energy. Headaches. Stomachaches. Crying spells. Withdrawal from friends, family, and the online community. No interest in the things that I usually enjoy.

    It took me by surprise considering I’m generally such a happy, optimistic person. I can usually take whatever comes at me. It also came on gradually. I suppose it’s not so crazy that I’m feeling this way considering all we’ve been through this past year. I’m guessing everything has just been building up until my mind & body finally caved.

    The fact that I’m writing this, though, is an improvement. I want to be able to say that I’ve turned a corner and I’m on my way out of this despair, but I don’t know if that’s true yet. I’m working on it, at least on all of the things that are in my control, which isn’t much.

    I guess I don’t know what else to say about this. It’s strange.

  • what’s goin’ on

    For about a week now I’ve been meaning to get a post up about the front room of our house that I’ve been working on in my spare time. It’s in the middle of its transformation & I thought it would be fun to show you some pictures and ask for advice. I started working on it today, but I’m having a lot of trouble uploading the photos. Since I have a million other (probably more important) things to do today and not much time to do them, I gave up. I’ll try again when I have time, but for now how about a simple life update? It feels like forever since I’ve spent any time here and I miss it.

    ***

    I’ve been feeling all wrong lately, since about the end of last week. I don’t feel well, can’t ever get enough sleep, I wake up with headaches, and food doesn’t really interest me. Just today I had the brilliant realization that this “off” feeling coincided with the coming of my period. It all makes sense now! So hopefully it won’t be lasting much longer. Along those lines, I get to have another lovely test on Friday to determine if I have the uterine septum I told you about before. I’m not looking forward to it, but I will be glad to know if I have to have surgery or not.

    My husband is recovering, although he is still pretty weak. He’s slowly doing more things for himself, although I can tell that he is going stir crazy being stuck at home for as long as he’s been here. Poor guy.

    I’ve been running on all my days off, going through the C25k program once again. I’m so out of shape it’s not even funny, and this was proven to me when I played a soccer game on Sunday. First of all, I think 11 a.m. games should be banned. Secondly, since I’ve only ever played the summer season with this team I had no idea that summer is for fun and fall is when the serious teams come out. We got drubbed, and I couldn’t believe that at one point in my life I would have been able to keep up. I kept asking our team manager for a sub, and she said, “I know Kat, you always want a sub.” I told her she could either take me out now, or wait for the paramedics to carry me off with a stretcher.

    Work is killing me a little bit. Maybe I’m just saying that because yesterday was craziness, but the thought of going back again tomorrow makes me want to hide under my covers. All my vacation time is spent though, so I need to get back into the swing of it.

    I am the leaderof our church’s youth group along with the help of my husband and a few others. I just kind of fell into this position, and have been really struggling with what to do with the group this fall. Today I found a study that I’m excited about and I’m spending some time putting together what I think will be a fun and interesting lesson.

    In my spare time I’ve been reading a lot, working on the house, trying to catch up on Gossip Girl, and playing nerdy video games like Civilization 4. With the rest of today I need to clean, get ready for youth group tomorrow, go for a run, and shower before David and I head out to our first meeting of Financial Peace University. It’s a lot to cram in, but I’m hoping it’s possible!

    I hope to be back regularly soon, but until then just know that I miss you all. :)

  • Currently In September

    I’m a little late getting this out, but that’s what being in the hospital will do. But we’re home now! Yay!

    Current Book(s): Children of Hurin by J.R.R. Tolkien. I am loving it, and if I’m not careful I will soon be re-reading The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings even though I have way too many other things on my list. I am also listening to The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale on audiobook by my brother-in-law’s recommendation, and it is excellent.

    Current Playlist: Right this very second I am listening to my Over the Rhine station on Pandora and “Little Did I Know” is playing. This station is beautiful, mellow, and melodic. I highly recommend it.

    Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: The amount of chocolate I’ve eaten lately.

    Current Color: I’m working on the front room of our house, and the colors there are white and soft blues and greens.

    Current Drink: I’m happy that I’ve discovered V8 Fusion, especially the strawberry/banana flavor. A full serving of fruits and vegetables in every glass! Perfect to disguise the taste of the gigantic, bitter pills I have to take now!

    Current Food: This past month I’ve sort of gone vegetarian, and while that is a topic for another day, lately I’ve been enjoying lots of soup and pasta until I muster the courage to give more adventurous cooking a shot.

    Current Favorite Show: While I wait for the second half of season one of Glee to come out on DVD, and until Dancing With the Stars makes its premiere, David and I are thoroughly enjoying 30 Rock on Netflix streaming.

    Current Wishlist: I want to walk into a thrift or antique store and find the perfect pieces of furniture for my house at an outrageously affordable price. I want a leather couch for our living room so I can say goodbye to vacuuming ours every other day. Getting the dogs to stay off it is a lost cause. Every time I see an ad for Rosetta Stone I have a huge longing for it to teach me Spanish. I’d love to be pregnant soon. I want to visit some of my best friends in other cities. I wish I could justify upgrading to an iPhone 4.

    Current Needs: I could still really use some new clothes, but that is not in the budget. We need our money to last us another six weeks until David starts earning a paycheck again. I need to get over my fear and reluctance to cook consistently.

    Current Triumphs: I’m quite proud of my attitude toward life lately, and how I’ve been enjoying living in the moment. I’m happy with the amount I’ve been reading, and how I’ve kept up with my Bible reading plan as well after sixty-six days. And I signed up for a 5k, so hopefully I’ll actually start running again.

    Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Having no money to spare is a blessing and a curse. Several times lately I’ve caught myself thinking, “If only we had a little extra…” and then trying to justify a purchase.

    Current Celebrity Crush: Viggo Mortenson in the Lord of the Rings movies. My gosh.

    Current Indulgence: I sure have been enjoying getting 10-12 hours of sleep every day I’m off work.

    Current Blessing(s): My husband, and how he lets me know that I am loved and appreciated. That my dog Cleo has been showing me that she missed me while I was gone by sleeping next to my head every night and following me around from room to room. Our families, their daily visits, and all the snacks and food they bring. :)

    Current Outfit: Oh, just the usual plaid lounge shorts from Gap Body, ribbed tank top, and hoodie.

    Current Excitement: Nothing big is coming up, but I’m looking forward to David healing, getting back into running, and going to see Beth Moore tonight. Our church has been meeting in homes all summer and it’s been too long since I’ve been in a worship service. I need it.

    Current Link: Want to learn to solve a Rubik’s cube? Here’s the website I used. For the last couple steps, use this website. You’ll be a hit at parties.

    Happy September!

  • what i did on saturday

    0400 – My alarm goes off to wake me up for work. Press snooze and roll over.

    0405 – I get a phone call from work saying our census has dropped to 10 patients and would I like to stay home today? I think that I should probably go to work to save up my time for David’s surgery, but I am physically incapable of refusing at that hour. I agree to stay home.

    0408 – I suddenly realize my entire GI tract is churning. I can’t sleep. Spend the next two hours in the bathroom with fluid (and other things) coming out both ends.

    0615 – I finally can lie down in bed again without having to jump right back up. Fall asleep.

    1030 – David comes in to check on me and I realize I should get up. I hug a blanket around me and walk out to the living room. My stomach is still off and my head hurts. I sit on the couch and talk to David while Oliver tries to sit in my lap and eat my hands.

    1100 – I make a bowl of oatmeal because I need to eat to take another dose of metformin (aka the evil cause of my gastrointestinal difficulties). I stare at it for awhile. I get two bites down, and swallow two Excedrin since I can’t tolerate coffee. The metformin is not happening yet.

    1130 – Screw this, I get back in bed.

    1200 – I remember I have prescription anti-nausea meds! Total score. I consider taking Phenergan which might put me to sleep for awhile, a not unappealing prospect, but settle on Zofran since it’s stronger. Get back in bed.

    1240 – I catch up on my Words With Friends games.

    1245 – I do some Bible reading.

    1300 – I get out of bed, eat my cold oatmeal, and return some emails.

    1345 – Begrudgingly take my metformin.

    1350 – Settle in to watch The Young Victoria and cross stitch.

    1540 – Movie ends, and praise God I feel like eating something! Applesauce, tortilla chips, and hummus.

    1550 – Put on Arrested Development season 1, disc 1. Didn’t know Michael Cera was in this. Huh. He bothers me.

    1830 – Visit from my mom. I realize I am still in my pajamas, haven’t showered, and don’t intend to. Oh, well.

    1845 – Disc 1 of Arrested Development ends. I relinquish control of the TV and David puts on the Texans game. I watch it with him even though it’s only the preseason because I am the ultimate in lazy.

    1945 – I can’t put off eating anymore. A bowl of cereal it is, and I go ahead and take my second metformin. Hoping the nausea stays away so I can make it to work tomorrow.

    2115 – Have an intense text conversation with a coworker about one of our patients and our chances of getting called off work again.

    2130 – I’ve had enough of football, so I brush my teeth, get in bed with Cleo, and read some of Gilead.

    2200 – My stomach has been churning for a little while, so I take another Zofran, turn out the lights, and try to sleep. I am successful.

  • Friday Things: Making Me Happy

    My all-time favorite book is The Lord of the Rings, and it’s been a deep sadness of mine that David doesn’t share my love. He’s never shown any interest in reading the book, and according to him he “suffered” through the first movie when it came out in the theater.

    But it’s been a month since he’s had to be home from work, and he recently got it into his head that he’d watch the top 50 movies from imdb.com. Guess what? All three of the LOTR movies are on there. And since I already own them, he started watching them at home all by himself. I was so proud!

    The best part is, he actually likes them now. He uses subtitles so he can keep track of all the names and places and he doesn’t mind them being so long since he’s in the comfort of his own home and can pause anytime he wants to. He even started reading The Hobbit! And yesterday he took a trip to Half Price Books and came back with The Children of Húrin, the only book about Middle Earth that I haven’t read because it was published after Tolkien’s death.

    I know it took a lot for him not to buy anything for himself, but he saw this and had to get it for me. He’s the sweetest. :)

    ***

    I’ve been making more progress on my hopelessly antiquated cross stitch project. It’s not my style at all, but it was free & still so much fun to see it come together. Working on it in front of a movie has become my new favorite way to unwind, and I’ve already found some projects I want to take on after this one is complete. Some of them are: Sherlock Holmes silhouette, birdhouse tree, hidden lily, and so many things from this Etsy shop.

    ***

    It’s true that our pups aren’t always a source of happiness, like when I’m trying to sleep in and they decide to use my bed as a wrestling ring, or when we’re trying to relax and they won’t stop pawing at us, or when we’re watching a movie and someone walks by outside and they flip out like it’s the most! exciting! thing! ever! but gosh, I love them so much that I can’t imagine life without them.

    Every cuddle, every lick, the way Oliver lies upside down all twisted, the way Eddie tilts her head to one side, how when Cleo gets excited her whole body wags, I can’t get enough of any of it. Our house may be covered in a thin layer of fur, and we may not always get the peace and quiet we think we want, but it’s so worth it.

    ***

    All pictures taken on the Hipstamatic app from my iPhone.