kapachino

Category: recovery

  • anticipation

    I keep wanting to write – I have so many things I want to share – but ultimately I run out of time and/or energy. I’m such a morning person, and anything mentally creative including blogging really needs to happen in the morning or else it won’t get done. However, I rarely have dedicated computer time in the morning. I’m not apologizing for not blogging (no one really cares but me, I know), but just venting a little. I do miss it. I am taking the time right now while the kids are playing outside before church to write this.

    David has been gone now for five weeks and four days. He comes home on Friday. In many ways, of course, I am eager for his return. I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job carrying on with normal life here at home: handling the holidays, many family birthdays, getting into a decent routine that is more than just survival mode, building friendships, becoming more involved at our parish, keeping up at work, handling our finances while our income is extremely reduced, etc. But this past week I have hit a wall of exhaustion, and each day I am accomplishing less and less.

    So I’m very ready for him to come home, because I miss him, and the kids miss him, and I’m looking forward to having help, and I’m ready to be a family again, and finances won’t be so tight with him back at work. However, there is definitely an element of anxiety. He is in a safe place right now, and the world offers so many temptations and stressors that I don’t know how he will handle. I do believe in him, and the process, and that God can keep him in recovery, but it is a very difficult disease to conquer.

    There will also be the adjustment of having him back in the house. I have gotten used to just dealing with myself and the kids here. And I am worried about my own mental state – I have been holding it together but I have definitely experienced rebound depression before, and I am concerned that it might happen again. So there is a lot going on internally with me right now.

    In general we have been doing well – we had a couple of ice days where school was closed, and one of them was Liam’s 4th birthday. We ventured out to IHOP and a bounce house, and we managed to make the day special. I spent an entire day one weekend cleaning and refreshing the house. It involved putting away Christmas decorations, putting out a new rug, rearranging furniture, tidying areas that are often overlooked, and regular chores. It felt good. Home is my happy place.

  • have courage, dear heart

    My word for 2018 is Courage.

    Originally, it was going to be Serenity. I was tired of being in survival mode, feeling chaotic, stressed out about my circumstances. I wanted peace. I am deep in the recovery world now, and the Serenity Prayer is one we recite often:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

    Serenity is being in the eye of the storm. Everything may be crazy around you, but you have the ability to remain calm.

    I do want serenity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my personality naturally seeks out peace and calm. That is always going to be something I am searching for. And usually, I get it by unhealthy means: avoiding conflict, stuffing emotions down, and escaping.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can…

    It struck me one day that Courage is the active word in the second line of the prayer.

    Courage: the quality of mind or spirit to face difficulty, danger, or pain without fear. Strength in the face of pain or grief.

    I think that in order to find true serenity I am going to need courage. The things I can change are not other people, or outside circumstances. The things I can change are inside of me: my attitude and my behaviors.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    ***

    P.S. David is back in rehab right now, and he will most likely be there for another month. It has been a roller coaster ride, but right now I am hopeful for our future. I’m working on setting up systems of sustainability and routines in our life to manage the everyday while still taking care of myself. There are so many more things that I want to write about and share here, but as you can imagine it’s hard to find the time and the energy. However, this year I want to prioritize recreation and blogging is something I miss doing for fun, so I hope to find a way to make it happen.

  • ten ways i’m working through depression

    For the past several months, I have been experiencing depression and anxiety like I never have before. I have had short-lived periods of it, mostly situational, but they resolved and in general I have always thought of myself as being free from mental health problems.

    At first I thought that it was normal hormonal stuff, because it was coming cyclically. But it kept getting worse, so I finally went to see my OB/Gyn about it. She tested my hormones, which all came back normal, and didn’t end up prescribing me anything because my description of it didn’t sound like typical PMDD. I have known this doctor for about seven years, we have had fairly frequent contact, and I trust her. She ended up referring me to a psychiatrist because she suspects I have underlying anxiety or depression that needs to be dealt with. She suggested that I normally cope with it very well, but when I experience hormonal withdrawal I lose the mental resources to function as usual.

    I am grateful that I made that psychiatrist appointment back when I was feeling better, because it was hard to find one and there was over a month waiting period to get in. At this point I am open to medication because I know that although I may be strong, I am not stronger than serotonin and dopamine.

    Why am I depressed? I don’t know exactly, but I have an idea. It was this time last year that my husband relapsed into addiction, kicking off an extremely difficult year – traumatic, really. At the time, I was in survival mode and adrenaline took over. My emotions shut down, denial ramped up, and I single-mothered like a boss. When he came home from rehab, I went through a couple of months of severe depression which I understood to be the processing of the entire event. The fog lifted, and I thought I was back to normal. My husband is doing well, so I didn’t expect to through that again.

    However, witnessing the tragedy of Hurricane Harvey so close to home brought up all the feelings of my own personal trauma. Pair that with the season, and it is becoming clear that I have much more to work through than I thought.

    All of that was just an extended introduction, because I am actually writing today to share what I’ve been doing to help myself through this. All of these items are things I’ve done, and while nothing has “fixed” me, I do think I’m in a better place because of them.

    1. See a doctor, consider medication

    In some cases, it is at heart a matter of brain chemistry and nothing else is going to make as much of a difference as this. I suspect that I need this temporarily to return to baseline and reset my body. Just having the appointment set up has given me hope.

    2. Therapy and groups

    I went to individual therapy all spring and summer, and it really helped at the time. Currently I’m not attending for financial reasons, but groups have been influential in my process. Every Saturday I attend a group process meeting for spouses of addicts, and I have decided to also start attending Al-Anon. It is through these groups that I am reminded that I’m not alone and what I’m going through is normal.

    3. Exercise

    One of the first things anyone will tell you to do for depression is exercise. It’s usually the last thing you feel like doing, but it can naturally alter your brain chemistry in a good way more than anything else. I was in a steady exercise routine prior to the hurricane, and although I took a week off because we were stuck inside, I was able to resume a regular schedule of it. I can’t say that I’ve felt wonderful after working out, but at least I can feel proud of myself for doing it.

    4. Reach out to friends

    For me, this is something that has made the most difference. When I feel depressed, I tend to isolate myself. I can go weeks without talking to a friend. Then I start to tell myself that no one cares about me, that I’m not worthy of friendship. It’s a very negative cycle, and it was made worse for me by the hurricane when everyone was so consumed with their own families and helping those who were flooded. Plus, you couldn’t go anywhere.

    However, I had some moments when I got up the courage to text friends about what I was going through, and their responses were hugely uplifting. Also, it can be hard to pray when I’m feeling so down, so prayers of those who love me can carry me spiritually. I do want to note that friends won’t make everything better. They won’t fulfill all your expectations and needs, but they can definitely help.

    5. Spiritual life

    Sometimes when I’m depressed I can’t even pray, but I can still read the words of God. It reminds me of his promises. This is also when I find pre-written prayers to be so helpful, because I don’t need to come up with the words on my own. Attending church even when I don’t feel like it allows me to meet with God. I imagine that taking the Eucharist would be an especially important means of receiving grace during times like these. (And I will be able to in only 202 days, but who is counting?) And finally, uniting my suffering to that of Jesus gives it all meaning. I think that I can endure anything if only it has real meaning.

    6. Read

    I have let almost all of my hobbies drop except for reading. I read spiritual books and self-help books, and I read comfort books like fantasy to help me escape. I find much value in both.

    7. Meditation and visualization

    I randomly came across an app for Alexa called My Morning. It leads you through five minutes of meditation, visualization, gratitude, affirmation, and goal-setting. I have found that it helps center me at the beginning of the day, especially when I wake up with a twisty knot in my stomach. I have also tried other guided meditation apps such as Calm and Headspace, and I’m always glad when I do them.

    8. Go outside

    Nature almost always lifts me out of myself. Now that our rain has passed, we have been having gorgeous days and I am so grateful.

    9. Make a list of goals and do them

    This might be my nature, but I almost always feel better when I’m productive. Even if I have very little energy, if I can just start then momentum usually carries me through. I like to make simple and achievable goals for the day, like hitting a step goal, texting with my husband about something positive, going for a walk, getting one chore done.

    10. Rest, wallow, and cry when needed

    Finally, I have to give myself the grace to do what my body needs. Sometimes I need to lock myself in my room and cry. Sometimes I need to nap. Sometimes I do need to get up and be productive, but sometimes I need to wallow in my misery. It’s okay. I need to feel the things I feel.

  • when your vocation is a cross

    “It’s a good thing you weren’t born Catholic,” my husband said. “You would have become a nun.”

    We were in the car together, without kids, a rare occurrence. It was shortly after his first detox from alcohol relapse back in October (but not the one that would stick). We hadn’t been speaking very much over the past six months, and certainly not about anything deep. Being in the car reduced the awkwardness.

    I thought about what he said. Finally, I replied, “You know, you’re right. I think I’d enjoy being a nun.”

    This was maybe not the best thing to admit to one’s husband, that one would enjoy a lifetime of celibacy foregoing marriage and family. He certainly pretended to be offended. However, at the time the prospect was (and is) appealing. While he was in the trenches of alcoholism, I was in the trenches of single parenthood. I had watched him circle the drain, stuffing my emotions way, deep down. I was enduring a tumultuous relationship with my children, who are intense, and need from me much more than I can give.

    Give me a life of solitude, of sisterhood, of work and prayer. That would be a much lighter cross to bear.

    ***

    There is a reason I wasn’t born Catholic. I really, truly, might have ended up a nun – and then I would have missed out on all this suffering.

    I know that sounds backwards. And honestly, I don’t like how it works. But I have seen consistently in my life that suffering brings me closer to God. It was true in college when I was making my way in the world and my grandparents all died within a year. It was true when I had my heart broken in a devastating way in my early 20’s. And it was true watching my husband lost to addiction.

    If it weren’t for this recent suffering, I don’t know if I would have been led to the Catholic Church. But suddenly, my experience of God wasn’t enough anymore. The beautiful thing is, once I began investigating Catholicism, I found such a meaningful theology of suffering.

    According to my cradle Catholic friend, “offer it up” is something she heard over and over growing up, to the point that it almost lost its meaning. But for this Protestant girl, the concept was novel and revolutionary: we can give our sufferings to God as an offering. When we suffer, we unite ourselves to Christ in his suffering for us and thereby become more like him.

    ***

    I am writing this today because I’m not in a good place emotionally. I’m fighting a hormonal depression that has caused me to act in ways that I know are not truly me. I’ve done things that I feel incredible guilt over, and yes, shame, mostly in my parenting. The honest truth is that motherhood is a cross for me. I never, ever thought that I would be so bad at it, or want to run from it so much. But God made me a wife and mother, not a nun, and I know that if I allow him, he will bring me closer to his heart through this.

    Even though I don’t feel worthy, even though it doesn’t seem like He should want it, I am offering it up.

  • waiting

    I’m in a period of waiting. Does anyone like waiting? Transitions? I would honestly like to know. I much prefer to have decisions made, plans in effect, routines functioning, etc.

    Primarily, I am waiting to enter the Catholic Church. Did you see that coming? Maybe, if you get my newsletter or follow me on Instagram. But the Catholic Church surprised me. After almost a decade watching one of my best friends live out her authentic relationship with Jesus as a Catholic, I finally started asking more questions about it over a year ago. I realized that I had a multitude of misconceptions about it, and discovered a fullness of faith that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

    I had a really hard year, from mid-2016 to mid-2017, from which I am finally coming out of. My husband had a relapse with substance abuse, which made me in effect a single parent for awhile. Then there was an extended rehab stay and finding a new normal. You can read more about that journey here; it’s sure to come up again so you might want to. But this was probably the hardest year of my life, and I found myself searching for a way to survive it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was digging in deep and trying to fully experience God because I didn’t know how else to get through.

    And so I am becoming Catholic. Only not yet! You might not know this, but entering the Catholic Church is a long, ancient process. In September I will begin RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). It includes about six months of weekly meetings and masses and Bible study and involvement with the local parish, and then on the Easter Vigil of 2018 I will finally be able to receive the sacrament of communion.

    I’ve been attending weekly mass for a few months now, and it is much harder than I expected to cross my arms for a blessing when I could have Jesus’ Presence in my body. (Sorry, some of this is Catholic-speak.) It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal, but somehow it really is. I know this period of waiting will make it all the more meaningful, and I don’t want to wish away time. But it’s hard.

    (I’m have been trying really hard not to make this post too serious! But it’s kind of hard when you are talking about spirituality and addiction.)

     

    I’m also feeling uncertainty because of work. Due to various circumstances, my hours are currently significantly reduced. That’s great for having free time, but not so great on our budget. And I’m discovering that I don’t even know how to use this newfound free time! It comes in random spurts that I can’t predict, so I can’t plan for it or around it. It’s making me feel a bit unmoored.

    This period of slowness at work is temporary (hopefully, probably), but indeterminate. I’m hanging in there, not looking for another job, but making budget cuts and putting myself on a spending freeze. Doing what I can, and trying to accept what I can’t. And in the meantime, I’d like to figure out how to use this period of time.

    I have gone back and forth about whether or not to revive this blog of mine. It was the right thing to do to step away from it, since I was most definitely in survival mode. But now that I have some time, and my husband is doing great, I keep thinking that maybe I have some things to share – so hi! Here I am!

    My plan is to share, at some point, my full story of conversion. I’d also love to talk about some of the specific aspects of the Catholic church that drew me in, and even some of those that are hard for me to accept. I want to share some resources with anyone who is interested, and talk about living liturgically.

    This will also be a journal of my waiting process, and what it’s like for my family (it’s complicated!). And I’m sure you’ll hear about living in recovery from substance abuse, because I have found that so many of those principles are spiritual.

    I’m not going to be promoting my posts on social media, there won’t be any kind of schedule, I may go weeks between posts, and I don’t expect to have many readers. I’m doing this for me, but I truly do hope I find some kindred spirits along the way.