January 21, 2018

I keep wanting to write – I have so many things I want to share – but ultimately I run out of time and/or energy. I’m such a morning person, and anything mentally creative including blogging really needs to happen in the morning or else it won’t get done. However, I rarely have dedicated computer time in the morning. I’m not apologizing for not blogging (no one really cares but me, I know), but just venting a little. I do miss it. I am taking the time right now while the kids are playing outside before church to write this.

David has been gone now for five weeks and four days. He comes home on Friday. In many ways, of course, I am eager for his return. I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job carrying on with normal life here at home: handling the holidays, many family birthdays, getting into a decent routine that is more than just survival mode, building friendships, becoming more involved at our parish, keeping up at work, handling our finances while our income is extremely reduced, etc. But this past week I have hit a wall of exhaustion, and each day I am accomplishing less and less.

So I’m very ready for him to come home, because I miss him, and the kids miss him, and I’m looking forward to having help, and I’m ready to be a family again, and finances won’t be so tight with him back at work. However, there is definitely an element of anxiety. He is in a safe place right now, and the world offers so many temptations and stressors that I don’t know how he will handle. I do believe in him, and the process, and that God can keep him in recovery, but it is a very difficult disease to conquer.

There will also be the adjustment of having him back in the house. I have gotten used to just dealing with myself and the kids here. And I am worried about my own mental state – I have been holding it together but I have definitely experienced rebound depression before, and I am concerned that it might happen again. So there is a lot going on internally with me right now.

In general we have been doing well – we had a couple of ice days where school was closed, and one of them was Liam’s 4th birthday. We ventured out to IHOP and a bounce house, and we managed to make the day special. I spent an entire day one weekend cleaning and refreshing the house. It involved putting away Christmas decorations, putting out a new rug, rearranging furniture, tidying areas that are often overlooked, and regular chores. It felt good. Home is my happy place.

Posted in: personal, personal, recovery

Comments on anticipation

  1. 1

    From San:

    I miss your blogging… and I just realized that your latest posts didn’t show up in Feedly and therefore I didn’t even know you had posted anything again. Not sure why Feedly is not catching your Feed (just FYI, maybe others are not getting notifications either!?)

    I can understand that you feel like you don’t have much time for blogging, but if it’s something that you truly want to keep up, hopefully, you can settle into a new routine when David is back and you get some dedicating writing time on your schedule ;) (I’d love that).
    I am glad to hear he’s doing well and has done well in rehab and hope you can transition back to a normal family life upon his return

    Lots of love and positive vibes, Kathleen. <3

  2. 2

    From Kathleen:

    Thank you San! That means a lot to me. I haven’t put much effort into figuring out what’s going on with the technical aspects of my blog (I know there are some wonky things), and I haven’t been announcing new posts. I’m thinking through whether I want to make blogging a regular part of my life again or not! In theory I do, but I always seem to run out of time and/or energy. But your comment has encouraged me!

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