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  • waiting & learning

    I never intended to write publicly about my quest to have a child. I thought it would be easy to get pregnant, but it wasn’t, and it isn’t. When I finally took the scary step to see a doctor, I thought the hard part was over; she’d give me some medication and life would be good. I did get pregnant–without the medication even!–but it ended in loss, putting me back at the beginning. No, before the beginning. I now find myself in an extremely long and complicated process, and I haven’t even started fertility treatment yet.

    Bear with me as I share a little bit about this whole thing.

    After I miscarried, part of me wanted to start trying again right away. It took me weeks to internalize the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. But at the same time, I knew I had to let my body recover. I went through a lot that month, so I tried my best to rest and relax. During that time I went through more psychological states than I have ever experienced in my life. I went from seriously considering seeing a psychiatrist to complete elation and everything in between. For someone who stays relatively calm and even for 90% of my life, this was a difficult turn of events. Stupid hormones.

    Lately I’ve been feeling much more like myself in all areas of life. My moods have regulated, I started working out again (which means I feel strong), I am generally enjoying life, and I’m hoping & planning for the future. I still feel sorry for myself probably too often, certain things are still quite hard for me, and my heart does ache. The farther out I get from my miscarriage, however, the better perspective I have. I never would have been able to see the silver lining before, but now I am realizing how ignorant I was of my own body, health, and pregnancy. Instead of viewing this as something taken away from me, I’m trying to see it as a gift of time.

    Infertility issues don’t get solved overnight, I’ve come to see. I had to wait two months for a new cycle to begin just so I could have some blood tests done, only to find that as of now the lab has no record of them. In the meantime, my husband is dealing with his own health issues that are kind of putting any treatment on hold for awhile. I’m being forced into patience, so I might as well make the best of it.

    I look forward to eventually getting (and staying) pregnant again, but there are some things I would like to do first. For starters, I want to get truly healthy. To that end, I’m having my wisdom teeth removed (something I’ve been putting off for close to ten years), finding and getting a physical from a primary care doctor, and seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist. I’m starting up my exercise routine and working on a better diet.

    I also want to make our house a home. Our house looked great when we bought it, but it wasn’t our style. There is a lot of work to be done to make it into a place where we can walk through every room and sigh with happiness. We need to paint, buy furniture for, and decorate every room except the living room and kitchen.

    Although there are so many other aspects of my life that are a work in progress, those are the two that, in an ideal world, I want to happen before I have a child. Of course, if I got pregnant tomorrow I wouldn’t complain. :)

  • New York, New York

    I don’t know why I thought I would have free internet access in my hotel in New York City this past week, because everything there is a million dollars excluding hot dogs on the street. I originally wanted to update you day by day about this long anticipated vacation, but instead you’re getting this brief recap.

    Day One – Monday

    We were out of the door by 5:30 a.m. that morning, but by the time we were checked in and settled in our hotel it was 3:00 p.m. We stayed in the Marriott Marquis, which is in the center of Times Square: convenient, but a very expensive area. We ventured out into the giant mass of tourists and I took a direct line to H&M, the awesomely trendy yet surprisingly affordable clothing store which doesn’t have a branch in Texas and doesn’t support online shopping. (Do you hear me, H&M people? There is a huge untapped market down here that I strongly suggest you take advantage of.) Anyway, since I literally shop for clothes maybe twice a year, David let me kind of go crazy. It was quite fun.

    Times Square

    Afterward we ate some pizza and decided to take it easy since traveling had kind of worn us out. We spent the rest of the evening in the hotel watching Dancing With the Stars and the NCAA basketball championship. We’re crazy like that.

    Day Two – Tuesday

    Since we had such a limited amount of time in NYC, we decided to do something completely touristy and kind of embarrassing, which was take a bus tour. It wasn’t cheap, but I have to say it was money well spent. Aside from the fact that our guide was a lifelong chain smoker who sounded like she probably has active throat cancer and we had to listen to her for five hours straight, it was an extremely enjoyable experience. There is no way we would have been able to see everything on our own. We saw too many sights to mention while riding the bus, but we stopped at the following places:

    • Ground Zero
    • NY Stock Exchange, Federal Hall, & Wall Street
    • Trinity Church
    • South Street Seaport
    • Rockefeller Center
    • St. Patrick’s Cathedral
    • Madison Square Park
    • Flatiron Building
    • Empire State Building
    • Dakota Apartments & Strawberry Fields
    • Statue of Liberty (from a boat)
    The gates of the Dakota Apartments, and the site of John Lennon's shooting. Yoko Ono still lives here.
    A section of Central Park memorializing John Lennon.
    These creepy statues were all over the place, mostly on top of buildings, as part of an art exhibit.
    The South Street Seaport with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background
    My very first glimpse of the Statue of Liberty!
    On the boat in front of the Statue of Liberty.
    Ground Zero. Just a construction site at the moment.

    That night we had the best seats in the house (a Christmas gift from David & my brothers) to Billy Elliot, which won a Tony for best musical in 2009. I loved every minute of it, except for the old man behind us who found the need to loudly smack his gum. My wonderful husband put an end to that by politely informing an usher that we were being disturbed. After David saw how much I loved the show, he told me that we could see one every night. He may not admit it, but I’m beginning to suspect that he enjoys musicals as well. :)

    Day Three – Wednesday

    This was the only really “free” day we had to do whatever we wanted. We decided to take a Subway down to Greenwich Village, and it was definitely the right choice. I was beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic in Times Square, and up until that point I thought that there was no way I could live in Manhattan. Greenwich Village, however, is adorable. I think I could spend a few weeks there just exploring all the little shops, cafes, and historical spots.

    Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village.
    Site of the famed Stonewall Inn.
    The best pizza ever at John's on Bleecker Street.

    That night we decided to see Promises, Promises, a 1960’s revival based on the movie The Apartment. It was cute and had two big stars in it: Sean Hayes (from “Will & Grace”) and Kristin Chenoweth (who was in the original Broadway cast of Wicked). It was funny, sweet, and even David really liked it!

    Day Four – Thursday

    This was the day that David had classes for work all day, so I just stayed in the hotel and relaxed. I can’t say that I regret it, because I really needed a break. I read a LOT, watched a movie, took a nap, and repeated the process. After David’s classes we went outside to walk around for a bit and got our tickets to the last show we’d be able to see. After much deliberation, we decided to see The Phantom of the Opera even though the tickets weren’t cheap and I had already seen it twice before. David really wanted to see it and I wanted to share the experience with him. It ended up being his favorite so I’m glad we spent the money.

    Day Five – Friday

    David had more classes in the morning while I packed us up. Although our plane didn’t leave until the evening, with travel time and preparations we didn’t have a lot of extra time. I didn’t want to leave New York without at least seeing a little bit of Central Park though, so I dragged David through the southern end.

    Central Park
    Central Park
    Can I have this tree in my yard, please?

    Returning Home

    I have to say that I was pretty depressed on Friday to be leaving, but I always get that way at the end of vacation. There was so much to see and do that we didn’t have time for, although I think we did a lot for the time we had. WHEN I go back I want to see more of Central Park, visit all the amazing museums, and go to the top of Rockefeller Center for starters.

    Over the weekend I was busy cleaning, organizing, running errands, and getting ready for the week. It feels good to be back home with our dogs and our own bed, although I’m not ready to be back at work yet! I’ll just have to look forward to our next vacation. :)

  • Currently in April

    Current Book(s): I am working my way through Emma by Jane Austen. I absolutely love Austen, but she’s not exactly a quick read. I make it harder on myself because the copy I have is in a huge anthology of all her novels, which is obviously not travel-ready. In conclusion, I have been slacking off on reading lately and someone needs to kick me into gear.

    Current Playlist: It’s been awhile since I’ve really listened to music of any kind. How boring is that?

    Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Lately for my chocolate kick I’ve been eating dark chocolate fudge icing straight from the tub, with my fingers. I get it all over my hands and face like a toddler. I really am ashamed.

    Current Color: I decided that I want to start adding light blues to the color scheme in my house, so that’s what I’ve had on my mind.

    Current Drink: During the recovery period of my GI sickness I asked David to bring me home some Powerade Mountain Blast so I could get some electrolytes into my system, and I’ve been stuck on it ever since. Unfortunately this also adds a lot of extra sugar to my body, and I’m not exercising enough to justify it.

    Current Food: I think I could eat an entire roomful of fried rice in one sitting. Can you tell that my nutrition needs an overhaul?

    Current Favorite Show: Dancing With the Stars, obviously. It makes me irrationally happy.

    Current Wishlist: I haven’t shopped for clothes in forever (I rarely do), but as the weather changes it’s time for some new ones, and it’s also time for me to make my style a bit more my own. I’m ready to purge my closet and start fresh. I’m on a quest for dresses & skirts of all types, blouses, leggings, yoga pants, necklaces, earrings, belts, shoes, and basically an entire wardrobe.

    Current Needs: A vacation, and fortunately I’m getting one!

    Current Triumphs: This is silly maybe, but I was really stressed about finding my mentor a gift for retirement, and I did it. She loved it, and it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

    Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Wisdom teeth. Let’s talk constant headaches, swollen gums, aching teeth (all of them), sensitive facial skin, and all kinds of lovely things.

    Current Celebrity Crush: Derek Hough is just so perfect when he dances.

    Current Indulgence: On work days I’ve been letting myself sleep until past 5 a.m. before getting up to shower. This is nice, but it has caused me to miss breakfast several times lately. The two things kind of cancel each other out in my eyes.

    Current Blessing(s): Oliver has been really good lately! And thank God for my parents who are watching him this week, and my in-laws’ who are watching Eddie and Cleo.

    Current Outfit: Did you read what I wrote about my wardrobe? Yeah. All I wear these days is scrubs or jeans & a shirt. I’m not proud.

    Current Excitement: Any minute now I will be in the air on the way to New York City for a week. I’ve never been, we’ve got lots of great stuff planned, and any vacation from work is welcomed with open arms. (Well, except for this kind, or this kind.) A month ago when I thought about this trip it didn’t mean a thing to me; I couldn’t fathom being excited about anything ever again. And now, I’m just…happy.

    Current Link: What I’ve been researching online lately: New York, chiropractors, Standard Process cleanse, and fashion.

    Happy April!

    ***

    Images via: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  • friday things: pictures from the week

    This week I bought a rug. I stressed over it. I deliberated. I took the plunge, and got way excited.

    I still like the rug, but I think it looks awkward in my living room. I am going to try it in the dining room when we finish painting, and if I don’t love it there then I’m returning it. I’m now looking for a light blue, 8-foot, round rug to go in this spot.

    ***

    This week I figured out how to get my hair out of my face for awhile!

    It took a headband and several bobby pins, but it sure was a nice break.

    ***

    This week I celebrated Passover with the youth group at church.

    I thought the horseradish smelled tasty, so I took a big bite. WHOA. There is a reason you are supposed to eat it during Seder, and it is to make you cry. But at least my sinuses were clear.

    ***

    This week I went to the semi-annual antique festival with my parents.

    Although I only ended up buying one thing, I had a fabulous time. My parents bought yard art in their typical fashion, tried to convince me to buy yard art (I resisted), fed me yummy food and ice cream, and were all-around fun and entertaining companions.

    ***

    Tonight my husband is taking me on a rare trip to the movies, this weekend I’m working (on Easter – sad), furiously preparing for vacation, and Monday we’re leaving to New York City!

  • the certainties in life: a tragicomedy in four acts

    Today I feel privileged to bring you a post from one of my all-time favorite writers and bloggers, S. When I decided to invite guest posters, she was at the top of my list. A 26-year-old in the midst of a divorce, she writes about her journey to find a life she’s in love with on her blog. Show her some love and leave a comment! And go visit her, I promise you’ll be hooked.

    ***

    Cast of Characters (in order of appearance):

    IRS: A government force that S tries desperately to reckon with.

    S: A good liberal and newly single (albeit not yet legally) working girl who happens to be quite poor, though these two facts are probably unrelated.

    Sister: Sister of S, an accountant and a conservative.

    STBEH: Soon To Be Ex-Husband of S, a naturally benevolent man who has (understandable) issues with S.

    NYEG: New Year’s Eve Guy, boyfriend of S but who may harbor the slight fear that S is a total basketcase, since he’s only known her since, well, New Year’s Eve, and also since it’s very probable that S is, in fact, a total basketcase.

    Audience: You.

    Company: Not really all that different from the IRS, except not a government operation, which translates to: GREEDIER.

    Facebook: An often ill-advised forum for S’s generation.

    Coworkers: A sympathetic ear for S who will stab her in the back if need be.

    Bosses: Masters of S’s fate, tools of Company.

    ***

    Act 1, Scene 1
    IRS: THAT’LL BE $452.
    S: How can that be? I make so little money as it is.
    IRS: DO NOT QUESTION OUR WAYS OR YOU WILL PAY. MORE.

    Act 1, Scene 2
    S: Sister, how can this be?
    Sister: It’s Obama’s fault. But double check.

    Act 1, Scene 3
    S: IRS, are you sure this is true?
    IRS: WAIT, DID WE SAY $452? WE MEANT $1,333.
    S: (Dies.)

    Act 1, Scene 4
    S: (From heaven.) Sister, how can this be?
    Sister: It’s STBEH’s fault. But double check.

    Act 1, Scene 5
    S: STBEH, are you sure this is true?
    STBEH: Yes.
    S: You screwed me.
    STBEH: You screwed me first.
    S: Fair enough.

    Act 1, Scene 6
    IRS: Betcha wish you’d gotten that divorce taken care of earlier, eh? Whomp-waaaah.

    Act 1, Scene 7:
    S: So, that was my day.
    NYEG: Yeah, you should probably get that divorce taken care of. But everything will be okay because I am wonderful and caring and level-headed and gentle and because I seem to like you for reasons that are completely inexplicable, but are still true.
    S: (Comes back to life.)

    ***

    Act 2, Scene 1
    (The next day.)
    S: Wait, I make more money than my W2 says my reported earnings are.
    Audience: (Uproarious laughter.)

    ***

    Act 3, Scene 1
    (Same day, except it feels much later, as time is now moving at a paradoxically simultaneous warp speed and unbelievable sluggishness.)
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 2
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE AND I DON’T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL SKILLS TO MANAGE THIS BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY PARENTS WHO WERE RAISED BY CHILDREN OF THE DEPRESSION SO I’LL DO WHAT THE REST OF MY GENERATION DOES, WHICH IS WHINE ON FACEBOOK.
    Facebok: Word.

    Act 3, Scene 3
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 4
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE SO I’LL TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND WHINE INAPPROPRIATELY TO COWORKERS BECAUSE I’M INCREASINGLY MORE DESPERATE WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES AND ALSO MY FACE IS STILL SWOLLEN FROM CRYING FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT YESTERDAY.
    Coworkers: This same thing happened to that dude who just quit. So good luck with that. Also, you might want to do something about your face sitch.

    Act 3, Scene 5
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 6
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEEE SO I’LL WHINE TO MY BOSSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING AS A COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR BECAUSE NOW I AM INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW AND AM ALSO ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.  AGAIN.
    Bosses: You need to ask a different person. Also, this was inappropriate.

    Act 3, Scene 7
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: Because your health insurance was deducted from your paycheck on a pre-tax basis, which amounts to $3,000.
    S: Oh.

    ***

    Act 4, Scene 1
    IRS: PAY. NOW.
    Company: You are a moron.
    STBEH: I still hate you but I will take care of this problem because you are so poor and also because I really didn’t mean to screw you over and therefore hope to remind you that I am a naturally benevolent person whom you rejected, which will probably adversely affect your life forever.
    NYEG: I still inexplicably like you. I think.
    S: (Notices ringworm developing on inside of her left forearm.) Life is so fun lately! I am an asshole!

    THE END.