kapachino

Author: Kathleen

  • a musing minister: on friendship

    I’m thrilled to bring you today’s guest post and a new, semi-regular feature around here. Megan is one of my best friends of all time and someone I feel genuinely blessed and privileged to know. Really, you should be jealous. She will be making appearances here every so often to share some thoughts on faith and life. She has an M.Div from Princeton Theological Seminary, currently lives in Nashville, TN, and her words always move me in just the right way. I’m kind of in love with her, and you will be too.

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    My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that one lays down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know the master’s business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that you learned from my Father I have made known to you (John 15:12-15).

    I do not live in America right now, and I have not spent much time there since April of last year.  But I still consider it my home and so I feel an obligation and desire to stay in touch with it in the way I feel an obligation and desire to keep in touch with my family.  My primary means of doing this is by perusing various American newspaper websites and listening to any story concerning America that happens to be piped through the BBC.  One thing is for sure: Americans love to talk about something they call “family values.”  These values range from a concern with a particular definition of marriage to the manner in which children are raised.  It encompasses so many dimensions of American life—from the paying of taxes to the intimacies of one’s bedroom.  While it is exceedingly difficult to find any two people who agree upon a precise definition of “family” or, for that matter, “values,” it is abundantly clear that Americans care about family values.

    As I understand it, families are valuable to society for many reasons—the procreation of children and the propagation of the human species, the basic unit of human categorization (useful for taxing and census purposes), the initial human community wherein traditions and skills are passed down, etc.  But ever more increasingly, I have begun to question if our valuing of families precludes us from our responsibility to another essential dimension of human relationship.  That is, why is friendship so underrated?  Why do we never hear pastors preach on friendship, politicians never run on platforms of friendship-valuing, and media outlets never seek to be “friendship-friendly”?

    I obviously don’t have the answer to this question, but I do have a theory.  That is, I suspect that we disregard friendship because, quite frankly, we have no “use” for it.  We do not organize our society around friendships, we do not tax people according to their friends, and we do not contribute anything to society through our friendships.  Friendship arises mysteriously and surprisingly.  It is a relationship based upon the delight we experience in the presence of another.  It inspires mutual joy, mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual appreciation.   In friendship, we are utterly free to be who we are.  Friendship is the only human relationship that exists for its own sake.

    Perhaps this is why I am so stunned by the words of Jesus from the gospel of John.  Here, in the middle of what is referred to as Jesus’ farewell discourse, Jesus—the one Christians believe to be God incarnate, God as Human, as one of us—calls us friends.  We—Jesus’ students, followers, believers—we are Jesus’ friends.  We are not Jesus’ servants, going about the mess of blindly obeying some aloof master. We are Jesus’ friends.  It is a relationship arising mysteriously and surprisingly.  It is a relationship based on the delight of one another.  It is a relationship of mutual joy, mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual appreciation.  It is a relationship of utter freedom; it is a relationship that exists for its own sake.

    Contrary to popular imagination, we do not exist in some relation to a distant divine presence that makes demands of us and expects us to be of some use.  We are instead—counter-cultural as it is—friends of God, intimately cared for and enjoyed by the creator of the universe.

    Not from the heavy soil

    where blood and sex and oath

    rule in their hallowed might,

    where earth itself,

    guarding the primal consecrated order,

    avenges wantonness and madness—

    not from the heavy soil of earth,

    but from the spirit’s choice and free desire,

    needing no oath or legal bond,

    is friend bestowed on friend.

    –excerpted from Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s poem, “The Friend.”

  • fighting the sadness

    The only good thing about getting so sick for a couple of days is that it completely took my mind off anything else that was wrong. For a little while, I wasn’t sad or emotional – every part of me was focused on feeling better. And now that I do, physically (although I’m still barely eating), I can start to feel my crazy hormones take over again. The sadness creeps in subtly and slowly, and today I began to feel its fuzzy tentacles wrapping around my heart. I decided that I didn’t want to just accept that, so I took action.

    First, I made an appointment for a pedicure this weekend. It helps me to have something to look forward to in the immediate future, no matter how small. Next I got myself out of the house and visited my sister-in-law and my nephew because sitting at home alone just makes things worse, no matter how comfortable my bed is. Finally, I stopped at a place that always makes me happy: Target.

    I had a $100 gift card from my birthday and I figured today was the day to use it. A hundred dollars is very easy to spend at Target, especially when it’s not your own money. But here is what I came away with:

    The placemats and napkins are for making my tiny kitchen table look pretty (here’s hoping I will get back to cooking someday soon), the tea kettle is for making coffee with my french press (whenever I can tolerate coffee again), the basket is to hold throw blankets and to match another one we have, and the sandals are for looking cute (although not in that picture – but hopefully they will with a dress and once I’ve had the aforementioned pedicure).

    So far, so good. I haven’t cried once today, which I’m pretty proud of. And I’m about to eat my first real meal in three days: baked potato soup in a bread bowl from Panera. I have one more day off work to relax, and then we’ll see how I handle Thursday. I know it may take awhile, but I want to be happy again, and I’m willing to fight for it.

  • I’ve Got To Find A Better Way To Use My Vacation Time

    For one reason or another, my body is rebelling against me. It has a grudge, and it is taking its revenge – very effectively.

    Maybe I didn’t give myself sufficient time to recover from the miscarriage; I don’t know. Maybe it had some unknown effect on my immune system. What I do know is that I’m sick.

    Last week was a roller coaster of emotions. At first it felt good to be back at work and distracted, and there were times when I could almost convince myself that I was fine. Only I couldn’t shake the sadness that was underlying it all, and I realized I had become extremely sensitive. The smallest thing could set me off into a crying fit, and this became extremely embarrassing when it happened on Saturday at work in front of everyone. That night I kind of lost it, and I was dreading going back to work the next day.

    Well, as they say, be careful what you wish for.

    On Saturday night around 11 p.m. I woke up suddenly and all I could think was, something doesn’t feel right. It didn’t take me long to realize that my stomach was unsettled. I felt like I might need to throw up, but couldn’t. After a very uncomfortable hour (or two; I didn’t exactly keep track) whatever had upset my GI tract finally started to come out – both ways. Let me just say that I used to wonder how my patients ended up with diarrhea on the walls and in their hair. I don’t anymore.

    I spent the remainder of that night either huddled on the toilet or embracing it, all the while expelling every last ounce of fluid from my body. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t keep anything down. When I started getting muscle cramps and my condition seemed to only be worsening, I got worried. Around 4:30 a.m. I had David drive me to the ER. For the first time, I was the patient.

    I think I was there for about six hours, during which time they did tests, gave me lots of fluid, and some precious IV Zofran. Everything came back normal, and the doctor told me I just caught a bad bug which could take a few days to resolve. Once I felt stable enough, I was discharged with a prescription for oral Zofran and went straight to my bed.

    For the rest of the day Sunday I didn’t move off my back. Even turning to the side made my stomach revolt. I got a few hours of sleep and woke up with a fever of 101.3, but two Tylenol brought it down. David forced me to drink some water and Powerade, but it wasn’t easy. We watched the Oscars from bed, and then went to sleep – me propped up on pillows because I was scared to lie down flat.

    I just want to interject here to tell you how amazing David has been to me. I know he is grieving too, but he has focused all his energy on taking care of me. He stayed with me the entire time in the hospital, getting no sleep himself. When we came home he actually cleaned the house, because he knows how much that means to me. Then that night he went on several different errands for me when I decided I needed something, and all the while taking care of our crazy dogs too. I can’t imagine going through all this without him.

    Today I feel much better, just because I haven’t felt any nausea. I’m on the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) now, although a toasted bagel, banana, and applesauce cup was enough to fill me up for the day. I’ve only gotten out of bed twice, and each time I do I feel a rushing headache. And all those crazy hormones and emotions? They’re still there.

    I’m not very happy with my body right now. I’m not very happy in general, although I suppose that’s normal. I will be again, one day. Hopefully soon.

  • Friday Things

    Today was a hard day for me, emotionally. It started last night out of nowhere, and then when I received a package this morning that I had ordered for future baby, well, you can imagine how that made me feel.

    So in order to avoid being too depressing, here is some randomness from the week.

    My dogs can be really cute and sweet. Even Oliver.

    But then he goes and eats my books. Four so far, to be exact. Taken from the bookshelf.

    Oh, and I chopped off my hair. Why? I don’t know. Something to do.

    Other things I’m thinking about:

    • I think it’s time to start exercising again. There is a super sprint triathlon on May 9 that I think I could be ready for if I start now. It’s only a 200 yard swim, 8 mile bike, and 2 mile run.
    • I would like to finish learning how to solve a Rubik’s cube at some point.
    • This is the month of doctor’s appointments. I am going to more this month than I usually do all year. Also, I am going to demand to have my wisdom teeth removed, so that should be fun.
    • There have been some moments of real joy in my work this week, and then in a matter of minutes it would turn into chaos and stress. Work has been great to distract me and keep me busy, but this week it has been tiring to the point of exhaustion. Still, my better days are the days that I’m at work.
    • I made a Formspring page, and then promptly forgot about it. Sorry if I haven’t answered your question yet, but I will soon!

    Have a great weekend, friends. :)

  • Currently In March

    Even though February is my birthday month, I still love March. Maybe because the number 3 is my favorite number, or because in Houston spring is usually on its way (although that’s not the case right now). Anyway, I’m glad March is here.

    Current Book(s): I’m working on several at the moment. My main fiction book that I’m reading is The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. It’s on the Rory Gilmore reading list, and I’ve heard good things about it. I’m only a few chapters in, and though at times it is a little over-descriptive for my taste, I have a feeling I’m really going to like these characters.

    In addition, I started reading Fearless by Max Lucado for a blogging book review, and also because I think I need it. I have all this anxiety right now that I’m not used to living with. Yesterday Oliver chewed the edges of the book, and although I do still plan to read it, I won’t be doing it in public.

    Finally, I’m listening to Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I picked it up at the library after I finished my last audiobook. It’s a Pulitzer Prize winner, and although not based on a subject I would normally be drawn to, I am keeping an open mind. Plus, the narrator on the audiobook is excellent, which is very important.

    Current Playlist: Let’s see. Other than the songs I chose to sing at church on Sunday, the only music I’ve listened to lately is Derek Webb’s “Stockholm Syndrome” and Sandra McCracken’s “In Feast Or Fallow” – both of which I got for free on NoiseTrade.com.

    Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Last week I lost my appetite for pretty much everything, but that did not, unfortunately, include chocolate. I have eaten a LOT of it, in all forms. Although now that I think about it, I don’t really feel guilty. I think I deserve it.

    Current Drink: It’s been nothing but water for me until today. I had coffee again, and it was bittersweet.

    Current Food: Food is just a necessity. Nothing ever really sounds good to me, although I seem to eat whatever is put in front of me.

    Current Favorite Show: When I was home all week I found HGTV extremely comforting. My favorite shows are “Property Virgins” because I love the host Sandra Rinomato, and “Get It Sold” because the tips on staging are things I can actually do in my own home with limited funds.

     

    Current Wishlist: I wish for a healthy pregnancy to happen soon. I wish for Oliver to stop chewing up our books. I wish for Over the Rhine’s “Live From Nowhere Vol. 4”. I wish that I had the energy to do the triathlon. I wish for someone to come over and paint my entire house. I wish for a cute custom return address stamp.

    Current Needs: Peace, love, hope, joy.

    Current Triumphs: I went to work, and it hasn’t been terrible.

    Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Feeling betrayed by my body. :(

    Current Celebrity Crush: Nonexistent.

    Current Indulgence: Letting everyone else take care of me. The aforementioned chocolate.

    Current Blessing(s): Ode to my husband who took an entire week off work to be with me, who bought me flowers, who offered to drive me to work, who wrestled his recliner into our bedroom so that he could spend every moment with me and I wouldn’t have to fall asleep alone, who is grieving, too. I love him.

    Current Outfit: I have been living in sweats recently, and David calls them my “depressed clothes.” They make him sad. Today I’m back in scrubs.

    Current Excitement: Hard question. I am looking forward to splurging on a pedicure with my sister-in-law. There is the trip to New York City at the beginning of April to plan. And soon after that one of my best friends moves home from Scotland, if only for a little while.

    Current Link: So boring, but basically all I’ve been doing online is checking e-mail. So here’s my Google profile. I’m on G-chat if you want to entertain me sometime.

    Happy March!

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