kapachino

Category: faith

  • waiting

    I’m in a period of waiting. Does anyone like waiting? Transitions? I would honestly like to know. I much prefer to have decisions made, plans in effect, routines functioning, etc.

    Primarily, I am waiting to enter the Catholic Church. Did you see that coming? Maybe, if you get my newsletter or follow me on Instagram. But the Catholic Church surprised me. After almost a decade watching one of my best friends live out her authentic relationship with Jesus as a Catholic, I finally started asking more questions about it over a year ago. I realized that I had a multitude of misconceptions about it, and discovered a fullness of faith that I hadn’t dreamed possible.

    I had a really hard year, from mid-2016 to mid-2017, from which I am finally coming out of. My husband had a relapse with substance abuse, which made me in effect a single parent for awhile. Then there was an extended rehab stay and finding a new normal. You can read more about that journey here; it’s sure to come up again so you might want to. But this was probably the hardest year of my life, and I found myself searching for a way to survive it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was digging in deep and trying to fully experience God because I didn’t know how else to get through.

    And so I am becoming Catholic. Only not yet! You might not know this, but entering the Catholic Church is a long, ancient process. In September I will begin RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). It includes about six months of weekly meetings and masses and Bible study and involvement with the local parish, and then on the Easter Vigil of 2018 I will finally be able to receive the sacrament of communion.

    I’ve been attending weekly mass for a few months now, and it is much harder than I expected to cross my arms for a blessing when I could have Jesus’ Presence in my body. (Sorry, some of this is Catholic-speak.) It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal, but somehow it really is. I know this period of waiting will make it all the more meaningful, and I don’t want to wish away time. But it’s hard.

    (I’m have been trying really hard not to make this post too serious! But it’s kind of hard when you are talking about spirituality and addiction.)

     

    I’m also feeling uncertainty because of work. Due to various circumstances, my hours are currently significantly reduced. That’s great for having free time, but not so great on our budget. And I’m discovering that I don’t even know how to use this newfound free time! It comes in random spurts that I can’t predict, so I can’t plan for it or around it. It’s making me feel a bit unmoored.

    This period of slowness at work is temporary (hopefully, probably), but indeterminate. I’m hanging in there, not looking for another job, but making budget cuts and putting myself on a spending freeze. Doing what I can, and trying to accept what I can’t. And in the meantime, I’d like to figure out how to use this period of time.

    I have gone back and forth about whether or not to revive this blog of mine. It was the right thing to do to step away from it, since I was most definitely in survival mode. But now that I have some time, and my husband is doing great, I keep thinking that maybe I have some things to share – so hi! Here I am!

    My plan is to share, at some point, my full story of conversion. I’d also love to talk about some of the specific aspects of the Catholic church that drew me in, and even some of those that are hard for me to accept. I want to share some resources with anyone who is interested, and talk about living liturgically.

    This will also be a journal of my waiting process, and what it’s like for my family (it’s complicated!). And I’m sure you’ll hear about living in recovery from substance abuse, because I have found that so many of those principles are spiritual.

    I’m not going to be promoting my posts on social media, there won’t be any kind of schedule, I may go weeks between posts, and I don’t expect to have many readers. I’m doing this for me, but I truly do hope I find some kindred spirits along the way.

  • lent

    ash wednesday

    I don’t come from a liturgical church background, but this year I am observing Lent along with other church holy days. As I get older and discover more about myself and my personality (ISFJ) I have realized that traditions, holidays, liturgy, and observances really inspire me. I’m leaning in to that and hoping to bring it into my home as well.

    I thought and thought about how I should personally observe Lent. Some things I considered giving up were sweets, social media of some form, caffeine (that was just a passing thought), and TV. I also thought about adding in some things: exercise, family time/activities, Bible study.

    This is what I settled on: I am going to do daily Bible readings from the Book of Common Prayer, and I am going on a personal spending freeze.

    The thing I wanted to change most was to have daily Bible study time. I am currently doing one with my church, but it is too in-depth for me to find time for it every single day like I want to. But just because our sleeping situation is less than ideal and I’m not able to wake up before my kids, that doesn’t mean I can’t find time to read a short Scripture passage and say a prayer. Instead of choosing a daily devotional, I’ve chosen to follow the Book of Common Prayer because I want to feel connected to the Church.

    I also wanted to make some sort of sacrifice and give something up. I decided to give up all personal money spending for a few reasons. For one thing, I’ve just spent too much lately. It hasn’t been frivolous; I have been buying some high quality clothing items that will be a great help to me, for example. But as I’ve been spending, it becomes easier and easier to spend, and I noticed my attitude trending toward the needing of certain things to feel adequate. So I’m cutting myself off!

    A few exceptions: I’m allowed to use gift cards, or replace any empty toiletries or essential makeup items. But that’s it. I’m not going to be buying extra things for the kids either, but this is not a family spending freeze.

    I’d love to hear about your relationship with Lent, if you observe it and how, if you’d like to share!

  • art journal / 2 (and possibly the last)

    I did this simple art journal page awhile ago when I was doing my Bible study on James. At the time I intended to make a page whenever something struck a chord with me in my study. Well, I couldn’t keep up. God was really speaking to me, but I began to feel like I was “behind” on this for-fun project. So I stopped.

    art journal

    I still love the idea of an art journal and I love looking at them, but I find when it comes time to make my own I am overwhelmed by the blank page and I would keep putting it off and focusing on other things. The little pockets of Project Life work much better for me. :)

    art journal

    So for the moment, I’m shelving my art journal. It’s still there within reach, but I’m focusing on other projects right now – including survival of Meredith’s threenage years. ;)

  • excerpts from my journal

    excerpts from my journal

    excerpts from my journal

    excerpts from my journal

    Inspired by this, I’m going to share periodically some of the personal journaling I do.

    Tuesday morning. 5:30 a.m.

    Liam is sleeping in my lap in a dense bundle of warmth and cuteness. I am watching Meredith sleep on the monitor, all curled up. And I can hear David softly snoring.

    I just drank a cup of coffee and wrapped up the last lesson in the Bible study on James. What an amazing book.

    I am so grateful for my life. For these children I’ve been entrusted. For the husband who is my partner and my love. For our home. It is all a happiness.

    But for all of these good gifts from God, I know there is more. There is a greater gift, a greater blessing, a greater understanding and fellowship with God. It will come through sacrificial giving, and serving, and yes, suffering. I want to know God and experience him in that way. I want to truly live out my faith.

    Now Liam is squirming, and grabbing my hair, and wanting to nurse. He has morning crust on his eyes that I wipe away. Soon Meredith will wake up and cry, “Mommy I wanna hold you.”

    And God, I want to hold you.

    ***

    It’s Saturday. 6 a.m. The kids are both awake.

    Liam didn’t sleep well so we were up a lot in the night. Meredith peed all over our bed for the first time in awhile. She is now sitting in my lap “writing” in her own “journal” while Liam kicks and squirms around on the floor, probably wanting to be picked up.

    I am sucking down coffee and snacking on chocolate-covered espresso beans that Mom gave me last night.

    Today is starting early, and I am already tired. It’s one of those weekends where I have a lot on my personal to-do list, so I could easily be disappointed in the amount I actually get accomplished. Time to practice the art of prioritizing and slowing down.

    “All done,” Meredith says. Next on her to-do list is watching Frozen again. She points to Liam and says, “He’s a baby.” Yes, he is. But not for long.

    ***

    A Thursday. 5:45 a.m.

    I’m sitting in the craft room. It’s not a very pretty room but it’s oh so comfortable. Outside the sprinklers just turned on and the noise they made as they sputtered to life sounded like a dog sniffing and for a moment I looked around for Eddie or Cleo. No one there.

    Everyone is asleep but me for the moment. The quilt I started two years ago is on my lap, only missing the binding. It makes me happy. Soon I will start working on one for Meredith, for her big girl bed. It’s time.

    In a couple of days this oh so comfortable craft room will be cleared out, painted white, and kid furniture moved in. I’ve been putting it off – I hate painting, I hate moving things around, I hate living in limbo with stuff spread all over until I have time to organize and set up. But I know it’s time to move away from the family bed, and having a room and beds of their own is the first step.

    Of course I’m sad. Bedtime can be hard, but I do so love to feel their little bodies pushed up against me. Meredith, not always much for cuddling during the day, loves it at night. When she stirs, her first instinct is to reach out her arm for something to hug close.

    Liam just woke up and now he is in my lap, nursing. My big, happy baby. Maybe I can leave him in bed with me a little while longer.

  • life interrupted

    life interrupted

    life interrupted

    life interrupted

    Over the weekend we decided to tackle the project of switching the nursery, which the kids had been sharing but is very small with only room for a crib, with the craft room, which is the largest bedroom other than the master. I don’t need all that space for crafts, but the kids could use a bigger playroom and this way Meredith can have a “big girl bed” that hopefully she’ll be sleeping in soon (fingers crossed).

    I have known that something like this was going to have to happen at some point. Whenever I got frustrated with the family bed situation I would think about all that needed to happen to get the kids into their own beds and I’d feel so overwhelmed that I’d just go into denial. But I have two long weekends in a row and things are slow at work, so there really was no better time.

    I’d been dreading the project because for one, I hate moving things – I love to feel settled and at home, with everything in its place. I’m not someone who rearranges furniture for fun. I knew this wasn’t going to be a day-long project either; it’s going to take a couple of weeks to really be finished, most likely. I dislike the thought of my stuff being spread around the house for that long.

    And two, I hate painting – I knew I’d want to go ahead and repaint the kids’ new room because I never liked the wall color with the new carpet we had put in and this was the best time to just go ahead and knock that out. Even the ceiling needed to be painted, ugh.

    On Saturday we spent all day painting. With the help of two generous friends and my mom to watch the kids, it still took way longer than I expected. By the end, we had finished, but there was time for very little else that day.

    On Sunday  morning I managed to wake up early and do my Bible study before the kids awoke. That day I read the story of Moses and the burning bush. Do you know it? Moses has been a shepherd in the desert for 40 years when one day he notices a bush on fire that is not being burned up. So he decides to investigate the strange phenomenon. Then this verse happens:

    When the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said, ‘Moses, Moses!’ And he said, ‘Here I am.’ –Exodus 3:4 (emphasis mine)

    I was completely struck by the fact that God didn’t reveal himself until Moses turned aside from his ordinary routine. The burning bush was an interruption, and Moses paid attention.

    Obviously this little changing of rooms ordeal is minor in comparison to many other possible life interruptions, but after reading this I still decided to see what I could learn from it – what God was maybe trying to reveal to me about himself through it. I was surprised at how much I came up with:

    • My friends Lauren and Gerardo, along with my mom, gave selflessly of their time and effort all day to help us, and that showed me an awesome example of servanthood and Christian love.
    • We moved out all the stuff from this room and painted it white. It’s a clean slate, just like God gives us despite our sin.
    • For the moment, all of my craft stuff, and a lot of junk I was holding onto, is scattered throughout the house and exposed. I will be forced to confront it and my intention is to get rid of whatever isn’t necessary. This exercise would be good for my soul as well.
    • All of this stuff being out of place and unsettled provides me with a good reminder that this house – this world – is not my final home, and my life is not my stuff. I am traveling through.
    • I couldn’t do this project on my own, so it makes me appreciate the people in my life and emphasizes that relationships are ultimately most important.

    After that exercise I felt a lot better about the whole process. I really want to remember this for next time my normal life gets interrupted.

    How about you? How do you react when ordinary life gets interrupted? In what kinds of situations do you think God tends to reveal himself to you?