kapachino

Category: faith

  • Grateful

    It’s Friday, hallelujah, and I want to take a moment to say how grateful to God I am for the way this week has gone. The biggest thing is that my husband David maybe, possibly, hopefully, is on the right track to maybe, possibly, hopefully getting his pain under control. The haziness of that statement is reflective of how I usually feel regarding this whole ordeal, but my goodness, things are looking up!

    Yesterday morning when I got to work I was feeling very emotional/irritated/sad for what seemed to me like no reason at all. But I think the reason was that I had to give first-time chemo to a very anxious 22-year-old boy who looks alarmingly like my little brother. It was a very intense chemo, one where the nurse has to stay with the patient for at least two hours monitoring vital signs every 15 minutes. Almost every patient that gets this medication for the first time has some kind of reaction. Add to this the fact that I had never actually GIVEN this particular chemo before, and I was just plain intimidated. I had visions of horrible things happening with me not knowing how to handle them.

    But, thank God, one of my coworkers guided me through the process, and the patient slept through the entire thing without a hint of a reaction. Today I am giving him more chemo, and although it isn’t as intense, it is again going smoothly. This makes me a relieved and grateful girl.

    Today I am also thankful for the fact that I have no plans tonight besides relaxing at home. Also, the prospect of a weekend off with lots of fun plans including a movie with a friend, leading worship for the first time in ages at church, and my sister-in-law’s baby shower. These are the things that are making me smile today.

    Also, that it’s NOT my brother who has cancer, or my husband, or anyone else in my family. But even if it was, God is still good. He’s still taking care of us, his children, which is good news because we really don’t know how to take care of ourselves.

  • silencing the enemy

    Psalm 8:2 – “…You have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger…”

    ***

    For my mother’s birthday, which was yesterday, my brother and I gave her a gift that she’s been asking for since last year. We recorded a simple 6-song CD of worship songs for her. I sang, and my brother played guitar and sang a little. It was done in the course of an afternoon and evening in a makeshift studio in his roommate’s closet. When I listen to it now, I can think of a million things that we could do to make it sound better. But when I gave it to her yesterday and we started listening, her eyes filled with tears and she said that we couldn’t have done anything better for her. Even now that I’m grown, it’s still so nice to see evidence of my mother’s love and pride in me. I’m happy with the gift because she was.

    ***

    Last night was the second week in Beth Moore’s newest Bible study. I felt blessed to attend with all the beautiful women in my family, minus my sister-in-law Kim, who was missed. What a wonderful experience to join hands with thousands of women as we prayed a powerful prayer for our new president. May our president know the fear of the Lord, and when he comes to a time of crisis and the whole nation is looking to him, may it be as the prophet Isaiah said: “Your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” (ch. 30 v. 21)

    ***

    At home before I went to sleep, as my husband tucked me in, our girls Eddie and Cleo hopped up to join the fun. With the love of my life on one side of me, and our smiling puppies licking our faces, I couldn’t have been happier.

    ***

    Praise God for the beautiful moments of life. Praise Him that as long as we praise, no matter how timidly, our enemy cannot open his mouth!

  • Catching Up

    Hey friends! I’ve been AWOL for awhile again, so since I have the day off I figured it was a good time to let you know what’s been going on.

    David and I are still looking for a house to buy. I really want one in an established neighborhood with trees and an either side-entry or detached garage. And we’re looking in a certain area of town, in a certain price range, so it is proving to be a little difficult. We’re trying to be patient though, because we want to buy one we really love!

    In the meantime, we have moved in with a friend of the family who goes to our church. Her children are just a little bit younger than us, and are both moved out. She has graciously offered us her large upstairs bedroom with its HUGE closet! We have a lot of space and privacy here, and it’s a great location. We have been so blessed by this, and it is allowing us to save up a lot of money to put towards the house and moving costs.

    Work has been kind of rough this week. After a relaxing weekend off, I came back Monday and had the absolute worst day of my short career. I had very needy patients, tons of medications to give, two discharges, an admission, not to mention all the regular charting and routine care. All of that was bad enough, but because I was worn so thin and ragged, I ended up making a couple of mistakes. The first one wasn’t too big of a deal, but I still had to write myself up. The second one happened right at the end of my shift, caused me to stay late, and someone else caught it and wrote me up, all the while speaking to me in a very patronizing manner. I felt completely incompetent. I had to work so hard not to cry until I got home. It’s hard to recover from a day like that, but I’m doing my best.

    I finished reading the whole Twilight saga, and then I read Midnight Sun, the unfinished online novel which is Twilight from Edward’s perspective. I wanted to immediately start re-reading Twilight, but I let a friend borrow it. What to do until the movie comes out next week? Watch trailers, read articles, and listen to the soundtrack, I suppose.

    I recently read an interview with Anne Rice, the writer of (among other things) Interview With a Vampire. She now writes about her newfound Christian faith, but she doesn’t repudiate any of her previous works. When she was asked about this she replied, “The supernatural world has always been more real to me than the real world. I feel a great surge of energy when I acknowledge that there is a world beyond this one…. My old novels and characters were sincerely created and deeply felt, and also I think these novels and characters are complex and these novels mirror a pathway to Christ. I think they retain tremendous value for readers, especially young readers who may not be willing to pick up a book about Christianity. There is a moral compass in these novels, and the grief for a lost faith, and the search for redemption — these are the main themes. I remain a believer in them, though they are partial and flawed.”

    I really like the way she put that. Sometimes I feel that I need to defend my love for fantasy and the supernatural, as if I’m not satisfied with reality and my own life. I love my life, though. I just feel a deep yearning for more, which I believe I was created for.

  • Death and Life

    David’s aunt Sue died on Friday night after almost three years of battling pancreatic cancer. It’s a very close family so if you have a moment, please say a prayer for them: her husband Ralph most of all, her two sons Brian and Michael, David’s father Bill, her brother, and the rest of the family. I will be singing at her funeral on Wednesday morning. I’m honored to do it, and also quite nervous. I can get emotional.

    I was telling this news to one of the “seasoned” nurses on my unit today who has worked oncology for 21 years, and has had a lot of experience with grieving families. She asked, “Was she a Christian?” I replied that she was, and then her face lit up. She said, “I always use this analogy: When a baby is born the process is very ugly, painful, messy, and hard. But the end result is something beautiful and alive. For a Christian, death is the same way. The process of dying to this world is sometimes painful and ugly, but on the other side is peace and joy. And those that are left here can take comfort in knowing that they helped her make it there.”

    When I heard that Sue had died, what I felt was sadness for her family. The more I think about it, the more I hate death. But God hates death too. In the story of Lazarus being raised to life, Jesus arrives to the home to find the dead man’s family grieving. They say to him, “Why didn’t you come sooner? If you would have been here he wouldn’t have died!” They are mad, frustrated, saddened, and confused. This is followed by the famous verse, “Jesus wept.”

    Many times people interpret this verse to show how Jesus empathizes with us and knows what it’s like to feel all of the emotions that we feel. I believe that is true, but I see this verse differently. I believe that Jesus wept because there he was, physically in their midst, the resurrection and the life, and yet they are grieving! He is saddened at their lack of trust in him, because he is ALL ABOUT LIFE!

    I don’t mean to say that grieving is bad. I think it is good and necessary. But hope. Hope and trust in God. And praise Him that we don’t have to live forever in these imperfect bodies, in this sinful world. Praise Him for his power and goodness and His perfect plan working out perfectly for those who love Him. Praise Him for newness, praise Him for redemption. Praise him for joy ever-increasing forever. Praise Him for life!

  • “If The Going Gets Easy, You May Be Going Downhill”

    This is the sign this week on the billboard of the church that I live near. Yes, it’s very cheesy but it actually encouraged me today. Because, my friends, the going is not easy for me at this moment. I am enormously stressed with many things.

    First of all, money. I am broke, not to mention in debt. David has already proven his love for me many times over, but in the last month he has compounded that by giving generously to me in my time of need. We say that it’s “our money” now, because we’re trying to change our way of thinking before we get married, but until we share the same checking account it’s going to take some swallowing of my pride to accept so much.

    So I have cut my spending down to almost nothing lately. I take the bus to the medical center and catch rides whenever possible. I don’t eat out. Heck, I don’t even buy groceries. I’m going to eat our cupboards bare. (Although yesterday I splurged and bought cereal, because I just couldn’t live without it anymore.) Also, I am working as much as I possibly can. This is tough because…

    …I am also enormously stressed about school. We have about three weeks left, and they are not taking it easy on us. Not that I’d expect them to, but I really wish I could just focus all my attention on my board exam. However, I have a paper, a project, an exit exam, and finals to conquer. And lately I have not been doing as well as I need to be on my practice exams. It’s very hard to find time to do all this when I need to be working in all my spare time.

    I am worn down. Weary of worrying about where I’ll find the money to pay my bills, of skimping in every area possible to save money, of always having work to do for school, of not having a day to just relax without feeling guilty.

    I know this is the time when I need to give everything to God. And I do, every day. Some days I start out great and then end up stressed again by the end of the day. Some days (like today) start out horribly but somehow end up OK.

    But I’m going uphill, headed for something good. Thanks for sticking with me.