kapachino

Category: me

  • One Word: Suffering

    Starting today, for the month of December, I’ll be participating in Reverb10, which is, according to their website, an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. One reason I’m doing this is because I’ve neglected to write lately, partially due to the fact that I’ve been studying for a huge test for the past month, and I think this’ll be a perfect kick start.

    But let’s be honest, it’s also because 2010 has been a hell of a year. I need to process it somehow.

    Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.

    Suffering. I wish it weren’t the case, but this has been a year characterized by grief, pain, and distress. We have both suffered physically – me with a miscarriage and David with debilitating bone pain that ended in two major surgeries, which in turn caused financial suffering. And we have suffered emotionally and psychologically – we endured our second year of infertility and faced role changes in our marriage, and we have both dealt with significant anxiety and depression. Me more than at any other time in my life.

    I know my dad hates it when I write negative things (sorry Dad), and I know it’s because he loves me and wants me to be happy. But I’m just writing this because it’s true. Everyone goes through seasons of suffering in their lives, and we just happened to have a lot of it this year. Thankfully, I can write this with hope because it seems like things are finally falling into place for us.

    Now, imagine it’s one year from today. What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

    Happiness. I don’t care if it’s trite; I’m ready for some pure joy. I’ve had The Happiness Project sitting on my shelf for months, and I plan to read through it next year month by month. I’m just settling into a job that I love and hardly ever stresses me out. I have a good feeling that next year will be the year that we start our own family. I’m ready to be connected to God again, and to relearn that all our suffering was for a reason.

    So, Dad, I hope this post doesn’t upset you. Because I’m already happy again, and this is just the beginning.

  • Three Things You Never Knew You Didn’t Need To Know About Me

    First.

    I have this thing with symmetry. It’s kind of like an OCD tendency. It expresses itself in many different ways, like if I’m walking and my right foot scuffs the ground I don’t feel right until my left foot scuffs the ground too. I have these urges all the time, but for the most part I can resist them. The one area I never resist, though, is with eating. I must have the same amount of food, texture, and taste on both sides of my mouth. I’m very adept at it by now, so that it is almost an unconscious act.

    Second.

    I was in a play in college. It was called The Dining Room and it was a portrait of WASPs. There were essentially many different scenes in it, without recurring characters, but every one was centered around a dining room table. I played a flirty middle-aged woman, a high schooler skipping school to drink with her friend, and a maid. I wanted to keep acting and try out for the musical, but playing soccer prevented me. I’m in love with theatre and now live vicariously through my brother, who works in the industry.

    Third.

    If you were to ask me what my favorite physical feature on myself is, I’d probably say my eyebrows. My mom told me a long time ago that I have nice eyebrows, and I’ve been proud of them ever since. I’ve never once gotten them waxed, but I pluck them diligently – almost every day. Recently, however, my tweezers broke and I decided to ask for new ones for Christmas instead of buying them myself because I am cheap. In the meantime, I’m using some extra forceps from work. They are huge and awkward and don’t grab very well. But they’ll hold me over.

  • Why I’ll Never Be Super Nurse

    I work with a lady who I like to call Super Nurse. In addition to her full-time job in patient care on our unit, she is also in school to advance her degree. She is the chair of about a thousand committees. She is constantly conducting employee inservices and creating educational posters for the rest of us. She does research projects to figure out the best patient care. She plans all our parties. For a long time, I thought I wanted to be just like her.

    But then this year happened. We had a miscarriage, David dealt with debilitating pain and got both of his hips replaced, I developed food intolerances, and sunk into depression. My job, in which I formerly thrived, became a huge source of stress to me. I was the chair of a single committee, and even that was too much. Eventually, as you know, I went so far as to take a new job – one that I hope will be calmer.

    I’ve been feeling guilty about the decision. I’m not even thirty years old yet! I should have tons of energy! And yet here I am, wiped out at the end of every day, needing a regular schedule and less stress in my days. How am I ever going to be like Super Nurse?

    But then I realized that I have no idea what her life is like outside of work. Her job could be everything, her whole identity.

    I love being a nurse. I think it’s the perfect vocation for me, and it’s a fantastic profession. But it’s only part of me. I have way too many other interests and priorities to let it consume me.

    I want to be home every evening and weekend when David is there. I want to be more involved in my church. I want to read more, to see more shows, listen to more live music, run more races, take my dogs to the park more, make my house look pretty, learn to cook, and I even want to watch more TV. I want to have children, for goodness sake.

    I’ll probably never be like Super Nurse, but I’m okay with that. I’ll still be a darn good one.

  • Friday Things: Making Me Happy

    In order to lighten the mood around here, and to make it seem a little less like a self-help website, here are some things that have been inspiring me, exciting me, and making me happy lately.

    Planning epic road trips

    David and I decided that even though we are on a fast track to pay off our debt and save money by making tons of sacrifices financially, for our mental health we want to have vacations to look forward to. We’ve been putting away a little each month and will continue to do so until next summer when we hope to be able to take our trip. Our plan is to drive from here all the way up the Pacific coast and then back a different way. And even though we won’t be able to go for awhile, planning it is half the fun!

    Christmas Coming

    I’m one of those people who will listen to holiday music all year long. Christmas is my favorite, and I’m especially looking forward to it this year since I know I won’t have to work. I’m ready to wear winter sweaters and send out cards. I’m ready to see the decorations go up and pick out gifts. And I certainly have some things on my wish list considering I haven’t bought myself anything significant in months and months. :)

    Old Favorites

    I pulled out my Gilmore Girls DVD’s and started the whole series from the beginning. This show is like comfort food to me. It soothes my soul.

    Also,

    David and I are closer than ever, our dogs have been on their best behavior lately, and the house is clean. I’m reading two good books, wearing a great pair of jeans, and am probably even going to cook some dinner tonight. So I’m doing fine, really.

    ***

    Images: ♥ ♥ ♥

  • doing my best

    I went to the therapist today, by myself. Usually David and I go together. He saw the therapist on his own before we got married and then we started going together. Our visits are billed to his insurance because my mine is extremely restrictive and almost everything is out of network.

    So today, since I was by myself, she billed my visit with a special code called “family without patient,” even though I’ve become the patient. Funny.

    I didn’t make a follow-up appointment, at least not yet. I don’t know what else to say to her right now. I know what my problem is. We’ve had an extremely difficult year, David and I, with too much going on. So I’ve been dealing with those things.

    Some of them are resolving on their own. For example, David is up and around and again, so I no longer have to do all the housework and errands and dog-caring myself. And with him working a lot of the anxiety I had over finances has dissipated.

    Some things I had to change to make myself happy. The biggest thing I did was interview for and accept a new job. Starting November 8th I’ll be transferring to my hospital’s outpatient cancer center, where I’ll be giving chemotherapy, blood transfusions, and the like. This is the sort of job that I get to graduate to since I put in my dues with inpatient. I’ll get every weekend and every holiday off, and hopefully my days will be less hectic and will involve less death and dying.

    (I do want to mention, though, that I have loved the unit that I work on, am grateful for all the experience it gave me, and will miss a lot of people there. But it’s just crazy.)

    I’ve also learned to change a lot of behavior, or at least I’m working on it. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cut myself some slack when it comes to the house being perfectly clean or with exercising every free day I get. And although I’m trying hard to follow my nutritionist’s advice and eat gluten- and dairy-free, I decided that there’s some things I’m just not willing to give up. I’ll just do my best.

    The one thing that I still deal with every single day is infertility. It blows my mind that if I hadn’t have miscarried I’d be a mother now. But I’m not, and I don’t know when I will be. These days, when I experience moments of overwhelming sadness it’s usually related to this.

    But at least it’s an improvement over being sad all the time for no discernible reason at all.