kapachino

Category: personal

  • Friday Things: Making Me Happy

    In order to lighten the mood around here, and to make it seem a little less like a self-help website, here are some things that have been inspiring me, exciting me, and making me happy lately.

    Planning epic road trips

    David and I decided that even though we are on a fast track to pay off our debt and save money by making tons of sacrifices financially, for our mental health we want to have vacations to look forward to. We’ve been putting away a little each month and will continue to do so until next summer when we hope to be able to take our trip. Our plan is to drive from here all the way up the Pacific coast and then back a different way. And even though we won’t be able to go for awhile, planning it is half the fun!

    Christmas Coming

    I’m one of those people who will listen to holiday music all year long. Christmas is my favorite, and I’m especially looking forward to it this year since I know I won’t have to work. I’m ready to wear winter sweaters and send out cards. I’m ready to see the decorations go up and pick out gifts. And I certainly have some things on my wish list considering I haven’t bought myself anything significant in months and months. :)

    Old Favorites

    I pulled out my Gilmore Girls DVD’s and started the whole series from the beginning. This show is like comfort food to me. It soothes my soul.

    Also,

    David and I are closer than ever, our dogs have been on their best behavior lately, and the house is clean. I’m reading two good books, wearing a great pair of jeans, and am probably even going to cook some dinner tonight. So I’m doing fine, really.

    ***

    Images: ♥ ♥ ♥

  • doing my best

    I went to the therapist today, by myself. Usually David and I go together. He saw the therapist on his own before we got married and then we started going together. Our visits are billed to his insurance because my mine is extremely restrictive and almost everything is out of network.

    So today, since I was by myself, she billed my visit with a special code called “family without patient,” even though I’ve become the patient. Funny.

    I didn’t make a follow-up appointment, at least not yet. I don’t know what else to say to her right now. I know what my problem is. We’ve had an extremely difficult year, David and I, with too much going on. So I’ve been dealing with those things.

    Some of them are resolving on their own. For example, David is up and around and again, so I no longer have to do all the housework and errands and dog-caring myself. And with him working a lot of the anxiety I had over finances has dissipated.

    Some things I had to change to make myself happy. The biggest thing I did was interview for and accept a new job. Starting November 8th I’ll be transferring to my hospital’s outpatient cancer center, where I’ll be giving chemotherapy, blood transfusions, and the like. This is the sort of job that I get to graduate to since I put in my dues with inpatient. I’ll get every weekend and every holiday off, and hopefully my days will be less hectic and will involve less death and dying.

    (I do want to mention, though, that I have loved the unit that I work on, am grateful for all the experience it gave me, and will miss a lot of people there. But it’s just crazy.)

    I’ve also learned to change a lot of behavior, or at least I’m working on it. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cut myself some slack when it comes to the house being perfectly clean or with exercising every free day I get. And although I’m trying hard to follow my nutritionist’s advice and eat gluten- and dairy-free, I decided that there’s some things I’m just not willing to give up. I’ll just do my best.

    The one thing that I still deal with every single day is infertility. It blows my mind that if I hadn’t have miscarried I’d be a mother now. But I’m not, and I don’t know when I will be. These days, when I experience moments of overwhelming sadness it’s usually related to this.

    But at least it’s an improvement over being sad all the time for no discernible reason at all.

  • A Long Weekend

    I bought a book today.

    It’s the first time I’ve bought myself anything for weeks. I didn’t even want to buy it, I’d prefer to get it from the library, but since our book club meeting is on Monday and I’m still 48th on the waiting list, I had no choice other than to not read it. And it’s been over four years of monthly book club meetings and not once have I missed a day or not finished the book. I can’t very well mess up a streak like that, can I?

    I’m concerned about finishing it, though. I have plans to visit a friend this evening, and tomorrow, Saturday, begins with training for church promptly at 8 a.m. (This is what happens when you get yourself involved with a church plant.) Later in the afternoon I committed to seeing a high school play that one of the youth group members is a part of, and David and I have a double date with my parents planned for Saturday evening. Sunday includes church and a family dinner, so at least I should have that afternoon to read, in theory.

    I think I can do it. Right now it’s Friday afternoon. I’m well-rested and my dogs are sleeping. I already cleaned the kitchen and paid the bills. The whole weekend stretches out ahead of me like a promise.

  • Currently In October

    I have been trying to write this post for over a week now! I miss blogging so much, and I want to get back into it. But I have to continue getting my life under control before I’ll have the energy and enthusiasm that I did before. In the meantime, I’ll be here when I can.

    Current Book(s): I started reading Waiting For Daisy a couple of weeks ago and I’m still only about halfway through. That doesn’t mean that it’s not good, it’s just that I haven’t been in the mood to read recently. With only three months left to reach my goal of 50 books this year and 19 books to go, things are looking bleak.

    Current Playlist: Lately I’ve been listening to the classical music station in the car when I drive. It helps keep me calm while also distracting me from my anxious thoughts.

    Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: There are things I’m ashamed of, like how showering every day has become more of a guideline, but none of them are really pleasures.

    Current Color: I suppose I’m into grey right now. Grey skies mean less heat, and I have the most comfortable grey sweater that I can’t wait to be able to wear.

    Current Drink: Just water and V8 Fusion, baby. Here’s to getting healthy.

    Current Food: First I decided to go mostly vegetarian, next my nutritionist advised me to go gluten-free, and finally I discovered that I’m most likely lactose intolerant. Food is a difficult subject right now, but there are two things that will always be part of my diet, and that’s eggs and beans. Yum.

    Current Favorite Show: I’m so proud of myself that I finally caught up with Gossip Girl. Now I can follow along on Twitter when the new shows come out. I haven’t been able to do that in years!

    Come to think of it, THIS could be considered my guilty pleasure.

    Current Wishlist: I don’t mind having to cut corners, but I hate having debt hanging over my head and I wish I could make it disappear. We will get there, it’s just going to take a few years of hard work.

    Current Needs: I need to relearn how to handle stress, and I need to rediscover the happiness I used to have. It’s there, I know.

    Current Triumphs: Here is where I attempt to be positive! I’ve dealt with some things at work recently that I am proud of myself for, but I can’t talk about yet. I played a soccer game this weekend and I didn’t feel like I was going to die, so that must mean my running efforts are paying off. The house isn’t a wreck at the moment which is kind of a miracle. And I have successfully cut back on the number of responsibilities in my life so that I can function like a human being.

    Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Ugh, depression. Or is it hormones? Or some kind of chemical imbalance? Or just stress?

    Can this be true, please? Because I would totally cheat on my gluten-free diet for it.

    Current Celebrity Crush: None at the moment, but check back next month once I’ve seen a few more movies. :)

    Current Indulgence: Ice cream, even though it makes me sick. How sad!

    Current Blessing(s): David times a thousand. As soon as he was able to walk again he started helping me do all the things that he can, like chores and housework and taking care of the dogs. Plus, he keeps me hoping and stays positive when I don’t think I have it in me.

    Current Outfit: Some comfy lounge pants and my favorite t-shirt ever. At my 10-year high school reunion this past weekend I saw that I was wearing it in the class panoramic picture and that made me happy.

    Current Excitement: Awhile back I thought that it would be possible for David and I to sneak away to Kansas to visit friends and attend my college’s homecoming this coming weekend, so I asked off of work for three days in a row. Then David convinced me that a trip right now just isn’t possible for us, but the bright side is that now I have a long weekend coming up!

    Current Link: Haven’t been spending much time online lately, so I don’t have anything to share. But feel free to pass along anything you find that is happy/funny/inspiring!

    Happy October. :)

  • Workin On It

    Well, I’m feeling a bit better.

    I can’t say that I’m back to my usual self yet. I still get overwhelmed by small stresses that shouldn’t faze me. I still don’t have the energy I’m used to, and I haven’t recovered all the joy I lost for things like reading, being active, and participating in this lovely online community. Honestly, right now I’m barely participating in my real life community. I still notice physical discomfort more than I should.

    But I’m getting better, and I’ve been working really hard to keep going that direction.

    First, I needed cut back on some responsibilities and give myself a break, so I turned over the reigns of the church youth group to David and his brother Scott. I still want to be involved with these kids, but right now I can’t be the one in charge. I also put a halt on any projects around the house, and just did what I had to do to keep things tidy-ish. (I still had to keep doing chores because at a certain point the state of the house would just add to my insanity.) A little over a week ago David said a willing goodbye to his walker, and since then he’s been helping me with errands which is such a relief.

    Something else that has been stressing me out is our finances, since David was off work for an extended period of time. So we began attending Financial Peace University, and although it’s a difficult program, the hope it offers to pay off debt and build wealth is unmatched. David went back to work this week, so we will have a little breathing room in our budget again soon.

    I’ve been exercising. I haven’t felt like it most of the time, but I know the power of endorphins. I play soccer every other weekend (which practically kills me) and then I’m running the Couch to 5k program on my days off, and I’m on week 5. I don’t even try to run on days I work right now. I think my fitness is improving.

    David and I decided to go back to see our counselor again. It took a couple weeks to get an appointment, but our first session is today. Our marriage is wonderful – we celebrated two years on Sunday – but this has been a difficult time for both of us so we want to talk it out together. Even though David has been physically hindered for the past few months, emotionally he has been holding me up. I’m so grateful for him.

    One of the biggest decisions I made was to see a nutritionist. Since I recently stopped eating meat for the most part, and for over a month I hadn’t really been feeling well, I decided I needed professional advice. I talked to her about everything from my physical symptoms to my depression to my infertility. She was wonderfully hopeful and put me on supplements for energy and to regulate my cycle. She also recommended that I try a gluten and dairy free diet. Gluten, because it has probably either caused or at least exacerbated my polycystic ovarian syndrome. Dairy, because many people are intolerant of it and they just don’t realize it. She thinks she can get me pregnant without medical intervention, so I’m willing to give it a shot. The diet, though, is hard. I’m still getting used to it.

    So that’s my update. I miss this space, and I miss being in touch. I know I’m not doing very well at reaching out, but every time someone sends me an email or a message or a note in the mail, I get a little bit happier. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.