kapachino

Category: personal

  • the certainties in life: a tragicomedy in four acts

    Today I feel privileged to bring you a post from one of my all-time favorite writers and bloggers, S. When I decided to invite guest posters, she was at the top of my list. A 26-year-old in the midst of a divorce, she writes about her journey to find a life she’s in love with on her blog. Show her some love and leave a comment! And go visit her, I promise you’ll be hooked.

    ***

    Cast of Characters (in order of appearance):

    IRS: A government force that S tries desperately to reckon with.

    S: A good liberal and newly single (albeit not yet legally) working girl who happens to be quite poor, though these two facts are probably unrelated.

    Sister: Sister of S, an accountant and a conservative.

    STBEH: Soon To Be Ex-Husband of S, a naturally benevolent man who has (understandable) issues with S.

    NYEG: New Year’s Eve Guy, boyfriend of S but who may harbor the slight fear that S is a total basketcase, since he’s only known her since, well, New Year’s Eve, and also since it’s very probable that S is, in fact, a total basketcase.

    Audience: You.

    Company: Not really all that different from the IRS, except not a government operation, which translates to: GREEDIER.

    Facebook: An often ill-advised forum for S’s generation.

    Coworkers: A sympathetic ear for S who will stab her in the back if need be.

    Bosses: Masters of S’s fate, tools of Company.

    ***

    Act 1, Scene 1
    IRS: THAT’LL BE $452.
    S: How can that be? I make so little money as it is.
    IRS: DO NOT QUESTION OUR WAYS OR YOU WILL PAY. MORE.

    Act 1, Scene 2
    S: Sister, how can this be?
    Sister: It’s Obama’s fault. But double check.

    Act 1, Scene 3
    S: IRS, are you sure this is true?
    IRS: WAIT, DID WE SAY $452? WE MEANT $1,333.
    S: (Dies.)

    Act 1, Scene 4
    S: (From heaven.) Sister, how can this be?
    Sister: It’s STBEH’s fault. But double check.

    Act 1, Scene 5
    S: STBEH, are you sure this is true?
    STBEH: Yes.
    S: You screwed me.
    STBEH: You screwed me first.
    S: Fair enough.

    Act 1, Scene 6
    IRS: Betcha wish you’d gotten that divorce taken care of earlier, eh? Whomp-waaaah.

    Act 1, Scene 7:
    S: So, that was my day.
    NYEG: Yeah, you should probably get that divorce taken care of. But everything will be okay because I am wonderful and caring and level-headed and gentle and because I seem to like you for reasons that are completely inexplicable, but are still true.
    S: (Comes back to life.)

    ***

    Act 2, Scene 1
    (The next day.)
    S: Wait, I make more money than my W2 says my reported earnings are.
    Audience: (Uproarious laughter.)

    ***

    Act 3, Scene 1
    (Same day, except it feels much later, as time is now moving at a paradoxically simultaneous warp speed and unbelievable sluggishness.)
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 2
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE AND I DON’T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL SKILLS TO MANAGE THIS BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY PARENTS WHO WERE RAISED BY CHILDREN OF THE DEPRESSION SO I’LL DO WHAT THE REST OF MY GENERATION DOES, WHICH IS WHINE ON FACEBOOK.
    Facebok: Word.

    Act 3, Scene 3
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 4
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE SO I’LL TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND WHINE INAPPROPRIATELY TO COWORKERS BECAUSE I’M INCREASINGLY MORE DESPERATE WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES AND ALSO MY FACE IS STILL SWOLLEN FROM CRYING FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT YESTERDAY.
    Coworkers: This same thing happened to that dude who just quit. So good luck with that. Also, you might want to do something about your face sitch.

    Act 3, Scene 5
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: (Crickets.)

    Act 3, Scene 6
    S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEEE SO I’LL WHINE TO MY BOSSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING AS A COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR BECAUSE NOW I AM INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW AND AM ALSO ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.  AGAIN.
    Bosses: You need to ask a different person. Also, this was inappropriate.

    Act 3, Scene 7
    S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
    Company: Because your health insurance was deducted from your paycheck on a pre-tax basis, which amounts to $3,000.
    S: Oh.

    ***

    Act 4, Scene 1
    IRS: PAY. NOW.
    Company: You are a moron.
    STBEH: I still hate you but I will take care of this problem because you are so poor and also because I really didn’t mean to screw you over and therefore hope to remind you that I am a naturally benevolent person whom you rejected, which will probably adversely affect your life forever.
    NYEG: I still inexplicably like you. I think.
    S: (Notices ringworm developing on inside of her left forearm.) Life is so fun lately! I am an asshole!

    THE END.

  • Ten On Tuesday: My Questions!

    Since I lovingly and painstakingly came up with each one of these questions for Chelsea, I guess I should answer them myself. :) I tried to think of things I would really be interested in knowing the answers to, and that would also be fun to write about. Here we go:

    1. What television character do you identify with?
    I wrote this question because it’s so easy for me to answer. I am a real-life version of pre-season 5 Rory on Gilmore Girls. I’m a goody-goody, I’m a bookworm, I’m a homebody who is in love with my town, I love interesting movies, and now I’m even a habitual coffee drinker. I even think we look a little bit alike, although my brother has met her in real life (at a party – yeah, he’s that cool) and he says she looks fragile, she’s so thin. I definitely don’t look fragile.

    2. Describe your morning routine.
    I press snooze a few times, then lie in bed lamenting the fact that it is SO DANG EARLY and I actually HAVE to get out my incredibly comfortable bed. I spend a few minutes in prayer telling God that it’s just not fair, but then I realize that if I don’t get up NOW, I won’t be able to eat breakfast and that’s just bad news bears.

    So I get up, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, take a shower, then wrap a towel around me. I put on face and body lotion and run a brush through my hair. I get dressed and put on deodorant and earrings. I grab my phone and my book and walk to the front of the house. I let the dogs outside and put food and water in their bowls. I put some water on to boil and pack mine and David’s lunch. I let the dogs in when they start to become obnoxious. I prepare coffee. I blow dry my hair in the laundry room because for some reason all the electrical outlets in all the bathrooms are broken. I plug my flat-iron in to heat up. I put on makeup in the front bathroom because the light is best there. I style my hair because if I don’t it does this crazy flip thing. I eat a quick bowl of cereal. I go back to our room and wake David up to say goodbye to him, hoping for some entertaining sleep-talk. I hug the dogs goodbye, then drive to work.

    3. How do you do lunch? Bring from home or dine out? Same thing every day or mix it up?
    I always bring my lunch, and it is almost always this: Lean Cuisine (either chicken carbonara or roasted turkey breast), banana, yogurt or applesauce, and a Fiber One bar. I eat in the lounge on the unit at work. I also pack leftovers for dinner if I’m working a long day.

    4. What is one moment that, although seemingly trivial at the time, changed your life?
    After I graduated college the first time, I took a “summer job” at an oncology clinic doing medical records. My plan was to work through the summer and then move to Dallas to do ministry with my best friend. But because of that job I became interested in nursing, and I realized the best place to do that was Houston. I ended up working there for two years while I went to class at night getting prerequisites for nursing school.

    5. Name your top three beauty products.
    My life was changed when I discovered mousse for my hair, even the cheap kind. It takes away the static, gives my limp hair body, and helps it do what I want it to do. Mascara is the one makeup product that I can’t do without. It completely changes the look of my face. My favorite is Dior DiorShow, but I’m looking for an organic brand. Finally, I am obsessed with the little tubes of Aquaphor. It is perfect for lips: extremely moisturizing, long-lasting, shimmery, and cheap.

    6. What do you do when you’re alone in the car?
    60% of the time I sit in silence and think, talk to myself, or pray.
    30% of the time I listen to audiobooks.
    10% of the time I listen to music and sometimes sing, and only 1% of the time is that to the radio.

    7. What is the ideal city for you to live in? If you can, take this survey (< that’s a link) and tell us the results. Do you agree with them?


    My top result was Norfolk, Virginia. I didn’t know anything about it so I read through the results. It seems like a nice place: on the water, mild climate, a good arts scene. I think I’d like it there. I’ve taken this survey before, and my top result was Charleston, South Carolina. I do love the southeast, it’s quite beautiful. But my heart will always belong to Texas, and I really do think Houston is an ideal situation for me even if you take family out of the picture. It has a few things that are extremely important to me: a best-in-the-country medical center, lots of great food, a warm climate, and awesome theatres.

    8. Are you waiting for something?
    I am waiting for next week when we get to go to NYC. I am waiting for my next cycle to begin so I can start fertility testing. I am waiting for the fall when I might possibly get to transfer to a hospital closer to home.

    9. What was the last shocking news you heard?
    The other day I read an obituary at work about one of our patients who had died. It shouldn’t be shocking considering the field I’m in, but the last time I saw this patient (only a couple weeks ago), she was walking around and as loud and boisterous as ever.

    10. What are three things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars?
    I wouldn’t cheat on David in any way, shape, or form. I wouldn’t renounce my faith. I wouldn’t eat any kind of live insect or other creature.

    It was fun to answer my own questions! Although they weren’t all easy, not even for me. Looking forward to reading your answers. :)

  • My Return To Exercise: Wii Fit Plus Style

    Right before my miscarriage my doctor told me to stop exercising. Because two drastic health events followed that, I’ve been hesitant to start up again. But with a lot of rest, medication, and supplements, I’m finally feeling strong enough. There is a sprint triathlon in August that I’m shooting for, and I’ll start training for that in a couple months. Until then, I want to build up my strength and get back to my baseline of fitness.

    I mentioned before that the folks at Brand About Town chose me to be a Nintendo Enthusiast. I was extremely excited to find a Wii, Wii Fit Plus, and a book called The Triathlon Training Bible in the mail one day.

    Total score!

    I immediately hooked it all up, created my Mii, and did a body test. Then I started reading the book. This time, I want to have a thorough understanding of triathlon training before I begin.

    Last week when I had off work I decided that it was the day to begin exercising again. Due to my recent blood loss and stomach issues I’m at a healthy weight for me, one that I want to maintain, but I have lost all muscle tone. Here I am in my workout clothes for the first time in forever:

    I may or may not be wearing the shirt I slept in last night

    I thought that the Wii Fit Plus was the perfect way to ease back into working out, and it’ll be nice to have in the summer months when it’s just too hot to go outside.

    I started out by doing another body test. It weighs you, and then has you do a couple of mind and balance tests. I am TERRIBLE at the balance tests. I mean really. Terrible. Then based on a combination of your actual age and your performance, it gives you your Wii Fit Age. I did the body test three separate times before I got an age that I felt acceptable to display to the Internet.

    Much better than 38

    One of my 101 goals was to unlock all the exercises in Wii Fit, but the Wii Fit Plus doesn’t have any exercises locked. I am therefore editing my goal to read: try all the exercises in Wii Fit Plus at least once. I jumped right in a started playing around, although it was a little hard to do when I had this to deal with:

    Oliver needs to attend a 12-step program for codependency

    First I did a little jog. You don’t have to run on the balance board, you just hold the controller or put it in your pocket. I like to hold things when I run anyway, so I didn’t mind. Running in place is kind of awkward at first, and it works my calves more than I’m used to (which might be a good thing). I was sore for DAYS afterwards. It’s not a replacement for actual running, but it’s still a nice aerobic exercise.

    Awkward picture of me running in place, taken by my camera on self-timer

    Next I did some yoga stretches. One of the changes to Wii Fit Plus is that you can put together your own routines. So instead of just doing one yoga pose at a time you can kind of simulate a flow, although there is still some transition time.

    My ridiculous triangle pose

    And since I love to ride bikes, I tried this new addition called Island Cycle. You pick your feet up and down as if you’re riding a bike (but not really) and hold the controller horizontally to steer. You hit all the checkpoints and return to the starting point. It was fun!

    Wish I had a place to ride like that in real life

    The last thing I did was create a profile for my dog Cleo. I think it’s so cool that you can do this! (Works for kids & babies too.) Not only do you get to see a cute little puppy on screen that will show up in your activities (she followed me around when I was cycling), but you can track your pet’s weight. This is actually really helpful when you have a dog who is bordering on obesity and you need to know what dose of heartworm pill to give her.

    She's so cute!

    Looks a lot like her, don’t you think?

    Too bad you can't do the training with me, little Cleo

    So my goals are to do a body test once a week for at least 12 weeks, and try all the exercises once. I’ll decide which ones work best for me, and use those on the days where I can’t make it outside.

    Anyone else have a Wii Fit or Wii Fit Plus? How do you use it, and what do you think of it?

  • Friday Things: On My Mind

    Friday is the day of randomness, right?

    Retirement

    Not mine, unfortunately. My mentor, the woman who showed me what a good nurse looks like, is retiring in a week. I am sad but so excited for her. I am in charge of collecting money and procuring a gift for her from our entire unit, and I feel a lot of pressure re: this.

    Netflix

    I’m so excited that Netflix streaming will soon be available for Wii. That will help SO MUCH with my goal of watching all the movies that have won Best Picture.

    My teeth

    I can sympathize with my nephew because I’m teething and it is terrible. Technically I’ve been teething for years as my wisdom teeth have slowly been pushing their way out, but as they are coming in sideways they aren’t making much progress. I have had pain off and on for quite awhile, but the last couple days have been the worst. My gums are inflamed and I can’t eat hard foods. Recently I begged my dentist to send me to an oral surgeon to get them removed (because in addition I have chronic TMJ problems that this only complicates) and he agreed. I get them out the last week in April and it can’t come soon enough.

    Weekend

    I’m really looking forward to this weekend. My plans are to visit the farmer’s market, hang out with a friend, attend a wedding, go to church, and paint a couple rooms in our house.

    What’s on your mind?

  • Ten On Tuesday

    1. When you were a senior in high school, what career did you think you’d choose? Did you? Why or why not?
    The thing I loved best was singing, so I thought I’d somehow find myself in music ministry. I went to a tiny Christian college (the first time around) and since there was no “music ministry” major instead I started on a double major of music and ministry. I ended up dropping the music part when I discovered that a) it was less church worship music and more classical training, and b) that I would have to take piano classes throughout school. Piano and I have a rough history.

    2. What one thing about the “real world” did you find most surprising once you were on your own?
    I don’t think I had a very shocking transition into adulthood, but I suppose the biggest change I had to adapt to was not being able to take time off anytime I needed to. Like, sometimes I have to go to work even when I’m sick because I’m not sick enough to warrant the day off.

    3. Name 3 things you think your closest friends DON’T like about you.
    Different friends would say different things. Some might not like that I don’t drink, party, or stay up late. Some might not like that I can get over-competitive if I let myself. Some might not like that I (unknowingly?) put out an air that makes me seem like a saint or a nun, and they are afraid to admit any failures to me. Some might not like that I am fairly set in my ways and don’t deal with change well. I think that was four, but oh well.

    4. In order to sleep, do you need background noise or absolute quiet?
    I prefer quiet, although I do enjoy white noise. I can’t deal with much more than that, and have a pair of earplugs on my bedside table just in case.

    5. Why do you choose to reside in your current city? Yes, you have a choice.
    I was born in Houston and have spent most of my life here. My entire family, plus my in-laws, live here. The climate is warm, it’s easy driving distance from the beach or the hill country, and there are a ton of amazing restaurants. It has the biggest medical center in the country, one of the best theatre districts, and the people are super friendly. It’s home, and I love it here.

    6. Are you close to your parents?
    Yes! They live only a few minutes away, and I get to see them at least once a week. One thing I love about adulthood is being friends with my parents.

    7. What is your favorite fiction book? Poem? Blog?
    My favorite fiction book is Lord of the Rings. I’m not much of a poetry person, although I have read some that I truly love. (I just can’t remember them right now.) As for my favorite blog, I adore all of my friends and enjoy everything they have to say. But I do have one huge blog crush on Holly from Nothing But Bonfires. I want to be her.

    8. Do you enjoy cooking or is it a chore?
    I really do enjoy it, but it stresses me out because I’m not experienced yet. I need a LOT of time to get a meal together which isn’t always feasible.

    9. Be honest. What one thing would (the majority of) your blog readers be shocked to find out about you?
    Y’all, my personal slogan is “There’s No Catch.” What you see is what you get. Of course there are personal things that I don’t blog about, but if you and I were to sit down and chat I don’t think any of those things would shock you.

    10. If you were given your own national holiday, what would you require people to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner on the Day of You? Would there be a parade? Greeting cards?
    Breakfast would be eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Lunch would be baked potato soup and sandwiches. Dinner would be chicken and dumplings. Everyone would get the day off, even nurses. In this fantasy there would be a way to make that work.