Category: personal

My Self-Conscious Friday

I used to hate driving to work, but now that I’ve started making coffee at home and drinking it before the drive, I’m coming to enjoy the 40 minutes to myself (probably because I no longer fear that I will fall asleep and die). I was sleepy when I woke up this morning, but that made the coffee taste even better. I got in my car with my mug in hand and my favorite U2 song queued up, “Stuck In A Moment”. I was just coming back to work from two days off and looking forward to the weekend off too. I was ready for it to be a good day.

But since I don’t have a travel mug, I immediately dribbled some coffee on my cute pink scrubs. It was only a little bit, and it’s not blatantly noticeable, but it still makes me self-conscious. No big deal, I thought. No one will notice.

I got to work a tad late, and took my seat in the conference room where we listen to report. My mentor said hello and then looked at my hands with a confused expression. After report she approached me and said, “So what’s with the nail polish? Is it black?”

“No, it’s purple,” I replied. I want to say that I rarely–and I mean almost NEVER–paint my nails. I don’t like dealing with the polish chipping off, which it seems to do after only a few days. When I do paint my nails, it’s either clear or a light, neutral color. But all day yesterday I had the urge to try a dark color. I had some deep purple lying around left over from friend’s wedding. Finally I gave in, and it’s been weirding me out ever since. I kind of like it, but it’s totally not ME. I thought about taking it off, but I wanted to try and be bold and branch out a little anyway.

“I’ve gotta say, it looks really unprofessional,” said my mentor, and then she patted me on the shoulder and walked away. I flushed. I know a lot of people wouldn’t agree, but she’s probably right. Technically we’re allowed to wear polish if it’s intact, but it’s a harbor for germs if it starts chipping. Also, I really respect my mentor and want to please her. I tried to wipe it off with alcohol swabs, but that didn’t work. I’ll just remove it tonight.

So after I obsessed about the nail polish a little bit, I moved on and was just going about my business. Out of nowhere one of my coworkers said to me, “Kathleen it looks like you’re gaining some weight! What’s going on there?”

I flushed again. “I haven’t gained weight, it must be the pink scrubs I have on today.”

“But I noticed it the other day in the teal color too. I mean it doesn’t look BAD, I’m just used to you being really skinny.”

I mean, come ON. Don’t you think women should know to never say that to another woman, even if it’s true? And for the record, I HAVEN’T gained weight. I checked. I’ve actually been eating a bit healthier lately, and exercising more regularly. Maybe my fat is just rearranging itself, I don’t know.

I think I have a fairly healthy view of myself, so I’m not distraught over these petty comments. But one after another, they don’t help improve my day. At this point, I’m just ready for 7 p.m. to get here so I can go home and be hugged by my husband.

November 6, 2009
A Good Night’s Sleep

Since I worked so late on Tuesday I didn’t get to sleep until many hours later than my usual bedtime. The consequence of such a circumstance is that I found myself reaching for my sleep mask when it started getting light in the morning, and didn’t wake up until around 11 a.m. Then I felt fuzzy around the edges all day long. That was yesterday.

After getting a lot of nothing accomplished during the day, David and I went to church because we help lead the youth group. On our way home I was feeling a little sleepy again. David rolled his eyes and told me, “I feel bad for you when you get home after a 16-hour shift, but not after you slept in until 11 and had the whole day off.” I tried to explain to him how I thrive on routine and one whacked out sleep cycle ruins me for the next few days, but he wasn’t buying it. I figured I’d crawl in bed when I got home.

But when I got home something of a second wind came upon me, which isn’t that surprising considering I had only been awake for ten hours. For one reason or another (mostly my schedule) David and I don’t get a lot of chances to just unwind and relax together in the evenings, so I decided to take advantage of this chance. I changed into my lounge pants (that I had only taken off a few hours earlier), settled myself on the couch near David, and we enjoyed a comfortable silence while he worked on his computer and I browsed on mine.

After a little while he put on a movie. I wasn’t really interested in it, so I didn’t pay much attention. But after a short amount of time I noticed him nodding off out of the corner of my eye. I love it when I catch him falling asleep. I can tell the exact moment it happens by the change in his breathing. There is something so sweet and vulnerable about him during those times, and it makes me want to grab onto him and never let go.

While I was thinking these thoughts a sudden little snore escaped him, and he immediately sat up straight, looked right at me, and smiled sheepishly. We both laughed, and my heart swelled with so much love that I thought it would burst. Then we put away our things, brushed our teeth, and crawled into bed, together, to fall asleep, together, a rare treat. I laid down next to him and he said, “Closer” and I moved closer. Cleo burrowed herself underneath the blankets and stretched out next to me on the other side, pushing me into him. We slept like that, the three of us, all night long.

November 5, 2009
Can’t Live Without

What can’t you live without, even when money is tight? What’s most important to you?

I’ve heard it said that you can tell what’s most important to you by looking at how you spend your money. In the past, I haven’t wanted to believe that because I was ashamed at all the frivolous things I paid money for, but I think it’s probably pretty accurate.

These days if you look at our bank account you’ll see that most of our money goes to our mortgage, other household bills, and food. I guess that’s the part of growing up that isn’t too fun. But even so, I think these expenses say something about us. We didn’t have to buy a house, but it was important enough to us to have a place to call our own, to settle down, and to have a yard for our dogs to play in. We don’t have to pay for cable and internet, but it’s our link to the world. We don’t have to give money to our church, but we believe that God gave us everything we have anyway, and our church is our family. It couldn’t support itself without the giving of its members.

Apart from those things, there is very little that I won’t deprive myself of in the name of saving money, especially now that we’ve started our new budget. But the following are the few things that I find myself purchasing no matter what, even now.

Lean Cuisines for lunch. I realize that these are relatively expensive to bring to work every day for lunch compared to bringing leftovers or making a sandwich. But I can’t tell you how much I love them, and the ease of just throwing one in my bag in the morning is a big draw.

Netflix. First of all, we don’t really go to movies anymore. $9 a pop? No thank you. Netflix is more expensive than using Redbox, but we do it for the selection. It’s our compromise. Right now we’re watching through some of our favorite TV shows that we missed the first time around.

The occasional new book. I’m a big fan of the library, and I’m also a member of Paperbackswap.com and Bookmooch.com, so I rarely have to buy books I want to read. But sometimes our book club chooses a book that is either insanely popular or brand new, and then I have to bite the bullet. If I can’t find it used, I go to Barnes & Noble because I still have a membership there.

Of course, what I really can’t live without can’t be bought with money. Love of family and friends, hope for a future, and a purpose for my life are some of those things. If I had those things, I could live on the street scrounging for food and make it through.

What about you? What can’t you live without?

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This post is a part of 20SB’s Blog Carnival: Can’t Live Without, and Alice.com is awarding prizes to lucky bloggers and readers!

November 4, 2009
career plan

Since I’m stuck at work today for 16 hours–and I feel the need to tell you that I only agreed to do this because I was awarded tomorrow off, and they will be paying me for four hours that I won’t have to work, and I also have Thursday off, as well as this weekend, so it’ll be almost like a mini-vacation–I figured I’d quickly tell you about how I came to fulfill #35 on my 101 goals list: Thoroughly research nurse practitioner programs in the area and decide whether or not to enroll.

Ever since my mentor told me I should become a nurse practitioner, I’ve been thinking long and hard about it. I love my job, but I probably won’t want to do bedside nursing forever. I have it in me to advance in my career, and I realized that I won’t be satisfied with myself if I don’t try. After being a charge nurse for the past few months, I know that I don’t want to go into management. Being a nurse educator has never appealed to me either, although it’s definitely better than the former. But what I love about nursing is the patient care. The best way to advance in patient care is to become a nurse practitioner.

A lot of people have asked me what the difference between a nurse practitioner (NP) and a physician’s assistant (PA) is. They both perform similar roles in that they require the supervision of a physician but can see patients on their own, write orders, prescribe most common drugs, and diagnose and treat common illnessess. NP’s can actually have a somewhat independent practice while PA’s cannot, but the difference is mainly in how they are trained. NP’s are registered nurses, and we are taught to focus more on the biopsychosocial issues with an emphasis on wellness, disease prevention, and adaptation. PA’s are usually affiliated with medical schools and focus on the biological/pathological aspects of health, diagnosis, and treatment. Bored yet? Still interested? Here is a chart comparison of the two.

Although I get really excited about the prospect of becoming an NP (did I mention they make like three times as much as an RN?), I have some concerns. Mainly money for education and free time. There is no way I’m taking out more student loans, and I don’t want to stop working. That means I’ll have to work and go to school at the same time. I found out that my hospital will reimburse me for tuition up to $2500 a year which is totally enough for 3-4 classes/year at my alma mater. UT is one of the best schools in the area and also very reasonably priced. Even though I knew I didn’t want to be anything other than a longhorn, I looked into other schools just in case, but they were more expensive. Score!

So as of now, here’s my plan. Next year, I’ll become oncology certified. Then I’ll start thinking about taking the GRE. I’ll look to apply for NP school either next fall or the following summer. And THAT is scary…but exciting!

November 3, 2009
Currently In November

Current Book(s): Finishing up Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout for book club. It won the Pulitzer Prize this year, and believe me when I tell you that there is a reason for that. I love it so much.

Current Playlist: Mostly this month it’s been silence. The exceptions are my Over the Rhine Pandora station for when I’m cooking, and the Les Miserables original cast recording for when I’m cleaning. I guess I like a soundtrack for my chores.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Probably NOT exercising the way I should be. All the days that it was raining provided the perfect excuse. But it’s sunny and beautiful today, and I should go for a run. Not really feeling it, so we’ll see.

Current Drink: Actually enjoying coffee lately, and slowly learning to be a snob about it (a la Peter Kline). At home right now we have Newman’s Own French Roast, which I make every morning I have to drive to work. (I try to skip it on the other days; I don’t want to become too dependent on it.) After tasting this, I can’t even bring myself to drink what’s at work.

Current Food: The dinner exchange we’ve started with Scott and Vanessa is going strong in its second week. Last week we kept it simple and (somewhat) healthy by making tacos. My next cooking night isn’t till Saturday, so hopefully I can come up with something good.

Current Favorite Show: David and I are behind on our favorite shows and are trying to catch up on Netflix. Right now we’re on last season’s The Office, and it’s one of the best things ever. The words, “It’s as good as Seinfeld” actually came out of my husband’s mouth, which is incredible if you know him.

Current Wishlist: My family uses lists for Christmas every year, so this year I decided to put mine together online. That way I can edit it without having to tell every person my changes.

Current Needs: Just to love and be loved. :)

Current Triumphs: My house is still really clean after three days. Sometimes it’s the little things.

Current Bane(s) of my Existence: The key to our back door broke off in the lock. This would be a good time to bite the bullet and have all our locks changed so that they open with one key instead of four different ones, except that we just started our new, very strict, budget and have not saved up the money for that yet.

Current Celebrity Crush: I don’t really have a crush, but I sure do like watching Dmitry Chaplin dance.

Current Indulgence: I just threw away the remainders of two pans of brownies and chocolate chip cookies which have been taunting me. Enough with that.

Current Blessing: The weather is gorgeous. I mean honestly, is it even allowed to be this beautiful?

Current Outfit: Striped fuzzy socks, grey lounge pants from Gap Body, and a long sleeved white t-shirt that I got in Kauai. Also known as what I slept in last night.

Current Excitement: Running the Seawall Crawl with Maggie this Saturday and spending the day in Galveston afterwards. Completing NaBloPoMo. Saving money.

Current Mood: I’m feeling very lazy, gotta be honest.

Current Link: I’ve been searching a little bit for well-designed personal blogs on frugal and green living. Anyone know of any?

November 2, 2009