kapachino

Category: thoughts

  • have courage, dear heart

    My word for 2018 is Courage.

    Originally, it was going to be Serenity. I was tired of being in survival mode, feeling chaotic, stressed out about my circumstances. I wanted peace. I am deep in the recovery world now, and the Serenity Prayer is one we recite often:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

    Serenity is being in the eye of the storm. Everything may be crazy around you, but you have the ability to remain calm.

    I do want serenity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my personality naturally seeks out peace and calm. That is always going to be something I am searching for. And usually, I get it by unhealthy means: avoiding conflict, stuffing emotions down, and escaping.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can…

    It struck me one day that Courage is the active word in the second line of the prayer.

    Courage: the quality of mind or spirit to face difficulty, danger, or pain without fear. Strength in the face of pain or grief.

    I think that in order to find true serenity I am going to need courage. The things I can change are not other people, or outside circumstances. The things I can change are inside of me: my attitude and my behaviors.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    ***

    P.S. David is back in rehab right now, and he will most likely be there for another month. It has been a roller coaster ride, but right now I am hopeful for our future. I’m working on setting up systems of sustainability and routines in our life to manage the everyday while still taking care of myself. There are so many more things that I want to write about and share here, but as you can imagine it’s hard to find the time and the energy. However, this year I want to prioritize recreation and blogging is something I miss doing for fun, so I hope to find a way to make it happen.

  • hurricane harvey and other updates

    When I resumed blogging I told myself no pressure. Post when you feel like it! Don’t impose a schedule on yourself! I thought that would be difficult for my personality since I’m usually all or nothing, but as it turns out, it has been rather easy! Ha.

    I haven’t had much brain space for deep thinking lately, so here is a list of thoughts. Linking up for Seven Quick Takes.

    1 – The biggest thing that has happened around here recently is, obviously, Hurricane Harvey. First of all: we, along with all of our family, are safe. We are also mostly dry. My parents’ house took on about 6 inches of water and lost a lot, but it will probably be a good thing when it’s all said and done. We are the fortunate ones, as I’m sure you can tell from the news. I can’t describe how depressing it is to see your city in such a state and for life to practically stop for an entire week. As of now, stores are slowly opening and I’ve returned to work. School will be closed for another week, and my Catholic parish is closed until further notice. The recovery begins.

    2 – One bonus to being stuck at home for four continuous days is that I got a bit of crafting mojo back. I learned about Catholic peg dolls, became obsessed, and promptly started making my own. I also began this Jesus cross stitch and, when I work on it, I listen to Catholic podcasts and consider it a time of meditation and devotion.

    3 – I decided change how I use Facebook. During the storm I was checking it constantly and it sealed the deal for me that I only ever feel anxious when I open it up. I ended up making my profile private, unfollowed everyone, and am using it for groups only. I’m already relieved. I’ll still be somewhat active on Instagram for now, though.

    4 – I have probably gained ten pounds from stress-eating and being stuck at home in the past week. While stocking up with supplies I bought a huge bag of dark chocolate sea salt caramels and it is over halfway gone. (#noregrets #maybealittleregret) I was doing really well with exercise until this, and while I think I’ll be able to resume that next week, I have GOT to get my eating under control.

    5 – I’m working on more posts. I haven’t written out the whole story about why I decided to become Catholic yet, so that’s one I’ve begun. And I want to tell you about my struggle with cyclical depression & anxiety, and the process of getting the help I need. Soon I also want to post a list of resources for evangelicals wanting to learn about Catholicism, along with my favorite Catholic podcasts.

    6 – The best (non-Catholic) book I’ve read recently (like in the past two months) is Anything Is Possible by Elizabeth Strout. Second best is At Home in the World by Tsh Oxenreider.

    7 – I’m supposed to have seven items for this list. Turns out I’m having a very hard time coming up with that many. Have a good long weekend!

  • five ways i’m learning to love summer

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    Hey hey! I’m stopping in today because I wanted to share some things that have been on my mind about summer. It’s in full swing here, despite the near-constant rain that is prohibiting us from frequenting the neighborhood pool so far. But then again, the rain is keeping the temps around 90 instead of 100 degrees so…silver lining?

    I’m not one to pick a favorite season, because I really do like different things about each one. When I was a kid I loved summer. The heat didn’t phase me and of course I loved the break. I went to camp, swam, and hung out with my friends and brothers constantly. But I’ve noticed as I age summer goes down and down on the list of things I look forward to. Partly because of living in Houston where the heat and humidity are oppressive, and partly because I’m a working mom with little kids so while nothing really changes in our lives during summer, it seems like all around me people are off doing these fun things that we can’t do. And that might even get harder as the kids get older.

    So this year, before I let it get to me, I’ve decided to embrace summer and make it special despite the relative same-ness of our schedules. I’m determined to come to love it and make it something to look forward to each year. This is what’s helping me:

    1. Clothes

    This has been one of my main issues with summer. I did a giant closet cleanout leaving things very bare in that department, and specifically I had very few things that are good for hot weather. So lately I’ve been making an effort to find some items that work, and I’ve had some success! I found some cute loose drawstring shorts at Kohl’s and a maxi dress and swimsuit at Costco. I’ve actually been really surprised at the clothes at Costco and I’m probably going to buy myself something there on each trip. Such cute basics at amazing prices.

    2. Become a pool (and beach) mom

    I’m sure I’ve linked to this post before, but it was probably the thing that started changing my whole attitude about summer. The plan is to have our pool bag packed and ready so that we can head to the pool (which is only a block away) at a moment’s notice, even on weeknights. Especially on week nights, since that’s when the kids are the most cranky anyway. We have some neighborhood friends that are up for going a lot with us, too.

    We also live fairly close to the beach (maybe an hour or so away) and since David is big into saltwater fishing, he goes there a lot already. We are probably going to be making a trip at least every couple of weeks all summer long. I’ve always been hesitant to go because of the packing up, and the energy it takes, and the cleanup after. But it is always worth it, so I’m determined to tag along more often and invite friends! (Also hoping to get some color on my bright white skin!)

    3. Grilling

    We have had a grill for about eight years and we only just started using it a couple of weeks ago. Now that is sad. It’s a small charcoal grill, so not quite as simple as gas, but I think it makes things taste better. And after listening to the episode on Sorta Awesome about grilling, I’m even thinking about learning to use it myself.

    4. Summer Bible study

    At our new church (we have a new church! This is also exciting!) they do a women’s Bible study every summer. I thought it would be a good way to make friends, so I signed up even though I don’t know anyone who’s going. I have high hopes for it, and anticipate this being something I attend each summer.

    5. Reading!

    I’m really into reading right now. I mean, I’m pretty much always into reading, but lately it seems to be my only hobby. Since taking a break from blogging I haven’t been doing much else, but it’s been a good opportunity focus on family activities and self-care instead. Reading has filled in for my creative pursuits for the time being as my personal activity of choice. I’m excited that my book club chose two picks from the Modern Mrs. Darcy Summer Reading Guide for the next two months (Still Life by Louise Penny for June, and Before We Visit the Goddess by Chitra Divakaruni for July). I’ve got Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell coming to me for postal book club, I’m starting ANOTHER postal book club with a different group of friends, and I just picked back up on the Game of Thrones series with number four, A Feast For Crows, and I’m already so engrossed in that world again! So I’m pretty happy that this is something I can do at the pool, at the beach, and in any spare moment. :)

    I’d love to hear what you think about summer, especially if you’re a working parent! And if you’ve found anything in particular that makes you love it more, please share. I want to make this a good one!

  • an update

    I didn’t mean to leave you hanging for so long after my last post! But here I am to offer a bit of an explanation. This might be a bit long, so hang with me.

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    During the week that I posted last, Liam had been sick for two weeks and I was pretty stressed out financially about missing work. Not only that, but David was out of town all week so I was on my own. I was struggling emotionally anyway, and then suddenly I found out that our beloved church is closing. I’m not going to get into that here, but all of those things left me feeling incredibly unsettled.

    My first instinct was to do more. I started making plans to ramp up my blogging and was thinking about starting some sort of creative business. I was hyper focused on that for a couple of days. I was having a hard week, dissatisfied with my life as it was at that point, and I fell prey to envy. I spend a lot of time online and although I can usually avoid the trap of comparison, some ideas seem to have seeped inside me slowly to the point where I thought adding something else onto my life to have success in an area that was all my own was the only thing that would make me feel good about myself again.

    My thoughts were running in this direction when out of the blue they took a drastic turn in the opposite direction and I can only say that it was the Holy Spirit. Suddenly I realized that what I actually needed was to take a break from the Internet. Since having that thought, I’ve taken a big step back and have felt a lot of peace with that decision. What I mean by taking a step back is – while I am still checking email, posting occasionally to Instagram when I have a photo I want to save (for my Chatbooks), and every few days checking my Facebook groups app and notifications – I haven’t been doing anything with my blog, haven’t been scrolling social media, and haven’t been reading any blogs other than a few that I have delivered to my email inbox.

    I still love the Internet and the world of social media and blogging. I love that it can be a career for some people and I still have so many ideas that I may think about pursuing in the future. But right now I need to think small, and to focus on my family and my community. I need to free up the mental space that has previously been devoted to blogging and social media (because I was constantly thinking about it, even when not actively working on it). I need to find a new church, I want to figure out how to exercise again, I want to actually make progress on our home and continue celebrating small holidays with my kids. And I’ve actually found a more reliable way to bring in extra income that is perfect for my introvert soul.

    I envision that I will still write here when I feel like it and I have the time. I will continue posting to Instagram as well (although that has gotten less frequent since my phone’s forward-facing camera smashed). And I do hope to return to a more active Internet presence one day.

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    So since I don’t know when I will post next, here are a few random things to share:

    • I was happy to be a guest on the Sarah R. Bagley podcast recently! We talked about living a creative life as a working mom, and although it was recorded over a month ago, most of it is still very true today.
    • I completed my Lenten spending freeze and I did pretty well, with only a few minor kid-related infractions. I’m not jumping back into spending, but one of the first things I’ll probably buy is a swimsuit for myself. I’m determined to take the kids to the pool a ton this summer, inspired by this blog post.
    • Meredith started gymnastics, and she loves it. I’ve been so apprehensive about extracurriculars for the kids, but this is making me excited.
    • I have so many good books in my queue. I just finished reading a super interesting historical memoir (aka biography) on Galileo called Galileo’s Daughter, and now I’m blowing through a YA novel called I’ll Meet You There recommended to me by my dad of all people. Follow me on Goodreads from now on to keep up with my reading life. I’ll also try to continue posting reviews on Instagram.
    • Last week my car got hit from behind by an uninsured driver and needs a ton of work, so you can imagine the fun I’ve been having dealing with that.
    • Finally, but most importantly, Easter has meant a lot more to me this year going through this church turmoil and changes within myself. It also helped a lot that I was keeping up with the daily devotions of the Lent reading plan that I chose. It almost always takes something hard for me to actually make real, positive changes in my life, and I’m just trying to embrace that.

    Thanks for sticking with me! I hope to keep connected with all of you and I’d love to keep hearing from you. Email, Instagram, Voxer, text – I’m here. :)

  • welcome to my inner monologue

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    I recently saw this picture of a drawing of what’s on one mom’s mind and thought YES. So this morning as I got ready for work I literally recorded my thoughts on the voice app in my phone, and transcribed them for you. I could have kept going and going but I had to cut myself off somewhere. Welcome to the madness:

    Should I join a yoga studio? Do the kids watch too much TV? Should I have another baby? Should we get bunk beds for the kids? Should we get them from IKEA? When should we buy them? Should I wait until after my Lent spending freeze? Or wait until Meredith’s 5th birthday? How will I get them to sleep in their own beds all night? I’m definitely going to paint the living room white. Should I do that now and a little bit at a time? Or should I wait until after I finish decorating my room and the kids’ room? How do you paint wood paneling? I need to look that up.

    Should I blog today? How am I going to find time to write? Gosh I wish the kids would go to bed on their own so I could have time with David afterwards, or time to write, or whatever. Ooh, I really need to finish Bel Canto by this weekend. It’s so good. I picture the opera singer as Sharleen Joynt from The Bachelor. I wish I could watch The Bachelor with David again.

    If I’m going to have a baby, then this is a good year to do it. I’m already 34 and I wouldn’t be high risk yet. Should it be our last baby? Should we even have one? I have two siblings, David has two siblings. Three seems like a good number, but then there’s a middle child. It’s going to be a scheduled C-section. She could fix my scar.

    What are we going to have for dinner tonight? Oh yeah, we still have a lot of leftovers. Good. Hmm I’m almost out of my tinted moisturizer. Maybe I should have a Facebook Beautycounter party and get some more through that. I really need to trim my nails. I’m so glad we got the cats, the kids love them. Meredith is so cute with Ziggy. Even though the litter is really annoying. I really want a Litter Robot. But I also really want a new couch and chair for the living room. But I also really want to pay off our debt as fast as we can. If we have another baby that means more daycare costs. But Meredith IS going to kindergarten next year, so that will save us some. I wonder when kindergarten registration is? If I have another baby, what hospital would I deliver at?

    Ooh, yoga is today, can’t forget my clothes. Today is the last yoga class with my favorite teacher. I wonder if it would be worth the money to join a studio? Or maybe I should figure out a different way to exercise. I’ve got to get back in shape. How am I going to do that, plus work and read and craft and blog? I wish I could put more effort into that stuff. Maybe I should try the 21 day fix. I need to make a plan.

    I’ve GOT to get to work on time, I need all the hours I can get. Gosh mornings are hard, and they used to be my favorite. I wonder how busy work is going to be today? Are we going to be able to get an IV in that guy? He’s a really hard stick. Tomorrow I’m probably going to have to audit charts again. At least I hope they have work for me. I wish I could afford to work part-time. There’s so much creatively and at home that I want to do. What am I thinking, wanting to have another baby?

    It’s exhausting to be me. Can anyone relate??