Last night I stayed at my brother’s house, as I do every Wednesday night because of my early Thursday clinical in the medical center, and as I was lying in the dark, trying to get to sleep, a roach crawled up my arm. I flipped out. I tore the room apart trying to find it because there was no way I was getting back in the bed without having killed it first. When I couldn’t find it for awhile I started to despair of getting any sleep that night at all. But as I was standing in the hallway searching, my brother (who was sleeping on the couch) abruptly jumped up and started dazedly looking around. I knew what that was: the roach had left me and went and crawled on him! It was out to get us. This time, with my brother’s help, we tracked it down and killed it. We stood talking for a little while afterwards when another roach scurried across the floor. This one was quicker and harder to track down, but track it down we did. We destroyed it twice over: first with Raid and then with a shoe. I told my brother, “I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay over here anymore.” He laughed, but I was serious. Maybe I do have a phobia of roaches after all.
Blog
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A Phobia In The Making
My boyfriend loves to fish. It’s his favorite activity – one that is also therapeutic and calming for him. When we started dating and I found this out I only hesitated for a minute, because I really don’t like the smell, taste, or feel of fish. A few times when I was a camp counselor I had to take some fish off the hook for my campers, and it wasn’t pleasant. But I knew that fishing was an important part of Boyfriend David’s life, and I’m always up for new things, so I told him from the beginning that I wanted him to teach me. When he got a boat and started spending more and more time fishing with his dad, I knew for sure that this was an activity that I wanted to share with him.
The first time we went was at the lake by his aunt and uncle’s house where we fished for bass and catfish. This was fine with me because the bait we used was artificial lures and cut up raw chicken meat, which I could handle.
Yesterday we decided to drive down to the pier for the evening and fish for some trout and redfish. Saltwater fishing is what David really loves. It was a perfect day, and we were intent on enjoying ourselves. I was also intent on becoming a real fisherwoman. I knew that we were going to be using live shrimp as bait, and I wanted to face up to that fact. I didn’t want David to have to bait my hook forever. I had my mind set on doing it myself.
Now let me tell you what I think about shrimp really quick. First of all, I refuse to eat them because I don’t like the idea of putting an entire organism in my mouth. Secondly, they have those EYES. That just BULGE out of the side of their head. And those creepy crawly legs. And they’re TRANSLUCENT. I get the shivers just thinking about it.
I’ve never been the kind of girl to be really afraid of insects or snakes or anything like that. Granted, I don’t like roaches much, but I can get close enough to kill one which is something a lot of girls won’t do. I pride myself on being able to overcome fear and do what I put my mind to. And I was GOING to bait my own hook.
I let David show me how on the first one, and then it was a long time before I got a bite, but finally my turn came. I was scared, yet determined. I knew the shrimp couldn’t actually DO anything to me, so I stuck my hand in the water. But the second I felt those shrimp thrashing and their little legs against my fingers, my heart began to pound and I felt an overwhelming, irrational fear. Three times I thrust my hand in the bucket trying to grasp a shrimp, each time more desperate than the last. After the third attempt, feeling like I had been thoroughly beaten, I gave up and with my whole body shaking said to David, “I just can’t.” And then what did I do? I cried.
Not because of the shrimp per se, but because I felt so out of control and…silly to not be able to overcome a stupid little fear. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for me. For awhile I was kind of depressed and didn’t want to see another shrimp, but I knew that I really needed to try again. So right before we left and after about five minutes of coaxing from David, I crouched down, held tight to his leg, and put my hand back in the bucket. I somehow brought out this tiny, dead shrimplet–then immediately gave it to David. I know it’s not much, but it was a serious victory for me.
And I thought it was going to be the fish that were the problem.
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Money I’ve Spent In The Last Week:
Gas: $33.86
Food: $24.81
Parking: $14
New purse: $59
Indoor soccer league fee: $65
Heartworm pill: $14.16
Gym membership fee: $20.57
Haircut for my boyfriend: $15.95
Fishing license: $33
Dental visit (no, I don’t have dental insurance): $107
Car repairs: $184.92TOTAL: $572.27
Gah! Notice there are no bills on the list, and only one real splurge item. Good thing I’m a high roller makin’ the big bucks. Wait…I’m actually a full-time student with a $9/hr part-time job. Hm.
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I’m OK, You’re OK!
I apologize for my last post, which I admit was utterly depressing. I really have been going through something lately, and I think I can honestly say that last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. That post basically summarized how I felt up to that point.
But! I have wonderful people in my life who have been there for me, and I have received many words of encouragement and much support. I do believe that I am loved by a mighty God through whom all things are possible. I now have complete hope and confidence in my situation, and although it remains difficult, I know I can make it through to the other side. Not only that, but I know that the other side holds a better life for me and those involved in this ordeal.
So, let me talk about some random, completely unrelated things to distract me and to make this a happier place to be. First of all, I went to see the movie The Jane Austen Book Club with my roommates, and I loved it. I’ve only read two of Jane Austen’s books, and now I’d really like to read the rest. A long time ago my grandmother gave me the complete set, so I have them all. But that’s beside the point; the movie was really cute and funny, so if you like that kind of thing you should see it.
Secondly, I have now witnessed a C-section and a vaginal birth. Both were fascinating, but I have to say that when I have kids I really don’t want a C-section if I can help it. Also regarding school, I have the rest of this week off, which is quite nice, but then next week I have a test in both classes so I need to hit the books.
On Saturday I ran the Race For The Cure. I think I did pretty well, considering the pack of people I was hindered by. Not that I was trying to win any awards or anything, I was just hoping to have a decent personal time. Also on Saturday I went to see the David Crowder Band in concert. It was pretty good, but not one of the best concerts I’ve seen. The place was pretty big, and we weren’t very close. Also, I was extremely exhausted and I think I actually dozed off during one of the songs. Oops. However, the opening band, The Myriad, was really good, and the whole experience was worth it just to see the people around us dancing and getting into the music. Sometimes Christian rock concerts are just hilarious.
In conclusion, I hope everyone has a great week. I know mine will be better than the last. To quote Mandy Moore, “I’m looking forward to looking back on these days.”
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“Don’t Give Up; Moses Was Once A Basketcase Too”
You know that feeling when something so big and unexpected is going on in your life, and your whole world – what you thought it was, and your dreams and expectations for the future – is turned upside down, and nothing is the same or will be the same, yet everything is the same and you have to keep on living your life – going to work, doing school projects, singing at church (although you give up little things like trying to eat right – instead you hardly have an appetite one day, and the next you eat nothing but ice cream and greasy fried rice – and you forget about trying to keep your exercise schedule even though you know it would help you feel better) – but your heart and mind aren’t in any of it, and the thing that is distracting you is beyond your control, so you are powerless to do anything besides pray, which you do because you are desperate but part of you is skeptical that it’s actually doing anything, and you feel guilty for thinking such a thought, and the whole thing is just so hard to talk about, yet all you want to do is talk about it, but you have a strong suspicion that soon your friends are going to get tired of it, and they will stop calling to check up on you because they have normal lives and they assume you’ve adjusted to your situation, and they have nothing left to say to you anyway, and really you’re just so scared, you feel so small and isolated, and you think that life has let you down because it wasn’t supposed to be like this?
Yeah, me too.