Category: motherhood

  • drive: not really a movie review

    This past weekend my husband and I went on an Actual Date to the movies, just the two of us. When deciding what to see, we went strictly by the description on my Flixster app, since neither of us get out enough to have heard anything about the current movies out. We chose to see Drive, with Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan. It seemed like it’d be a fun action flick, had an 8.4 rating on imdb.com, and over 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. Sounds promising, right?

    The reason this isn’t really a movie review is because I don’t deny that it was very well made, and I’m sure many people will love it and even rave about it. (My brother, for instance, told me that he quite enjoyed it.) But it was NOT what we were expecting, and not something I’d ever like to see again. In fact, I wish I could un-see it. It was dark, depressing, eerie, and violent; the kind of violence that is personal and disturbing. There is a scene where one man shakes the hand of another man who had been his friend, and as he does so he slits his arm with a knife severing the artery. “That’s it, it’s over. There’s no pain,” he says to the dying man, as if it’s some kind of consolation. This murder was committed just because the man knew something incriminating.

    At this scene my stomach turned and I actually began to cry. There were several other similar scenes and it really got to me. My husband told me we could leave, but it was almost over so we stuck it out. It’s not that I can’t handle blood – I’m a nurse. And it’s not that I dislike dark or emotional movies. But I’ve always hated gratuitous violence, and now that I’m a mom it almost makes me sick. This movie did not leave us with any positive feelings or hope.

    Last week David and I attended the viewing of an 18-year-old girl, his boss’s granddaughter, who recently passed away from a brain tumor. That’s my baby, her father said to us. That night I dreamed that Meredith died, and I woke up sobbing uncontrollably. Even when I realized it was a dream, I couldn’t stop because I felt so much fear that something bad will happen to her and I don’t feel like I could survive that. I know it’s not possible or even ultimately best for her, but I want her life to be perfect. I’m hypersensitive to anything evil or bad in the world now, and I don’t need a movie to remind me of it.

    We should have just seen Dolphin Tale.

  • Notes From A Working Mother

    Well guys, I did it. I made it through a whole week of work! I have so many things to say I don’t even know where to start. I guess with the fact that I am not, as feared, now incompetent at my job. I’m pleased to report that I remember how to do everything, and not only that but I am more awesome at it than before. This is obviously due to the fact that I was grossly pregnant for about a million years and I am no longer thus, meaning I have TONS of energy that I’m not used to having, and also my hands are no longer numb, well, two fingertips are and probably always will be, but that doesn’t even count, and anyway I can start IV’s again!

    So work went really well, except for one day where I left forty minutes late (not acceptable), but I suspect (but don’t want to believe) that I was given an easier-than-normal assignment and that this will not last. Well, whatever, I won’t think about that.

    Yesterday at work everyone was supposed to wear pink for breast cancer awareness month, which is October. My manager even texted us all at 5:30 a.m. to remind us. And that’s fine and good and all, but my pink scrubs don’t currently fit. I tried them on and they were looking more like leggings. It’s pretty embarrassing when you outgrow scrubs, even fitted ones, I mean they have a DRAWSTRING. So I wore a pair of blue scrubs that do fit, and of course EVERYONE was wearing pink including the GUYS. That means that everyone was asking me, “Why didn’t you wear pink?” And I could have just said that I don’t own pink scrubs, except for the fact that I used to wear them all the time. So I had to spend the whole morning telling people about the baby weight I put on and haven’t lost yet. THAT was fun.

    ***

    Enough about work. Let’s talk baby! She spends Monday through Thursday in daycare, and Fridays my mom is off work and keeps her. She did awesome. My dad drives around for work and was able to stop by and visit her every day, sending me a picture each time. Witness:

    Monday: Dad feeds her a bottle (hence the drool)

    Tuesday: The fuzziest hair of all time

    Wednesday: Just chillin’ with Pops

    Thursday: All the single ladies, put your hands up

    And then there was Friday, when I made my mom text more than she ever has in her life to keep me updated. She sent me lots of pictures, but I couldn’t stop looking at this one:

    The cuteness is overwhelming. First of all, her smile. Anytime she smiles I melt, but this is a serious grin. The squinty eyes, the dimple, the double chin, ahhhh. Secondly, the huge Astros onesie. It’s a size 18 months which is all my mom had at her house, because apparently what I sent her in got dirty and Mom didn’t want to try to put her in the backup clothes I sent since they said “up to 11 pounds” and Meredith is over 12 (even though, for the record, they totally fit). Finally, she’s sitting in a Bumbo! We don’t have one, so this was the first time she got to try it out and I’m so proud of her for sitting in it so well.

    But back to daycare. I’m going to be honest and say that it feels very wrong to be dropping her off there all day. The first few times I didn’t know if I’d be able to continue to do it. BUT it has gotten easier. And the more I get to know the people there the more I like them. There are only three other babies there, and the director and assistant director are both very involved so I know she gets a lot of attention. One awesome thing is that they LOVE her cloth diapers! I thought I’d be lucky to find a place that accepted them, but it’s so much better that they are actually happy about it. And Meredith is happy there so far; my dad says that every time he comes by she’s smiling and content. So I know everything will be okay, despite my inability to not cry about it.

    ***

    One day this week I thought, “I should probably check the mail.” When I opened our box all that was inside was a key to the package compartment, and when I opened that it was full of our mail. I was so happy, because this answered a longstanding question I had about what they would do if the mailbox became too full. I was also happy because in the mail had arrived three issues of Martha Stewart Living, one of Elle Decor, and a Rearz fitted diaper that I won in a giveaway. This particular diaper requires a cover, which I do not have. So now of course I must buy one. I’m thinking of getting the Thirsties Duo Wrap, but anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

    ***

    I need to buy a dress for my brother’s wedding which is in TWO WEEKS. This is crazy because I never thought my brother would get married. But anyway, he is, and in two weeks, and I am the only bridesmaid other than the maid of honor, her sister. The bride has graciously allowed us to choose our own black dresses. I am looking for something with an empire waist (see: baby weight), in a silky material, and preferably with sleeves of some sort because her sister’s dress has sleeves and I want to kind of sort of match her.

    Maybe something like this faux wrap dress with cap sleeves:

     Or this, which I really like better, but it’s strapless:

     I don’t know. And now I’m realizing that I’ll need to buy shoes also. Well if I MUST.

    ***

    Oh! I forgot to mention another exciting thing. Up until this week my husband has been driving a truck and therefore we’ve only had one car with a car seat which makes things kind of difficult at times. We didn’t want to get a new car because we want to pay off our debt, but we were able to work out a deal with his dad and we ended up trading him our truck for his car. Now all we have to do is buy a car seat and then I’ll be able to drop Meredith off at daycare, take the bus to work, and then David can pick her up much earlier than I’d be able to. We want to get another convertible car seat, but since we have to buy this one ourselves, probably not another Britax like we have already. What are some good, economical choices?

    ***

    Cooking during the week now? Not going to happen for awhile, until I really get into a groove. I’ll be able to stock up on some weekends, but not this one. I’m too tired, have too many other things to do, and we have other things going on for dinner. I feel a little bit bad about that since it means I’ll have to take frozen meals to work for lunch next week, but I need a break from something. And that’s okay.

    ***

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have about a million loads of laundry to do.

  • So Far So Good

    20110926-134408.jpg

    Meredith just wanted to check in and say hi, and that she’s fat and happy at daycare thank you very much. Don’t mind the drool. She was very excited that grandpa (aka “Pops”) stopped by to visit her today. She likes it here, likes everyone, and knows that one day mom will stop crying every time she’s dropped off.

    ***

    Experimenting with posting from my phone with this one, so forgive any hitches. Seriously though, Meredith is doing great at daycare and I’m doing just fine at work. More details later, but so far, so good.

  • Back To Work

    Bags packed

     

    Breakfast ready to go

    Well, I knew it would come and it’s here: I’m going back to work in the morning. I will wake up at 5 a.m. and change Meredith and get dressed in my new scrubs and put on makeup and get my breakfast together and load our bags in the car and drive to the daycare and nurse Meredith and leave her with strangers and drive to the medical center and take care of patients all day. But right now, as I write this, it’s all still looming. And I’m nervous.

    I’m not worried about Meredith being at daycare, and I have a great job with lovely coworkers and bosses, so it’s not that I’m dreading it. But I’m so used to being with her all the time that I know I’m really going to miss her. And honestly, there are some skills that I’m afraid I’ll be rusty at, and I don’t want to feel incompetent at my job.

    There are other, smaller things that make me nervous too, of course. Hoping that Meredith will sleep well so that I have the energy to wake up that early and work all day. Making it there on time. Figuring out my pumping-at-work routine. Wondering if I’ll have sent enough milk and diapers with her. Not knowing if I’ll have enough time in the evenings to get everything done, or if I’ll ever see any of my friends again. Finding my balance.

    But there are also good things about returning to work! Like I’ll get my full salary again. I’ll have less time to SPEND money. I get to meet and help patients. I get to see my coworkers again and have adult time. We’ll figure out and get into a daily routine. Vacations and holidays will be fun to look forward to. I’m trying to focus on these things.

    I’ve spent a lot of time and effort preparing for this transition to make it as easy as possible on us. Here’s what I’ve done:

    >Organized key parts of our home. The nursery is completely done since we use it so much, and I’ve done a lot with the kitchen as well since it’s the main hub of activity in our lives.

    >Changed up our routines. To get to work on time I’ll have to wake up BY 5 a.m., so I want everything to be as easy and quick as possible in the morning. I started doing everything at night, including showering. I even downloaded an app called HomeRoutines to make sure I don’t forget anything.

    >Started meal planning. If I’m going to continue cooking, I have to really plan for it. I’m using the app MealBoard and every Saturday I write down what we’ll have that week and send my husband grocery shopping.

    >Have everything scheduled. Weekdays will be for work, evenings will be taking a walk, dinner, tidying up, bedtime routine, reading. Saturdays I’ll do a general clean and meal plan. Sunday is church, grocery shopping, and hopefully working on the blog.

    >Visited the daycare where Meredith will be staying during the day. Everyone was really nice…except the lady who works in the infant room. She wasn’t rude or mean, just didn’t smile or fawn over my baby. Then again, she WAS working and she seemed to be good with the other kids.

    >Packed Meredith’s bag with 8 cloth diapers, sensitive disposable wipes, two changes of clothes, and six labeled bottles of breastmilk.

    >Bought all new scrubs (I “outgrew” my others, grr)

    >Packed MY bag with pumping supplies, lunch, and purse

    >Have tried to spend a LOT of quality time just relaxing with Meredith.

    I have no idea what to expect as a working mother. I really hope to keep up with the blog by scheduling my posts on the weekends, but I’m also thinking that in order to keep updating that I’ll start posting shorter, more frequent updates, perhaps with a quick photo here and there, in between longer posts. I’ll have to see what works.

    I had a great maternity leave. I feel like I really got the hang of being a mom to an infant and really got to know Meredith. I relaxed a lot, did some work on the house, did fun things, worked on things I’d been meaning to. It was great, and I wish it didn’t have to end, but at least I’m pretty sure I took full advantage of it.

    Now everything changes, and I hope I can get this good feeling back.

  • meredith at two months

    She:

    >Weighs 12 pounds 5 ounces (83rd percentile), is 23 inches long, & is quite solid.

    >Cried for a solid five minutes after her 2-month vaccines and then promptly fell asleep

    >Can wear some of her 3-6 month clothes already

    >Gets mostly comments like, “Those cheeks!” or “Look at all that hair!”

    >Has started snorting when she’s crying or when she’s excited and it’s the cutest thing ever

    >Is babbling and “talking” more and more, but hasn’t really laughed yet

    >Chews and sucks on her hand a lot now, which I’m trying to encourage since she still won’t take a pacifier

    >Exclusively wears cloth diapers (mostly small Fuzzibunz)

    >Has a constant diaper rash even though we’ve now switched to cloth wipes as well (argh – I think it might be the PUL lining & we need to change her more?)

    >Will finally go to sleep by 10 p.m. if I start her bedtime routine at 7 p.m. and lay down with her (at least she’s done this three times, hoping it continues)

    >Sleeps for 12 hours not including nursing

    >Is starting to show interest in things dangling in front of her, and will follow us with her head and eyes

    >Hates getting dressed and cries pretty much every time

    >Smiles at me every morning like she’s so glad to see me again, making me melt

    I:

    >Go back to work in TWO DAYS OMG

    >Am trying SO hard not to be too anxious or emotional about the upcoming transition, but I still am

    >Have worked really hard on preparing the house, our home routines, and supplies for my return to work and Meredith’s start at daycare

    >Love it SO MUCH when David plays with her and sings to her

    >Am still a little bit obsessed with cloth diapers and spend way too much time researching them

    >Finally broke down and bought some fat pants (a pair of jeans and capris) that are two sizes up from my norm, so I’ll at least have something to wear until I lose weight

    >Really want to exercise but I don’t know how until Meredith is big enough for the jogging stroller (6 months)

    >Am attempting to recap and review this season of Dancing With the Stars

    >Think we’ve found a new church that I love so far

    >Can’t wait for cooler weather and family walks in the evening (I hope we can fit them in)

    >Absolutely love being Meredith’s mother and can’t imagine life without her