kapachino

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  • take two

    Let me tell you one thing that’s really on my mind these days.

    My husband David and I were finally able to have an IUI in early November. It was two years coming, a rough two years during which we experienced miscarriage, depression, major surgeries, and financial difficulty, but they were also two of the best years of my life because I spent them with David.

    Everyone who deals with infertility has a different experience. I feel extremely blessed that I am able to get pregnant at all, but our journey hasn’t been easy. Although we haven’t had to undergo countless procedures, we have been forced to wait what seems like a long time because of one obstacle or another.

    Two weeks after the procedure we couldn’t stand it any longer and took a home pregnancy test. It was positive. Then we took another one. Positive. I think I was kind of in shock. David was ecstatic, and he kept asking me, “Why aren’t you happy?” Of course I was, and am, happy, but the first thing I felt was scared. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and it’s still fresh on my mind. I really, really, don’t want that to happen again. For the first couple of weeks I noticed that I mostly tried not to think about it at all, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

    At the same time, I don’t want to live in fear. And I don’t think it will help the situation at all to be constantly worried. So my intention has been to remain positive, and to think about this pregnancy as being successful. It’s hard some days, but now? At nine weeks, after two successful ultrasounds showing one strong heartbeat?

    I’m excited.

  • Reverb10: Wisdom

    What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

    The wisest decision I made was kind of a group of decisions, but it all added up to me making changes and stepping back. As I’ve been over multiple times here, it was a rough year. A few months ago I became overwhelmed with responsibilities and stress, and as a result of everything we’d been through on top of everything weighing me down, I ended up quite depressed. This was no fun, and I knew some things needed to change.

    I changed jobs. Working on an inpatient unit of the hospital was a big source of stress. Although I loved the unit and my coworkers, I was worn down on the hectic pace and irregular schedule. After much deliberation, I transferred to the outpatient infusion clinic. It’s still challenging, but in a different, calmer sort of way.

    I said no. At the time, I was the main leader of our church’s youth group. I knew I needed to cut some things out, so I asked my husband and my brother-in-law if they would take a larger role in this, and they did. They’ve been amazing, and now I am finally at a point where I can start being more involved again. Also, as my husband healed from his surgeries he was able to help out around the house more and I basically just allowed him to take care of me for awhile. I decided that chores could wait, and I tried to spend more time resting and relaxing.

    I saw a nutritionist. Depression really affected me physically, and I was struggling with what to eat because my stomach seemed to hurt all the time. I had also recently stopped eating meat, so I knew I needed some advice. She was a huge help and after following some of her suggestions I immediately felt better. I believe I’m now also a healthier person overall.

    I saw a therapist. I wasn’t afraid of asking for help, and seeing a counselor for a short period of time enabled me to break through some barriers and learn better coping skills. It was a stress reliever just to pour everything out to someone who understood, as well. It was good for my soul.

    After a couple of months, I began to feel like myself again. It happened slowly, but I got there. I know these things are cyclical and I understand that I might very well encounter depression again at some point in my life. But at least then, I’ll know how to handle it.

  • Reverb10: Happening Slowly and Sporadically

    So, obviously I’m not doing too well with #reverb10. I’m realizing that there’s a reason I don’t post every day. Although I love my new job, I am NOT used to working five days a week with an almost two-hour commute each way. Y’all, I am so tired all the time. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to do more in the evenings besides feed myself and collapse, but that day has not yet arrived.

    There is a lot happening in my mind lately, but I lack sufficient energy to write it down. I’ve been thinking about the prompts every day, and I do intend to write about some of them when I get the chance. Maybe this weekend? Who knows.

    What I do know is that in the morning I get to sleep until I wake up. And I see no reason why I shouldn’t start that process now. So, good night.

  • Reverb10: Wonder, Let Go, Make

    How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

    All it takes for me to feel a sense of wonder is to go outside. I think the world is beautiful and amazing and awe-inspiring.

    What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

    This year I let go of my first baby. It was only a few weeks old but it was loved and wanted and grieved for.

    What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

    I joined a club with my mom and some of her friends, and we meet once a month to make different kinds of cards. The last thing I made was a Christmas card using mostly paper. I’m very happy that I have found a way to incorporate this craft into my life.

    The thing I most want to make right now is my house into a home. We have been here two years and we only have a few furnished rooms. There is a lot of work to be done on an extremely tight budget, but I want to focus on it next year so that I will feel happier when I walk inside.

  • Reverb10: Moment

    Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

    It was a couple of months ago, during the depths of my depressive episode. I was passing through days fighting off tears at every turn and just trying to make it through. I knew the kinds of things I needed to be doing to help myself, so I tried to do them.

    They say exercise helps with depression, if you can even get yourself to do it. So I did, at least for awhile. I went running around the neighborhood. I pulled on my shorts, tank top, socks, shoes, and a visor. It was middle afternoon and the sun was still bright. I usually listen to music when I run, but my headphones had recently broken so I just carried my phone with me in one hand, my pepper spray in the other. Symmetry.

    I took my usual route. Around the corner, cross the street at the weird house that doesn’t have a sidewalk, turn left past the park, right at the main street, around the block and back again, doing my best to stay in what shade there was. I walked when I felt like it, because it was hot and I didn’t feel great and I wasn’t trying to make myself miserable here. I was just trying to do something.

    I was walking when I approached our driveway, looking at the ground but not at anything in particular. I was tired, and sweaty, and probably flushed because my face always turns bright red when I run. Then my eyes came across an acorn that had fallen. There were plenty around, but most of them were crushed or broken. This one was whole, complete, the very picture of a perfect acorn. And it struck me that I didn’t even realize that we had a tree that produced acorns, and that I hadn’t really seen one in who knows how long. It was beautiful to me, somehow.

    I picked it up. I brought it inside, and I showed my husband. “Look at this acorn,” I said. “Look how perfect it is. Have you ever seen such a perfect acorn?” And I thought, this acorn makes me happy. And then, I will be happy again.