kapachino

Tag: Humor

  • The Secret To A Successful Marriage

    I was checking on one of my patients, a sweet eighty-year-old lady, and was about to leave the room when she caught my hand.

    Her: Are you married? Let me see your ring. (Looks at ring.) Ooh, that’s so pretty! How long have you been married?

    Me: About a year and a half.

    Her: Aww, I bet he’s a good one.

    Me: Yep. I love him.

    Her: I think that’s so great. I’ve been married for sixty years now, and I still love mine. Of course when you get older it’s different. It was really hard when we found out that I had cancer, but you have to go somehow! My husband and I dealt with it and then he told me we’d just be together till the end. I told him we’d better be! He’d look like a dog if he divorced me now. And then he said he guessed it would make his widower possibilities pretty bleak.

    Me: I’m glad you can keep a sense of humor about it!

    Her: Well, you have to.

  • How To Start Your Wife’s Day Off Right

    This morning when I woke up (yes, at 4:30 a.m. as usual) I immediately headed for the bathroom per my routine, and the first thing I saw on the counter was a note for me from my husband on top of Mariah Carey’s first CD. David had just shared with me the other day that this was one of the first three CD’s he bought as a teenager, a fact that I proceeded to tease him about. (The other two were Metallica and Boyz II Men…ha.) The note talked about how he wanted to share it with me since I never really listened to Mariah Carey, and some other really great mushy stuff that I just LOVED, but will be keeping to myself. :)

    Then when I went to wake him up to say goodbye, per my routine, instead of turning over and telling me he loves me or reaching out to give me a hug, he looked me straight in the eyes as if he was totally awake and said:

    “If you put me back to sleep right now there’s a really good chance that I’ll be able to pop popcorn in my mouth.”

    Of course, I burst into subdued laughter. Sleep talk is hilarious. I asked him, “Do you know why you just said that, love?”

    “Yes. Because I turn into a fried chicken. On the outside.”

    Someone must have gone to sleep without dinner.

  • first-time guest

    So I am on my church’s “communication team,” and my job as part of this team is to write a monthly newsletter. Our team then meets once a month to mail it out. During this time we also go through the information forms that the congregation fills out and puts in the offering plate each week to update the mailing list.

    We met last night, and as I was stuffing envelopes our team leader, a woman about the age of my parents, was asking the rest of us questions about the information forms.

    “Who is Maggie McDonald?”

    “Oh, that’s my brother’s girlfriend.”

    “It says here she’s a regular attender, is she on the mailing list?”

    And so it went. Until she got to this card, which she began reading out loud:

    eddiecashmoney

    In case you can’t read the blurry writing, because I am horrible at taking pictures with my iPhone, it says:

    Name(s): Eddie “Cash” Money
    Email: igetmoney@gmail.com
    Address: 100 C Note Ln., Las Vegas
    Best Contact Phone: 1-800-Hustler
    Occupation(s): Hu$tla

    As soon as she read the name, I immediately knew that it had to be written by one of my brothers. Unfortunately, it could easily have been either one of them. When I saw the handwriting my suspicions were confirmed, and a text message sealed the deal. It was Barry, the youngest, although he’s 23 now which should count as an adult.

    Mature, right? Although it did get me to laugh, so what that says about me I’m not sure.

  • Does This Mean I Need Another Vacation?

    Last night when I went to sleep at 8 p.m. David lay down in bed with me and took a nap. It was a nap because he could never ACTUALLY go to bed that early. Anyway, he decided to get up a couple of hours later, once I was already asleep. Apparently his movement stirred me halfway out of my dream, because I started talking to him. He thought I was completely awake.

    I wasn’t just babbling random words though, or so he tells me. I started clearly demanding that he give me all his prescriptions and medical records so that we could get him admitted to the hospital. Since I’m a nurse and he had been sleeping, he seriously thought that something was wrong with him. I was so insistent that he started to get really worried. 

    At this point I vaguely remember that I was trying extremely hard to convey something to him that seemed so obvious to me, and I didn’t know why he didn’t get it. Eventually he asked me if I was partly dreaming and I responded, “I thought you knew I was!” 

    When David reminded me this morning about what happened, I had no recollection of the events. He finished the story by telling me that I should try dreaming more about him than the hospital. My coworkers think this means that I need a vacation, and I tend to agree.

  • A Classy Wedding

    After my mom and I got home from a meeting with the wedding planner from House Plantation yesterday, we told my dad that we’ve decided to use their caterer. My dad immediately said, “I would like some input on the menu!”

    “Dad, I already know that you want fajitas.”

    “Well, fajitas would be nice, but I’m holding off judgment until I see what they have to offer. If there’s pizza, I’d go for pizza.”

    He was completely serious.

    (Hi, Dad! I love you!)