Today I feel privileged to bring you a post from one of my all-time favorite writers and bloggers, S. When I decided to invite guest posters, she was at the top of my list. A 26-year-old in the midst of a divorce, she writes about her journey to find a life she’s in love with on her blog. Show her some love and leave a comment! And go visit her, I promise you’ll be hooked.

***

Cast of Characters (in order of appearance):

IRS: A government force that S tries desperately to reckon with.

S: A good liberal and newly single (albeit not yet legally) working girl who happens to be quite poor, though these two facts are probably unrelated.

Sister: Sister of S, an accountant and a conservative.

STBEH: Soon To Be Ex-Husband of S, a naturally benevolent man who has (understandable) issues with S.

NYEG: New Year’s Eve Guy, boyfriend of S but who may harbor the slight fear that S is a total basketcase, since he’s only known her since, well, New Year’s Eve, and also since it’s very probable that S is, in fact, a total basketcase.

Audience: You.

Company: Not really all that different from the IRS, except not a government operation, which translates to: GREEDIER.

Facebook: An often ill-advised forum for S’s generation.

Coworkers: A sympathetic ear for S who will stab her in the back if need be.

Bosses: Masters of S’s fate, tools of Company.

***

Act 1, Scene 1
IRS: THAT’LL BE $452.
S: How can that be? I make so little money as it is.
IRS: DO NOT QUESTION OUR WAYS OR YOU WILL PAY. MORE.

Act 1, Scene 2
S: Sister, how can this be?
Sister: It’s Obama’s fault. But double check.

Act 1, Scene 3
S: IRS, are you sure this is true?
IRS: WAIT, DID WE SAY $452? WE MEANT $1,333.
S: (Dies.)

Act 1, Scene 4
S: (From heaven.) Sister, how can this be?
Sister: It’s STBEH’s fault. But double check.

Act 1, Scene 5
S: STBEH, are you sure this is true?
STBEH: Yes.
S: You screwed me.
STBEH: You screwed me first.
S: Fair enough.

Act 1, Scene 6
IRS: Betcha wish you’d gotten that divorce taken care of earlier, eh? Whomp-waaaah.

Act 1, Scene 7:
S: So, that was my day.
NYEG: Yeah, you should probably get that divorce taken care of. But everything will be okay because I am wonderful and caring and level-headed and gentle and because I seem to like you for reasons that are completely inexplicable, but are still true.
S: (Comes back to life.)

***

Act 2, Scene 1
(The next day.)
S: Wait, I make more money than my W2 says my reported earnings are.
Audience: (Uproarious laughter.)

***

Act 3, Scene 1
(Same day, except it feels much later, as time is now moving at a paradoxically simultaneous warp speed and unbelievable sluggishness.)
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 2
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE AND I DON’T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL SKILLS TO MANAGE THIS BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY PARENTS WHO WERE RAISED BY CHILDREN OF THE DEPRESSION SO I’LL DO WHAT THE REST OF MY GENERATION DOES, WHICH IS WHINE ON FACEBOOK.
Facebok: Word.

Act 3, Scene 3
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 4
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE SO I’LL TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND WHINE INAPPROPRIATELY TO COWORKERS BECAUSE I’M INCREASINGLY MORE DESPERATE WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES AND ALSO MY FACE IS STILL SWOLLEN FROM CRYING FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT YESTERDAY.
Coworkers: This same thing happened to that dude who just quit. So good luck with that. Also, you might want to do something about your face sitch.

Act 3, Scene 5
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: (Crickets.)

Act 3, Scene 6
S: SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEEE SO I’LL WHINE TO MY BOSSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING AS A COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR BECAUSE NOW I AM INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW AND AM ALSO ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.  AGAIN.
Bosses: You need to ask a different person. Also, this was inappropriate.

Act 3, Scene 7
S: Company, why does my W2 say I earned $3,000 less than I should’ve? Did I never receive that raise I was promised in the summer of 2008?
Company: Because your health insurance was deducted from your paycheck on a pre-tax basis, which amounts to $3,000.
S: Oh.

***

Act 4, Scene 1
IRS: PAY. NOW.
Company: You are a moron.
STBEH: I still hate you but I will take care of this problem because you are so poor and also because I really didn’t mean to screw you over and therefore hope to remind you that I am a naturally benevolent person whom you rejected, which will probably adversely affect your life forever.
NYEG: I still inexplicably like you. I think.
S: (Notices ringworm developing on inside of her left forearm.) Life is so fun lately! I am an asshole!

THE END.