Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.
It was a couple of months ago, during the depths of my depressive episode. I was passing through days fighting off tears at every turn and just trying to make it through. I knew the kinds of things I needed to be doing to help myself, so I tried to do them.
They say exercise helps with depression, if you can even get yourself to do it. So I did, at least for awhile. I went running around the neighborhood. I pulled on my shorts, tank top, socks, shoes, and a visor. It was middle afternoon and the sun was still bright. I usually listen to music when I run, but my headphones had recently broken so I just carried my phone with me in one hand, my pepper spray in the other. Symmetry.
I took my usual route. Around the corner, cross the street at the weird house that doesn’t have a sidewalk, turn left past the park, right at the main street, around the block and back again, doing my best to stay in what shade there was. I walked when I felt like it, because it was hot and I didn’t feel great and I wasn’t trying to make myself miserable here. I was just trying to do something.
I was walking when I approached our driveway, looking at the ground but not at anything in particular. I was tired, and sweaty, and probably flushed because my face always turns bright red when I run. Then my eyes came across an acorn that had fallen. There were plenty around, but most of them were crushed or broken. This one was whole, complete, the very picture of a perfect acorn. And it struck me that I didn’t even realize that we had a tree that produced acorns, and that I hadn’t really seen one in who knows how long. It was beautiful to me, somehow.
I picked it up. I brought it inside, and I showed my husband. “Look at this acorn,” I said. “Look how perfect it is. Have you ever seen such a perfect acorn?” And I thought, this acorn makes me happy. And then, I will be happy again.
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