Remember how I used to blog? Those were good days. I used to have hobbies. And energy. I wrote posts like this one and felt like I had it all together. I made goals and achieved them.
Well all of that has gone away for the moment. The month of June has been one big blur because on May 31 we found out that I’m pregnant. And now I don’t even know where to start explaining all of the thoughts and feelings I have about it. Even saying anything about it at all makes me feel guilty because I know it’s such a sensitive subject for some people, having recently been one of them myself. But I just feel the need to be open and honest because I can’t really write about anything else at the moment.
So when I took the test on a whim, completely not expecting anything from it and yet it was so clearly, immediately positive, all I felt was shock. We had been sort of trying, but I’m still breastfeeding and it took us two years to get pregnant with Meredith so I had done a lot of mental preparation revolving around the long length of time it might take us. I was fine with it. We were in a groove as a family.
Then it was anxiety. For about a week I didn’t have any symptoms. I didn’t want to start feeling hopeful if it wasn’t true. Even when soon enough I began to feel bad it was hard for me to accept that things were going smoothly because of my history of infertility and miscarriage. Even now, after an ultrasound showing one healthy looking baby with a strong heartbeat and no worrisome symptoms, I am in constant anxiety because I am only nine and a half weeks along. The day after I saw the doctor I started to feel better physically and so of course all I can think of now is that maybe the baby stopped growing right after we saw it. It’s so hard to trust.
I guess I don’t want to go too much further without saying that I am excited and happy. I want more kids so badly. I love babies. I want Meredith to grow up with siblings. So this is a very good thing.
It’s also completely overwhelming, thinking about the adjustment we are all going to have to make, and wondering how we’ll pay for two kids in daycare, and how David and I will be able to stay connected just him & I. The past month has been so hard. I have been feeling so bad – just constantly sick to my stomach and terminally fatigued – and I couldn’t even drink coffee! – yet I’ve had to keep up my responsibilities at work while pretending nothing is different and then care for Meredith who is more needy for me than ever these days. The chores barely get done and forget about cooking or any kind of hobby or extra activity. Thank God for David’s help or Meredith and I probably wouldn’t have left the house or bathed or eaten for weeks.
The good news is that I think I’m over the worst of the sickness, and I hope it’s not a bad sign. The fatigue is still a problem but it too is better. And I can eat more things now, and I don’t feel constantly nauseated anymore. David took Meredith out of the house for a couple of hours on Saturday and I managed to do all the chores, catch up on Bible study, order some pictures to attempt to get back on track with Project Life, and write most of this post. The rest of the day was spent figuring out how to expend as little energy as possible, but still.
Anyway, that’s what’s been going on around here. A smattering of other happenings:
>David’s grandmother was diagnosed with two different kinds of advanced cancer that are untreatable at her age (late 80’s). His grandfather has dementia so it’s going to be a very rough time coming up.
>I read a lot of books (pretty much the only leisure activity I could still manage to do). Most notably Game of Thrones which I am now totally addicted to. Need the second book quick.
>Made it to a movie in the theater and realized how much I miss it. Wish I had time for things like that.
>Enjoying the virtual Bible study of The 7 Experiment by Jen Hatmaker that I’m running, although I’m just barely keeping up.
>Meredith has grown into an adorably chubby toddler. She has her moments of crankiness that are far too frequent for my liking, but for the most part she’s just the best. Gratuitous photo:
Ah, summer. 100+ degree days. The days that we dream about moving our entire families north. So you see really the extent of things around here has been surviving. I am going to try to update more often but it’ll be random until I get my energy back. All current projects are put on hold and will hopefully resume in the near future. :)
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