kapachino

Category: personal

  • Reverb10: Wonder, Let Go, Make

    How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

    All it takes for me to feel a sense of wonder is to go outside. I think the world is beautiful and amazing and awe-inspiring.

    What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

    This year I let go of my first baby. It was only a few weeks old but it was loved and wanted and grieved for.

    What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

    I joined a club with my mom and some of her friends, and we meet once a month to make different kinds of cards. The last thing I made was a Christmas card using mostly paper. I’m very happy that I have found a way to incorporate this craft into my life.

    The thing I most want to make right now is my house into a home. We have been here two years and we only have a few furnished rooms. There is a lot of work to be done on an extremely tight budget, but I want to focus on it next year so that I will feel happier when I walk inside.

  • Reverb10: Moment

    Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

    It was a couple of months ago, during the depths of my depressive episode. I was passing through days fighting off tears at every turn and just trying to make it through. I knew the kinds of things I needed to be doing to help myself, so I tried to do them.

    They say exercise helps with depression, if you can even get yourself to do it. So I did, at least for awhile. I went running around the neighborhood. I pulled on my shorts, tank top, socks, shoes, and a visor. It was middle afternoon and the sun was still bright. I usually listen to music when I run, but my headphones had recently broken so I just carried my phone with me in one hand, my pepper spray in the other. Symmetry.

    I took my usual route. Around the corner, cross the street at the weird house that doesn’t have a sidewalk, turn left past the park, right at the main street, around the block and back again, doing my best to stay in what shade there was. I walked when I felt like it, because it was hot and I didn’t feel great and I wasn’t trying to make myself miserable here. I was just trying to do something.

    I was walking when I approached our driveway, looking at the ground but not at anything in particular. I was tired, and sweaty, and probably flushed because my face always turns bright red when I run. Then my eyes came across an acorn that had fallen. There were plenty around, but most of them were crushed or broken. This one was whole, complete, the very picture of a perfect acorn. And it struck me that I didn’t even realize that we had a tree that produced acorns, and that I hadn’t really seen one in who knows how long. It was beautiful to me, somehow.

    I picked it up. I brought it inside, and I showed my husband. “Look at this acorn,” I said. “Look how perfect it is. Have you ever seen such a perfect acorn?” And I thought, this acorn makes me happy. And then, I will be happy again.

  • One Word: Suffering

    Starting today, for the month of December, I’ll be participating in Reverb10, which is, according to their website, an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. One reason I’m doing this is because I’ve neglected to write lately, partially due to the fact that I’ve been studying for a huge test for the past month, and I think this’ll be a perfect kick start.

    But let’s be honest, it’s also because 2010 has been a hell of a year. I need to process it somehow.

    Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word.

    Suffering. I wish it weren’t the case, but this has been a year characterized by grief, pain, and distress. We have both suffered physically – me with a miscarriage and David with debilitating bone pain that ended in two major surgeries, which in turn caused financial suffering. And we have suffered emotionally and psychologically – we endured our second year of infertility and faced role changes in our marriage, and we have both dealt with significant anxiety and depression. Me more than at any other time in my life.

    I know my dad hates it when I write negative things (sorry Dad), and I know it’s because he loves me and wants me to be happy. But I’m just writing this because it’s true. Everyone goes through seasons of suffering in their lives, and we just happened to have a lot of it this year. Thankfully, I can write this with hope because it seems like things are finally falling into place for us.

    Now, imagine it’s one year from today. What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

    Happiness. I don’t care if it’s trite; I’m ready for some pure joy. I’ve had The Happiness Project sitting on my shelf for months, and I plan to read through it next year month by month. I’m just settling into a job that I love and hardly ever stresses me out. I have a good feeling that next year will be the year that we start our own family. I’m ready to be connected to God again, and to relearn that all our suffering was for a reason.

    So, Dad, I hope this post doesn’t upset you. Because I’m already happy again, and this is just the beginning.

  • Today’s Success

    I don’t know why, but I woke up this morning feeling very emotionally precarious. I felt like I could cry at any moment, even though absolutely nothing bad had happened.

    I’ve been having difficulty at work starting IV’s. I hardly ever got to practice this skill while I worked in the hospital, and now I have to do it several times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. I might be successful 50% of the time, but I don’t think it’s that much. It’s very embarrassing to keep having to ask for help with this.

    On my way to work this morning I prayed that I wouldn’t have to start any. It’s almost Thanksgiving, I didn’t feel well, and I just wanted an easy day. Instead,  I had to start two IV’s – but I got them both on the first try. I think that’s better, overall, don’t you?

    That and chocolate have improved my outlook greatly.

  • Hibernating

    With colder weather here and earlier sunsets I’ve gone into a kind of hibernation. I love my job, and it’s not that stressful, but with the commute I still have to leave the house at 6 a.m. and I don’t get back until 6 p.m. By that time it’s dark and I’m worn out and I’m in bed by 8. I’m still getting used to this whole work-five-days-a-week thing.

    So you see that even though I have wanted to devote more time to writing here, I haven’t had much time for it. Instead I’ve opted to spend what little time I’m awake in the evenings with David, watching movies or doing puzzles.

    But there’s an entire weekend coming up (what a concept!) and I’m going to try to put a little energy into planning posts so I can be more of a presence here. In the meantime you can find me curled up on the couch, shamelessly wearing my Snuggie.