I never intended to write publicly about my quest to have a child. I thought it would be easy to get pregnant, but it wasn’t, and it isn’t. When I finally took the scary step to see a doctor, I thought the hard part was over; she’d give me some medication and life would be good. I did get pregnant–without the medication even!–but it ended in loss, putting me back at the beginning. No, before the beginning. I now find myself in an extremely long and complicated process, and I haven’t even started fertility treatment yet.

Bear with me as I share a little bit about this whole thing.

After I miscarried, part of me wanted to start trying again right away. It took me weeks to internalize the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. But at the same time, I knew I had to let my body recover. I went through a lot that month, so I tried my best to rest and relax. During that time I went through more psychological states than I have ever experienced in my life. I went from seriously considering seeing a psychiatrist to complete elation and everything in between. For someone who stays relatively calm and even for 90% of my life, this was a difficult turn of events. Stupid hormones.

Lately I’ve been feeling much more like myself in all areas of life. My moods have regulated, I started working out again (which means I feel strong), I am generally enjoying life, and I’m hoping & planning for the future. I still feel sorry for myself probably too often, certain things are still quite hard for me, and my heart does ache. The farther out I get from my miscarriage, however, the better perspective I have. I never would have been able to see the silver lining before, but now I am realizing how ignorant I was of my own body, health, and pregnancy. Instead of viewing this as something taken away from me, I’m trying to see it as a gift of time.

Infertility issues don’t get solved overnight, I’ve come to see. I had to wait two months for a new cycle to begin just so I could have some blood tests done, only to find that as of now the lab has no record of them. In the meantime, my husband is dealing with his own health issues that are kind of putting any treatment on hold for awhile. I’m being forced into patience, so I might as well make the best of it.

I look forward to eventually getting (and staying) pregnant again, but there are some things I would like to do first. For starters, I want to get truly healthy. To that end, I’m having my wisdom teeth removed (something I’ve been putting off for close to ten years), finding and getting a physical from a primary care doctor, and seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist. I’m starting up my exercise routine and working on a better diet.

I also want to make our house a home. Our house looked great when we bought it, but it wasn’t our style. There is a lot of work to be done to make it into a place where we can walk through every room and sigh with happiness. We need to paint, buy furniture for, and decorate every room except the living room and kitchen.

Although there are so many other aspects of my life that are a work in progress, those are the two that, in an ideal world, I want to happen before I have a child. Of course, if I got pregnant tomorrow I wouldn’t complain. :)