kapachino

Category: motherhood

  • doing my best

    I went to the therapist today, by myself. Usually David and I go together. He saw the therapist on his own before we got married and then we started going together. Our visits are billed to his insurance because my mine is extremely restrictive and almost everything is out of network.

    So today, since I was by myself, she billed my visit with a special code called “family without patient,” even though I’ve become the patient. Funny.

    I didn’t make a follow-up appointment, at least not yet. I don’t know what else to say to her right now. I know what my problem is. We’ve had an extremely difficult year, David and I, with too much going on. So I’ve been dealing with those things.

    Some of them are resolving on their own. For example, David is up and around and again, so I no longer have to do all the housework and errands and dog-caring myself. And with him working a lot of the anxiety I had over finances has dissipated.

    Some things I had to change to make myself happy. The biggest thing I did was interview for and accept a new job. Starting November 8th I’ll be transferring to my hospital’s outpatient cancer center, where I’ll be giving chemotherapy, blood transfusions, and the like. This is the sort of job that I get to graduate to since I put in my dues with inpatient. I’ll get every weekend and every holiday off, and hopefully my days will be less hectic and will involve less death and dying.

    (I do want to mention, though, that I have loved the unit that I work on, am grateful for all the experience it gave me, and will miss a lot of people there. But it’s just crazy.)

    I’ve also learned to change a lot of behavior, or at least I’m working on it. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cut myself some slack when it comes to the house being perfectly clean or with exercising every free day I get. And although I’m trying hard to follow my nutritionist’s advice and eat gluten- and dairy-free, I decided that there’s some things I’m just not willing to give up. I’ll just do my best.

    The one thing that I still deal with every single day is infertility. It blows my mind that if I hadn’t have miscarried I’d be a mother now. But I’m not, and I don’t know when I will be. These days, when I experience moments of overwhelming sadness it’s usually related to this.

    But at least it’s an improvement over being sad all the time for no discernible reason at all.

  • we’re just a couple of geriatrics

    With the amount of time David and I spend at the doctor these days, we feel like we’re 80 years old. We’re grateful that our medical issues are temporary and not nearly as serious as they could be, though. So without further delay, here’s a recap of our respective doctor’s appointments this morning. I apologize in advance for the boredom I may be inducing.

    (Wow, now I really do feel old. Do I have nothing better to write about than this? Ah, well.)

    Reproductive Endocrinologist

    First up I went to follow up regarding my most recent cycle. As my doctor said, “the plot thickens” and I’m left a lot more to think about than when I went in.

    Regarding what happened with my failed cycle, apparently my body didn’t respond to Clomid and I didn’t end up ovulating at all. My uterine lining didn’t even thicken. She was really surprised, but it happens. But before we can move on to the next cycle, we have to deal with something that was seen on my ultrasound which is possibly a uterine septum. I had never heard of this before, but it is a birth defect where there is a piece of tissue separating the uterus and puts you at a very high risk of miscarriage. It’s not diagnosed by an ultrasound but by an HSG, which is a test where they inject dye through my cervix and take an x-ray. I’ve already had an HSG, and nothing was mentioned about uterine septum on the report. So my doctor wants to take a look at the films herself, and if there is any suspicion at all she’ll have me repeat the procedure. If I do have uterine septum I’ll undergo minor surgery to have it fixed and that will be that.

    In the meantime she put me on a medication called Glucophage which is normally an antidiabetic drug but will also help sensitize my body to Clomid. If I don’t have uterine septum, once I work up to the full dose of Glucophage I’ll take another med (prometrium) to induce my period and then start on the highest dose of Clomid they prescribe. Then we’ll go from there just like the last time.

    Oh, and apparently one of my labs (prolactin) came back slightly elevated, which she thinks might be an error so she wants it repeated at the beginning of my next cycle. I have no idea what happens if it comes back abnormal again.

    Wasn’t that fun to read about? Now, moving on to David’s situation (post hip replacement).

    Orthopedic Surgeon

    The good news is that David has been cleared to walk and drive! I know he’s happy to be mobile again, and I’m happy to have my errand boy back. ;) But for a month he’s had to put all his weight on his left leg, and the disease is in that hip as well. For the past week it’s been hurting him more and more, so we decided to go ahead and get that one replaced as soon as possible.

    His surgery is scheduled for September 2. Two weeks away.

    I can’t wait until it’s over with, and even though his doctor told us he’d most likely have a pretty rough recovery we both know that he needs to just do it because his pain is only going to get worse. He’s off work this whole time – unpaid – and he needs to get back and get 100%.

    What we’re praying for is another successful surgery, easy recovery, and for financial provision. Our budget is already on lockdown because we weren’t prepared to be living off one salary, and I don’t know how long we can last without going into significant debt (we already have some). It’s another area that we’re learning to sacrifice and trust.

    ***

    If you made it through this whole boring post, it probably means you actually care about what’s going on with us, and for that I am truly, deeply grateful! All of your comments, emails, texts, and phone calls have lifted me up and kept me going. Over the past few days I’ve found a lot of peace and comfort, and I am content with my life and whatever it has in store for me.

    Every day is a new, grand adventure. :)

  • a new attitude (hopefully)

    Last Tuesday an ultrasound showed that I had two lovely little follicles growing, they just weren’t big enough to do anything with yet. So I went back Friday, fully expecting them to have grown, only to be told that they were gone. The nurse didn’t know why, so I’m going to see my doctor on Wednesday to see what she thinks and to make a new plan for my next cycle.

    I was crushed, but I didn’t have time to process it properly because I had to go straight to work. I worked until past 11 p.m. that night, and had to be back at 7 a.m. on Saturday. When I came home on Friday I went straight to bed hoping for at least a few hours of sleep, but instead I tossed and turned, and inevitably I started to cry. I prayed and wept and soaked in my disappointment until sometime in the early hours of the morning I fell asleep.

    Come Saturday morning I was back at work, exhausted but alive. That day I found solace in my job, taking care of people in much worse situations that I’m in. I began to see the need for a different attitude, because this infertility isn’t just going to go away and I fully realize that it could be a struggle that we deal with for years and years. I can’t bear the thought of feeling the way I feel for that long.

    When I finally had some time on Sunday I was searching around online for a Bible study geared toward infertile couples, and I came upon this blog post titled “What does the Bible teach us about infertility?” It hit me hard, and here are some quotes that stood out to me:

    Be committed to fervent prayer concerning issues with infertility. It is God, not human technology that opens the womb.

    I don’t know why, but I haven’t really been praying for this. I freely ask others to pray for me, and depend on those prayers, but when it comes down to it why don’t I have faith that God can do this for me?

    While struggling with infertility, pride and jealousy are especially bothersome sins. I am not more worthy of conceiving than a teenager, welfare mom, or a mom that already has a lot of children. In God’s economy, our worth is identical.

    I have spent way too much time lately feeling sorry for myself and being envious of other people. There are situations popping up all the time that have fostered the bitterness in my heart, and it’s not a pleasant way to live.

    Don’t complain to others (not even your husband) about your lost dreams and sorrows. I am not talking about being dishonest with others. But there is a huge difference between stating, “We are praying for a baby,” and complaining. Complaining is grumbling and insinuating that God has not been fair. It makes others uncomfortable and, more importantly, misrepresents God. God is sufficient to carry your burdens; leave them at the cross.

    It is all too easy for me to sink into depression when I feel my dream of having lots of kids slipping away. That’s where I was headed on Friday night. I believe in being transparent with others regarding my struggles, but I want to be clear that God is enough for me. He has already blessed me with so much, and I want to be a witness to the joy that hope in God gives despite difficulty. I don’t think I’ve done a good job with this lately.

    Even as I write this I am praying and willing my attitude to change because I’m still feeling very sad. When it comes down to it, though, I don’t want to be sad. My husband told me the other day when I was depressed, “Kathleen, I love you, and we are going to live a happy life together.” Right now the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. Having a baby won’t fulfill me; only God can do that. All the joy I could ever want or need is found in Him, and He needs to be my priority.

    And who knows but that He is preparing us for something special, beyond our wildest dreams.

  • an important week: some thoughts

    In about thirty minutes I’m going to make my epic return to work, and I wanted to take a second to get a few thoughts down before I go.

    ***

    One. After not working for awhile I’m wondering, will I remember how to do this? Will I remember how to manage my time, how to do all my skills, will I remember to do all the little pieces of charting that we’re required to do? I’m also wondering, how will people react to me today? After my two weeks off not only did I get a chemical peel that is still in the stages of healing (I know there will be some funny looks), but I’ve also decided to start wearing a lot less makeup.

    Two. Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to determine whether my follicles are ready, whatever that means. I have resisted the urge to Google the hell out of IUI’s because I don’t want to obsess over it, but it’s still hard to keep calm and think about other things. If all goes well I’ll be inseminated by the end of the week and in two weeks I could know for sure that I’m pregnant. That’s a weird thought. In two weeks the whole thing could have failed and I’ll have to deal with that disappointment. That’s a sad thought.

    Three. Somewhere in between working, doctor’s visits, and taking care of my husband and dogs, I intend to keep running despite the heat. I’ve decided to keep playing soccer this fall, and I’m tired of being out of shape. I also miss yoga, so I’d like to start back up with that this week. (See, I have to make decisions regardless of what happens with the IUI. I can’t not play soccer because I think I’ll be pregnant by then; that’s just asking for failure.)

    ***

    My thirty minutes are nearly up. Here’s hoping my first day of work goes well, and that I can stay awake till the end of my shift.

  • friday things: odds & ends

    I started watching Glee from the beginning tonight. My brother had told me that there was zero chance that I wouldn’t like it, and he was right. In fact, I teared up in the first episode because of how happy it made me. My husband watched it with me and commented on all the stereotypes and how it’s basically just a cheesy high school movie. I looked him in the eye and said, “I like that.”

    ***

    My in-laws have been keeping Oliver for us since before David’s surgery, but since they’re going on vacation in the morning we got him back tonight. Even though we’re a little nervous about how it’ll work out with the big guy around, I have to say that I’ve missed him.

    It wasn’t two seconds after I sat down that his whole body was in my lap!

    ***

    Here’s a little TMI for you: today was day one of my feminine cycle. I can honestly say that I’ve never looked forward to it so much, because after almost 20 months of trying & waiting for one reason or another we are finally proceeding with fertility treatment: ovulation induction with intrauterine insemination. I debated on whether or not to share this, but I figured I already went through one miscarriage with you and it turned out okay. So today, despite dealing with my usual horrendous cramps and accompanying nausea, I was actually excited. I got a baseline ultrasound and a prescription for Clomid, which I start on Sunday. For anyone who has taken it before, what can I expect?

    ***

    On my way home from the doctor’s office I dug around in my wallet and discovered a long-forgotten gift card to Smoothie King with $7 left on it! Total score. It’s the little things. Then I stopped by a store I had a Groupon for called One Green Street and picked up a few new organic products.

    One of my goals is to transition to all-natural personal care products, so I’m trying out some different kinds to see what I like best. I’ll be sure to let you know how I like these.

    ***

    Today was a success! What about you?