a new attitude (hopefully)

August 15, 2010

Last Tuesday an ultrasound showed that I had two lovely little follicles growing, they just weren’t big enough to do anything with yet. So I went back Friday, fully expecting them to have grown, only to be told that they were gone. The nurse didn’t know why, so I’m going to see my doctor on Wednesday to see what she thinks and to make a new plan for my next cycle.

I was crushed, but I didn’t have time to process it properly because I had to go straight to work. I worked until past 11 p.m. that night, and had to be back at 7 a.m. on Saturday. When I came home on Friday I went straight to bed hoping for at least a few hours of sleep, but instead I tossed and turned, and inevitably I started to cry. I prayed and wept and soaked in my disappointment until sometime in the early hours of the morning I fell asleep.

Come Saturday morning I was back at work, exhausted but alive. That day I found solace in my job, taking care of people in much worse situations that I’m in. I began to see the need for a different attitude, because this infertility isn’t just going to go away and I fully realize that it could be a struggle that we deal with for years and years. I can’t bear the thought of feeling the way I feel for that long.

When I finally had some time on Sunday I was searching around online for a Bible study geared toward infertile couples, and I came upon this blog post titled “What does the Bible teach us about infertility?” It hit me hard, and here are some quotes that stood out to me:

Be committed to fervent prayer concerning issues with infertility. It is God, not human technology that opens the womb.

I don’t know why, but I haven’t really been praying for this. I freely ask others to pray for me, and depend on those prayers, but when it comes down to it why don’t I have faith that God can do this for me?

While struggling with infertility, pride and jealousy are especially bothersome sins. I am not more worthy of conceiving than a teenager, welfare mom, or a mom that already has a lot of children. In God’s economy, our worth is identical.

I have spent way too much time lately feeling sorry for myself and being envious of other people. There are situations popping up all the time that have fostered the bitterness in my heart, and it’s not a pleasant way to live.

Don’t complain to others (not even your husband) about your lost dreams and sorrows. I am not talking about being dishonest with others. But there is a huge difference between stating, “We are praying for a baby,” and complaining. Complaining is grumbling and insinuating that God has not been fair. It makes others uncomfortable and, more importantly, misrepresents God. God is sufficient to carry your burdens; leave them at the cross.

It is all too easy for me to sink into depression when I feel my dream of having lots of kids slipping away. That’s where I was headed on Friday night. I believe in being transparent with others regarding my struggles, but I want to be clear that God is enough for me. He has already blessed me with so much, and I want to be a witness to the joy that hope in God gives despite difficulty. I don’t think I’ve done a good job with this lately.

Even as I write this I am praying and willing my attitude to change because I’m still feeling very sad. When it comes down to it, though, I don’t want to be sad. My husband told me the other day when I was depressed, “Kathleen, I love you, and we are going to live a happy life together.” Right now the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. Having a baby won’t fulfill me; only God can do that. All the joy I could ever want or need is found in Him, and He needs to be my priority.

And who knows but that He is preparing us for something special, beyond our wildest dreams.

Posted in: faith, motherhood, infertility, motherhood


Comments on a new attitude (hopefully)

  1. 1
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    From Emily:

    I’m really glad that you opened up and posted this. I can really relate to this post in a slightly different way – we aren’t ready to try having a baby yet. We don’t get married until November, I still have school debt that we want paid off before we try. I see my friends and family around us having babies and it sometimes makes me ache and even worse feel jealous.

    I’m just finding God at this time in my life and I’m still learning more and more everyday about myself and Him. This will be a post that I will come back and reread over and over and hopefully I can develope a better attitude as well!

    Thank you.

  2. 2
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    From Maria:

    What a beautifully honest post. I will pray that God brings you a baby in the time He feels is right for you. God is good and He knows what you need. Continue to trust in Him.

  3. 3
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    From Erin:

    Infertility is a hard, long, and scary struggle. Some days, it’s practically unbearable. Still, I think you have exactly the right attitude. Faith and prayer are such powerful tools when it comes to infertility. You’ll still have bad days, and you’ll still cry, but know that you are not alone.

  4. 4
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    From Stephany:

    I think you are adopting the right attitude. It’s hard to feel positive and hopeful when you have a doctor’s appointment like you had, and you are allowed to have those bad days, but it’s also important to find happiness with other things in life.

    I’m praying for you every day that a miracle will occur. Have faith!

  5. 5
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    From Nicole:

    I love how honest you are. Know that I’ll be praying for you too! :)

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    From Kyla Roma:

    See?? I keep telling you, you are amazing in how you’re working through this.

    “Right now the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. Having a baby won’t fulfill me; only God can do that.” This is what I think people mean when they say that someone has big, strong, incredible faith. You’re completely inspiring & graceful <3

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    From Rae:

    I completely agree with Kyla’s comment. I haven’t had to go through what you’re going through, and in situations remotely** like it I have to manipulate myself into taking a positive view. I think of how I will feel if in five years I get “my way” and realize that I wasted the last five years feeling miserable when they could have been spent happily waiting.

    Turning to God for your fulfillment now is a much, much better approach!

    **I don’t think that having to wait for a child or a house or anything else due to money or school or a job is anywhere close to issues such as known sub-fertility where one is questioning whether one will *ever* be able to have what is desired.

  8. 8
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    From David I Stagg:

    Kat,
    We love you and God loves you. Please relax a bit and let things happen. I hate to hear you sounding depressed.
    UD

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    From Katy:

    Oh, friend. I pray God fills you with Himself and that your fulfillment will be found first in Him. Remember that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. It’s a lesson I’m learning right now, too.

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    From Marchar:

    Kathleen,
    We are praying for you and David. It is hard to wait for God’s timing but God’s timing is perfect. God is in the business of working miracles. “He gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist”. In the last couple of years there were two young women in the Bible study that I was attending and they both wanted children so very much but were unable to get pregnant. As a group we prayed for them . . . that they would be able to have a child. For both of them, it wasn’t until they gave up trying that God worked. One had even started taking birth control pills in order to start the adoption process when she discovered she was pregnant. In both cases it was so obvious that God was at work. I’m praying for you and asking God to give you a child in His time. He is indeed a God of wonders and a God of miracles . . . nothing is too hard for Him. I love you!!!!

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    From Lauren From Texas:

    I’m so glad you’re beginning to find peace in all this. Although I must say, while complaining & grumbling aren’t always the best thing, sometimes you have to question & mourn a little to be able to sort through everything. There are a lot of examples of that in the Bible.

    Like I keep telling you, this is GOING to happen. We’re behind you, loving you & praying for you. That dream will not slip away, K. It just might be in a little different timing than you had thought.

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    From Liz:

    I know I am a couple weeks behind here, but I was really happy to come across this post this morning. After just coming off another failed cycle yesterday, I totally needed some encouragement and this has done it!

    I often struggle with God’s thoughts on me going through treatments. I know in the end, it is ultimately his decision and maybe this is teaching us patience? Not sure exactly, but your positive attitude on this and understanding that God is really all we need in the end has totally given me a well needed emotional check and I thank you for it!

    Good luck and I will be praying for your success as well!

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    From kapachino:

    I’m glad I could help, but I don’t want to make it seem like my attitude is always wonderful! Whenever I get bad news I have to fight very hard against depression. I can usually rally after a few days, but it’s tough.

    I’m so sorry things didn’t work out for you this cycle; I know how devastating it can be. At least we know that God does everything for our good, even if we can’t see it.

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