This is my first baby. She is awesome. She is so awesome that she makes me want to have more babies. But she is also so awesome that I am afraid to have more babies. That’s my thesis statement, and now on to the essay:
I’ve always wanted more than one kid. When people ask me how many I want I just say that we’ll have one and see how that goes, and if we have another we’ll see how that goes. We’ll figure it out as we go.
Well we have one now, and it is AMAZING. It’s better than I ever could have hoped. It took us two and a half years to have Meredith, and I would wait ten years for her if I had to.
It was really hard to wait those years though. When we decided we were ready for a baby, I was READY. It was two years of worry and emptiness and longing, not always in the forefront but always there.
Maybe this is why I still feel envious when I hear of someone getting pregnant. It’s crazy! I know this! I mean, I have a perfectly healthy baby who is only 7 months old. Because I had a C-section I was told to wait 18 months before getting pregnant again if I want to try a VBAC. But…we had to have medical help to get our baby, and I don’t know what round two will look like – if we’ll need help, or if it will even happen.
Since Meredith is so great, I’m not scared of having a newborn again. I loved having a newborn. I miss it. I want to have hundreds of babies!
Except…when I think about having another baby – an actual separate baby that is not Meredith – I get so anxious! What if I don’t love that baby as much? What if that baby isn’t as great as Meredith and I’m always comparing it to her? How can I ever not give Meredith my full attention? Is there any way that I can just have her all over again?
Anyway. I still want more babies and I will probably always feel some kind of envy when I hear about pregnancies. And yet I probably won’t get over this weird fear of a second baby until I actually have one.