thoughts on a birthday

February 5, 2014

Today is my birthday, I am 32 years old. So I’m giving myself the gift of a completely random blog post.

Here I am right now:

Photo on 2-5-14 at 9.09 AM

I have a cute baby. A fun and adorable toddler who is at school right now. An awesome, supportive husband. A close extended family and the best in-laws. I love my job, and I also love that I’m on break from it right now. I have it good. And yet this morning I was crying in the shower. Why? Hormones have to do with it. Meredith screaming all morning didn’t help. Taking this blood pressure medication that gives me frequent headaches and fatigue is throwing me off my game. Postpartum depression? I don’t know. Maybe a little. But I’m not myself these days, and I miss myself.

For the past three weeks I’ve been at home hanging out with Liam, not leaving the couch much. I’d say 50% of my days have been spent there, watching TV and stitching or reading. The rest of my time includes when David and Meredith are home, occasional showers, housework, and a few little outings. It’s become very comfortable for me on the couch, but there are other things I want to do and yet I’m finding it very hard to muster up the energy for them. I’m becoming a little lonely and sometimes sad.

Yesterday I finally made myself work on something new. First I filled out as much of Liam’s baby book as I could so far, and made a list of pictures to print for it. Then I prepped supplies for my 2013 holiday minibook:

minibook supplies

I hope it will come together quickly, because I still have a whole lot of Project Life to catch up on. These things sound fun in my head but when I sit down to work on them I just stare.

So far on my leave I have read one book (Margot by Jillian Cantor) and started another (Joyland by Stephen King). I have watched the entire series of Sherlock and season one of Game of Thrones, plus a couple seasons of 30 Rock (I only have about ten episodes left in the whole series). I’m starting season two of Downton Abbey this week. I have stitched the frame and six squares of the autumn sampler. I have eaten lots and lots of food and drank more coffee than I need. I took Meredith and Liam on one walk and felt like a rockstar while I was doing it, then I came home and collapsed.

I don’t want today to feel just like every other day. So I’m going to go have another cup of coffee and add some hot chocolate mix to it. Then I’m going to put Liam in a carrier and wear him while making chocolate chip cookies and eating the dough. I’m going to browse my favorite websites for inspiration, and then I’m going to work on my minibook for awhile. And then I’ll probably come back to the couch because I’m tired already just thinking about all of this.

Posted in: personal, me

Comments on thoughts on a birthday

  1. 1

    From Word Lily:

    Happy birthday! Mine was yesterday (although a bigger number than yours). I struggle when my birthday is really just a normal, humdrum, day. Hope you find some joy in this Wednesday.

  2. 2

    From kapachino:

    Happy birthday to you too! At least I’m off work, so that’s nice. Hopefully my daughter will be in a better mood later. :)

  3. 3

    From Toni:


    First of all, Happy Birthday!!

    I can relate (sort of). I have been living on my couch watching endless random TV while waiting for renovations to complete. Average temps of 35-40 degree’s do not help. The ONLY time I leave is to walk the dogs. I have to do that, otherwise I wouldn’t leave at all!! I miss people I know.

    You are a wonderful Mom and I know for a fact a TERRIFIC nurse. Hang in there, it will get better.

  4. 4

    From Melanie:

    Happy Birthday!

    Good job with all the project goals. I find myself sitting down and just staring, too. Though usually I don’t even have a specific goal in mind when I sit down, so you’re ahead of the game there!

    There are many seasons and mini-seasons of motherhood, soon you will get your groove back! It’s no small feat to deal with a toddler, birth a baby, and recover from surgery!

    Have a happy rest of the day! (I am pretty sure choc chip cookie dough makes anything better!)

  5. 5

    From Mindy:

    I appreciate your honesty here…having two little ones is tough! Absolutely awesome, but hard, especially in the beginning. I think making little goals everyday is huge, and helps me too…often none of them get done, but it’s all good. They will, at some point. :) Soon the sleepless nights taper off, and you have a new normal. But I knew how you feel, in my own way, with being down and out. You’re not alone!

  6. 6

    From Mindy:

    And happy birthday! Your baby boy is a doll!

  7. 7

    From Nora:

    Happy Birthday, dear friend. I’ve been feeling similar to how you are, for different reasons of course. I want to do normal things but it takes a lot of energy and the end of the day I’m spent.

    I hope the cookies are amazing, that Meredith gives you a giant hug later today and that you give yourself permission to be you- whatever that means on this day, in this moment. I think you’re a rockstar all of the time! xo

  8. 8

    From Sarah:

    Happy Birthday! If we ever meet, I feel like we would get along well. I feel very much like this sometimes. I think it is natural to some degree, to go through low periods, but that doesn’t make it any easier or more enjoyable. I hope you feel more like yourself soon.

  9. 9

    From Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout:

    Happy Birthday! I’m glad you’re doing some things for you! And hopefully you’ll get some spoiling from your husband and extended family, too. It’s tough when you have a new baby, but I have to say, ever since having kids, you don’t really get to have a day all to yourself the way you did before. Sending you some birthday love!

  10. 10

    From Stephany:

    First, I just want to say a big HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY! Birthdays are a big deal, so I hope your day was good.

    Secondly, I really, really, really love how honest and real you are about these first few weeks of motherhood. I mean, I don’t love how you’re feeling lately, but I do love that you create this accurate portrait for all of us non-mothers. If I ever have a kid and feel overwhelmed by everything, you’re the one I’m coming to for advice! :) Hope those hormones start evening out soon.

    (And I do hope you had tons of cookie dough. Cookie dough is honestly the best.)

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