On Saturday night David and I had a little heart to heart. He told me something that was hard to hear, something that I immediately wanted to make excuses for, or dismiss. It didn’t fit with my idea of myself.
He told me that I never seem happy.
I got defensive because I’m an optimist. I am rarely angry. I’m calm. In my mind, I am happy most of the time. I love my life and there isn’t much I would change about it. But obviously, there was a reason that David came to me with that; he doesn’t just make stuff up. I must not be acting happy.
I thought about it, and I have some reasons: I haven’t been sleeping well because Liam is up a lot at night. My running mileage is increasing and my body is sore and tired. I’m an introvert and I haven’t had much time to myself lately to recharge. All this intense parenting is wearing me out.
But then I realized: that’s life. I’m a working mom with two little kids. I’m always going to be tired. I’m rarely going to have time to myself. I’m always going to have to prioritize personal projects and I’ll never be able to get the amount done that I want to. I know life goes in phases and one day this will change, but right now this is where I’m at.
I’ve been letting circumstances determine my attitude, and although it may not show to the rest of the world, my husband recognizes when I’m grumpy. Although I’ve been doing daily Bible study, it’s just been something on my to-do list. I haven’t been letting it sink in. I haven’t been practicing gratitude.
On Sunday the kids needed me all day long. David was sick, so I was mostly on my own. It was wet and cold outside. The kids refused to nap. But I was determined to have a better attitude. We did a lot of puzzles. We watched some Mickey Mouse Club. We baked cookies. I think I did better. I acted happier, because I am happy.
But…I am also tired. That’s still true. And I feel a bit chaotic inside, and I don’t like that. So I’m going to pull back on some things, release my expectations. I probably won’t be posting here every day like I have been. Some projects that I want to get to might have to wait. I think it’s time for me to slow down.