kapachino

Category: me

  • “Don’t Give Up; Moses Was Once A Basketcase Too”

    You know that feeling when something so big and unexpected is going on in your life, and your whole world – what you thought it was, and your dreams and expectations for the future – is turned upside down, and nothing is the same or will be the same, yet everything is the same and you have to keep on living your life – going to work, doing school projects, singing at church (although you give up little things like trying to eat right – instead you hardly have an appetite one day, and the next you eat nothing but ice cream and greasy fried rice – and you forget about trying to keep your exercise schedule even though you know it would help you feel better) – but your heart and mind aren’t in any of it, and the thing that is distracting you is beyond your control, so you are powerless to do anything besides pray, which you do because you are desperate but part of you is skeptical that it’s actually doing anything, and you feel guilty for thinking such a thought, and the whole thing is just so hard to talk about, yet all you want to do is talk about it, but you have a strong suspicion that soon your friends are going to get tired of it, and they will stop calling to check up on you because they have normal lives and they assume you’ve adjusted to your situation, and they have nothing left to say to you anyway, and really you’re just so scared, you feel so small and isolated, and you think that life has let you down because it wasn’t supposed to be like this?

    Yeah, me too.

  • This Is Getting Old, But Apparently I’m Not

    I was studying at a coffee shop today, when one of the employees said to me, “I didn’t know high schoolers got such big textbooks!” I replied, “Actually, this is my second degree.”

    This is a variation on a common question/comment I get about my age. It’s one thing to be mistaken for a youngster by an older person, but this guy looked like he’s about 19 himself. I’m just wondering, at what age am I going to quit being mistaken for a high schooler? Honestly I don’t think I look like one.

  • Yep, I’m Smart

    I had dinner with a friend tonight and it was only when I couldn’t find my keys afterwards that I realized I had locked them in the car. With the engine running. The ENTIRE time.

    I just dyed my hair brown last week. Shouldn’t I be getting smarter, not dumber?

  • The Hidden Part Of Me

    This summer I have been doing my psychiatric nursing rotation. Most patients stay for 6-8 weeks at the facility where I’m doing my clinical, and many types of disorders are treated. The first half of the summer I was on a unit for young adults; most of them were there for rehab. But the last two weeks and the rest of the summer I am on the OCD unit.

    I am really enjoying this unit because the patients are a lot easier to talk to and the staff is much more engaging. My first week there, one of the nurses got me involved with the patients and challenged me to think about my understanding of the disorder. He did this through hands-on activities–literally. Example: because many of the patients have issues with contamination, he shook my hand long and tight, then asked me to lick my fingers. I did this. Later, he asked me if I could lick my shoe. I said that yes, I probably could. I got out of doing this (thankfully), but he did it himself.

    He also asked me if I have noticed any OCD tendencies in myself. Now, I have loooooong known about my OCD traits. I am going to go ahead and tell you about some of them.

    >My main issue is symmetry. Symmetry everywhere, but especially on my own body. I must have the same amount and consistency of food on either side of my mouth when I eat. My steps must be symmetrical, as in if I step on a crack with my right foot I must also step on a crack with my left. If I scuff my right foot on the ground I must scuff my left with the same amount of force. If I step on the carpet with my right foot I must step on the carpet with my left foot. If I touch something cold with my right hand I must touch something cold with my left hand. And so on!

    >When I am driving, I notice the sections of grass that are outlined by roads, sidewalks, driveways, etc. For each one of these I see, I must blink.

    >Speaking of blinking, I sometimes get stuck in a blinking ritual that I can’t stop until it “feels right.”

    >There are other oddities that I think are related, such as my love for straight lines and my obsession with my planner, but I think these might be just more related to my personality.

    When I told the nurse on the OCD unit about this, I became quite anxious. When I left that day I determined that I was going to try harder to resist my compulsions. They are not to the point where they disrupt my life, and I want to keep it that way.

    Here are some examples of things I have run across so far in clinical:

    >A young man is so afraid of germs, especially those from homosexuals and old people, that after shaking an elderly man’s hand he tried to sterilize his own hand by burning it. He also was in the habit of cleaning his nose and eyes with Ajax.

    >I saw a guy today randomly picking up books from the table and putting them back down. When asked what he was doing, he said, “The table can’t breathe underneath there, I have to pick them up!”

    >I worked with a girl who couldn’t step on cracks, corners, or thresholds or else she had thoughts that something terrible would happen to her family members. If she didn’t cross a threshold correctly she had to go back and do it again. It got to the point where she couldn’t make it out of her house for school. She also counted all her steps in groups of fives, and repeated many phrases and actions in groups of fives.

    It’s a very interesting unit. I think I also like it much better because this is definitely the psychiatric disorder that I relate most closely to. Have any of you noticed any OCD tendencies in yourself?

  • I Moved

    Saturday I moved into my new apartment with the help of my loving father, wonderful brother, amazing boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s always-helpful and devoted father. They helped me even when I casually mentioned to them right beforehand that the new place is on the third floor.

    It was a long day, and I am still sore from it all (not to mention I played a soccer game that morning). Since I was planning to paint my bedroom I put all of my stuff in the middle of the room and then there wasn’t room for my bed. I’ve been sleeping out in the middle of the living room for the past two nights.

    Yesterday I painted with the help of my mother, boyfriend, and his father. My room is now a pretty shade of blue called “Lighthouse Shadow,” but my stuff is still all piled in the center of the room. I have to organize things today because tomorrow the movers come with all Amanda’s furniture and my bed will need to be out of the way. So that’s what I plan to do today just as soon as I can get myself out of this class.

    Once we get everything all set up I will introduce you via photographs to my new place, and soon I will also introduce you to my new roommates. But for now I will be hard at work, and without internet access until the end of the week when we get it installed. I’ll post if I can until then, but otherwise I’ll catch up with you all in a few days.

    Happy Monday. :)