My word for 2018 is Courage.

Originally, it was going to be Serenity. I was tired of being in survival mode, feeling chaotic, stressed out about my circumstances. I wanted peace. I am deep in the recovery world now, and the Serenity Prayer is one we recite often:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Serenity is being in the eye of the storm. Everything may be crazy around you, but you have the ability to remain calm.

I do want serenity. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my personality naturally seeks out peace and calm. That is always going to be something I am searching for. And usually, I get it by unhealthy means: avoiding conflict, stuffing emotions down, and escaping.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can…

It struck me one day that Courage is the active word in the second line of the prayer.

Courage: the quality of mind or spirit to face difficulty, danger, or pain without fear. Strength in the face of pain or grief.

I think that in order to find true serenity I am going to need courage. The things I can change are not other people, or outside circumstances. The things I can change are inside of me: my attitude and my behaviors.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

***

P.S. David is back in rehab right now, and he will most likely be there for another month. It has been a roller coaster ride, but right now I am hopeful for our future. I’m working on setting up systems of sustainability and routines in our life to manage the everyday while still taking care of myself. There are so many more things that I want to write about and share here, but as you can imagine it’s hard to find the time and the energy. However, this year I want to prioritize recreation and blogging is something I miss doing for fun, so I hope to find a way to make it happen.