I was happy to be interviewed by Amber at Girl with the Red Hair for her Monday Meeting Featured Career. I know I had no idea what being a nurse was really like until I decided to become one, and you might not either. Go visit her blog today and read about the ups and downs of nursing, a typical shift, and why it’s not exactly like Grey’s Anatomy. And if you’re interested in stories, check out my nursing thread!
I was rushing around today at work, busy as usual. Even though I’m not giving chemo right now, there’s still plenty to do. I was in the middle of admitting a patient when my manager came to the door to get me. I read her lips, and that’s how I discovered that one of my other patients had just died.
It was somewhat expected by this point, although the disease conquered her in just a few months. The family wanted an autopsy done, not because they didn’t know why she had died, but because she was the kind of person who would have wanted her death to mean something. They wanted as much knowledge to come out of it as possible.
I know that I come into contact with death more than the average girl, but each time is uniquely difficult. Today I felt the stark contrast of the new life that is taking shape in my body with the bleak scene in front of me. As I gently cleaned my patient’s body and wrapped it in the shroud, my hand reached idly to touch my forehead, where the trace of ashes still remained.
Remember that you came from dust, and to dust you will return.
Yesterday was my amazing husband’s birthday, and I wanted to make it a happy one for him even though I had to work 12 hours and we aren’t “celebrating” until tonight. I woke up in a great mood, decorated a bit, left his personal gift from me out for him to find when he woke up, and headed to work. He loved the gift and had a great day at work. I was trying to keep in touch with him and be extremely positive, but around noon some things started happening that made it hard for me to do that.
I could draw these stories out and make you cry, because I certainly did, but I don’t want to be gratuitous. So I’ll just tell you in brief. First, I spent almost three hours literally standing at the bedside of a patient with her family, giving medications to keep her comfortable as we watched her die, explaining the process to them as it happened in front of our eyes. Afterwards it was my job to spend some one-on-one time with the body removing the invasive equipment and preparing it to be picked up.
Not thirty minutes after that was taken care of, before I really had any time to mentally process it, the code blue alarm went off. This doesn’t happen often on our unit because patients are usually made DNR by the time their disease gets extremely serious. But for the past year we have been taking care of a 24-year-old girl who was pregnant when she found out she had an inoperable tumor wrapped around her heart. Our unit kind of adopted her, and when her baby was born via C-section at 23 weeks we gave her a baby shower. She’s from New Mexico so she didn’t have any supplies here in Houston at the apartment she’d been renting. I’ve had her picture on my refrigerator for months so I’d remember to pray for her and her family.
Yesterday when the code alarm went off it was because her heart stopped pumping and she stopped responding. Unfortunately, her mother wasn’t in the room at the time so we were forced to do all we could to bring her back. If you have never witnessed a scene such as this in real life, you are blessed. There is no thought of modesty as the clothes are ripped off in order to do CPR and defibrillation. The room is swarming with people while the patient is intubated, chest pounded, and stuck with needles. I was one of the first ones there so I ended up being the one pushing medications, applying the heart paddles, and when her IV needle pulled out I had to insert a new one as fast as possible.
We finally got in touch with her mother after almost thirty minutes of CPR with no response at all from the patient, and her mother told us not to continue. She was gone. We quickly cleaned her, removed the tubes and wires, and closed her eyes. Then we went outside and took turns hugging her mother and crying with her. I couldn’t cry long though, because my other patients needed me, and they needed me to be happy as usual, as if nothing had happened.
An hour later I was on my way home to watch UT lose. I wish they would have won, mostly because it meant a lot to my husband, but after the day I had it didn’t seem as important as it had that morning.
I didn’t intend to write this much, but I guess I just needed to get it out. Nurses grieve for their patients, and this is part of me moving on. I hope I can put it away for the rest of the day and give my husband the birthday celebration that he deserves.
So Christmas happened, and I kind of feel like I missed it.
The day itself was fantastic: Lil Smokies, banana bread, coffee, and OJ for breakfast at my parents’ house, cuddling with my husband on the couch, opening stockings and presents, four dogs playing in the discarded wrapping paper, becoming obsessed with Words With Friends and playing against my brothers all day, my in-laws coming over for a delicious meal, and seeing Sherlock Holmes.
The problem was, it was over so fast. It’s really tough to get vacation days around the holidays when you work in a hospital, so I didn’t ask for any. I worked up until Christmas Eve, then I worked all weekend and finished up with a long shift yesterday. Apart from the long hours, it’s just been tough lately. I don’t want to get into it, but suffice it to say that my job is one where taking vacations are a necessity. I didn’t ask for Christmas off, but I’m taking five days starting Thursday and it can’t come soon enough.
I don’t know if I’ve ever looked forward to a new year as much as I do this one. The short vacation helps, but like Stephanie said, it may be cliche but New Years’ works for me psychologically. For some reason it really feels like a fresh start. I’ll be sharing with you soon some of the changes and resolutions I plan to make. You may scoff, but I make realistic goals for the new year and I more often than not achieve them. It’s how I got myself to floss, quit texting while driving, and ride my bike more.
Well, I’ve already spent more time than I planned on the computer this morning. I have chores and errands to catch up with, a doctor’s appointment, and a possible movie date with my brother to see Nine. All this is going to get done if I can just get out of bed…
I’ve gotta teach myself to schedule these posts ahead of time. It’s just not happening tonight.
Today I found out that five of our patients died over the weekend. I took care of seven patients. I barely sat down for twelve hours. Can you forgive me this lazy post?
Lately I feel like I’m always complaining about how tired I am because of work. Yeah, I am exhausted after these long days, but ordinarily I wouldn’t be trying to blog on days like this. It’s just because I’m forcing myself to write every day this month that you are gaining insight into this side of me. I apologize if it is boring or annoying, but just bear with me for another week. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some sleeping to do.
