kapachino

Category: me

  • Workin On It

    Well, I’m feeling a bit better.

    I can’t say that I’m back to my usual self yet. I still get overwhelmed by small stresses that shouldn’t faze me. I still don’t have the energy I’m used to, and I haven’t recovered all the joy I lost for things like reading, being active, and participating in this lovely online community. Honestly, right now I’m barely participating in my real life community. I still notice physical discomfort more than I should.

    But I’m getting better, and I’ve been working really hard to keep going that direction.

    First, I needed cut back on some responsibilities and give myself a break, so I turned over the reigns of the church youth group to David and his brother Scott. I still want to be involved with these kids, but right now I can’t be the one in charge. I also put a halt on any projects around the house, and just did what I had to do to keep things tidy-ish. (I still had to keep doing chores because at a certain point the state of the house would just add to my insanity.) A little over a week ago David said a willing goodbye to his walker, and since then he’s been helping me with errands which is such a relief.

    Something else that has been stressing me out is our finances, since David was off work for an extended period of time. So we began attending Financial Peace University, and although it’s a difficult program, the hope it offers to pay off debt and build wealth is unmatched. David went back to work this week, so we will have a little breathing room in our budget again soon.

    I’ve been exercising. I haven’t felt like it most of the time, but I know the power of endorphins. I play soccer every other weekend (which practically kills me) and then I’m running the Couch to 5k program on my days off, and I’m on week 5. I don’t even try to run on days I work right now. I think my fitness is improving.

    David and I decided to go back to see our counselor again. It took a couple weeks to get an appointment, but our first session is today. Our marriage is wonderful – we celebrated two years on Sunday – but this has been a difficult time for both of us so we want to talk it out together. Even though David has been physically hindered for the past few months, emotionally he has been holding me up. I’m so grateful for him.

    One of the biggest decisions I made was to see a nutritionist. Since I recently stopped eating meat for the most part, and for over a month I hadn’t really been feeling well, I decided I needed professional advice. I talked to her about everything from my physical symptoms to my depression to my infertility. She was wonderfully hopeful and put me on supplements for energy and to regulate my cycle. She also recommended that I try a gluten and dairy free diet. Gluten, because it has probably either caused or at least exacerbated my polycystic ovarian syndrome. Dairy, because many people are intolerant of it and they just don’t realize it. She thinks she can get me pregnant without medical intervention, so I’m willing to give it a shot. The diet, though, is hard. I’m still getting used to it.

    So that’s my update. I miss this space, and I miss being in touch. I know I’m not doing very well at reaching out, but every time someone sends me an email or a message or a note in the mail, I get a little bit happier. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  • Silence

    I’m just going to come out and say it. For the past few weeks, as far as I can tell, I’ve been dealing with an episode of depression. This isn’t something I have a history with, but all signs point that way and it’s the most likely reason for all of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing.

    Loss of appetite. Tired all the time despite sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Absolutely no energy. Headaches. Stomachaches. Crying spells. Withdrawal from friends, family, and the online community. No interest in the things that I usually enjoy.

    It took me by surprise considering I’m generally such a happy, optimistic person. I can usually take whatever comes at me. It also came on gradually. I suppose it’s not so crazy that I’m feeling this way considering all we’ve been through this past year. I’m guessing everything has just been building up until my mind & body finally caved.

    The fact that I’m writing this, though, is an improvement. I want to be able to say that I’ve turned a corner and I’m on my way out of this despair, but I don’t know if that’s true yet. I’m working on it, at least on all of the things that are in my control, which isn’t much.

    I guess I don’t know what else to say about this. It’s strange.

  • Ten On Tuesday: The College Edition

    I’m jumping back in with Ten on Tuesday hosted by Chelsea this week, because the questions are all about college and I loved my college and the whole experience.

    I do have two degrees from two different schools, but my nursing school experience was nontraditional so I won’t be talking about that here.

    1. Where did you go to college?
    I went to Tabor College in Hillsboro, Kansas. It had about 500 students in a town of 3000 surrounded by farmland. We literally ran around the entire town during some soccer conditioning practices.

    David’s first visit to Tabor last year.

    2. What did you study?
    I majored in Christian ministry and philosophy. I originally wanted to work at a Christian camp, but my education was actually geared toward leading youth groups in churches. I now consider nursing my ministry, and I help lead our church youth group as a volunteer.

    The whole philosophy thing was just for fun. I had a great professor and it was a pretty small load of hours.

    3. Was college really all that it was cracked up to be?
    Definitely. I chose the perfect school, and I thrived. You’d think that a place that small and that different from what I’m used to would be boring, but I made the best friends and got really involved in activities (soccer, choir, band, leading a local church youth group, intramural sports, even drama). I also learned so much and I know I’m a better person because of the classes and professors at Tabor. I consider it my life degree.

    4. How far were you from home?
    I just mapped it, and it’s 675 miles. It took about eleven hours driving.

    I feel like I know every inch of this drive, and all its variations.

    5. Did you have the same roommate all four years?
    No; the first semester I was paired with another soccer player, Katie, and although we had some good times we didn’t work as roommates at all. She was the kind of person who would ask you a question and then walk away while you were in the middle of answering her.

    We went our separate ways, and I moved in with a friend I’d made named Sara. She and I lived together the first semester of sophomore year too, until she went to pharmacy school. I got one semester in my own room, then junior year I lived in a house with three good friends and roomed with my best friend Becca. That was the best year.

    Me with my housemates from junior year.

    First semester senior year I lived with a friend named Iva in a room meant for one person. We had fun, but she moved home second semester and I was again alone.

    6. Where did you order food from at 2am?
    I never ordered food, but we did have some late night McDonald’s runs. That was until the McDonald’s went out of business (can you imagine a place where a McDonald’s actually goes out of business??)

    7. Did you date in college or were you tied down?
    I had a pattern: I dated a different guy at the beginning of every year but we were always broken up by Christmas, and not by my choice. I learned a lot about heartbreak in college.

    8. Funniest drunk college moment?
    I’ve actually never been drunk. Tabor required us to sign a lifestyle contract (it was a Christian school) and I followed it for the most part.

    9. Did you make it to class on time?
    I always made it, but I didn’t always stay awake. It was interesting to look back at the notes I took from morning classes, because you could tell right where I nodded off.

    10. What was your favorite class in college?
    My absolute favorite was a class on the life and writings of C.S. Lewis. In second place is a class on the Book of John, which was incidentally the hardest class I took.

    I’ve been back for Tabor’s homecoming every single year since I graduated; that’s how much I loved it. Some of my best friends live up there, and now my former pastor is the president of the school. Unfortunately an ex of mine who I met in college (we started dating long distance after I graduated) began borderline harassing me after we broke up – all the way until last year when I had to threaten him with getting a lawyer. I’m kind of scared to go back now because it’s a small enough place that I might bump into him and how awkward would that be?

  • my first chemical peel & microdermabrasion

    During my two weeks off I got pretty used to not wearing makeup. When you’re in the hospital for three days and then don’t leave the house for the next week there’s really no need for it. Through this I discovered something very important about myself: I hate putting on makeup. For that matter, I hate blow-drying my hair and styling it too, but that’s a topic for a different day.

    I’m at the point in my life where I want to minimize things that don’t make me happy, and I’m making a big push for a simpler lifestyle. Now, I’m not willing to go completely bare-faced in public, but I decided to take steps that might allow me to one day do just that.

    Enter Groupon. Y’all know about Groupon, right? For those of you that don’t, let me share the good news: just sign up and they’ll email you a deal a day for your city. But be careful, it’s addicting. Anyway, recently the deal for Houston was $40 for $85 worth of skin care services at Body Envy. Since I’d always wanted to try microdermabrasion I figured I might as well get it for cheap!

    Last week I went in for a free consultation, and I talked with the esthetician about what the best treatment for my skin would be. Usually microdermabrasion is done in a package of once a month for 6 months, but since I’m cheap I only wanted a single session. So the esthetician recommended that I get a mild chemical peel on top of the microdermabrasion, which would penetrate deeper and give me more bang for my buck. Great idea! I thought.

    Two days later I was back for my treatment. She cleaned my face twice, then came the microderm. She used a little machine to remove the very surface layer of skin. It stung a little in places, like near my ear and under my eyes, but it goes fast. When that was done she applied a prep for the chemical peel, and that burned like crazy. I had to fan myself and practice deep breathing techniques, but the worst soon passed. The peel itself (lactic acid) wasn’t as bad as the prep, but it wasn’t a walk in the park, either. She left it there for three minutes or so, then wiped it off with a warm towel and applied a neutralizer. After the whole thing, she put on some lotion and powdered sunscreen, gave me some samples, and taught me what to do at home for the next week.

    Right away my face looked mildly puffy, but it subsided after a couple hours.

    Not too bad, right? I was warned that because of the combination treatment that I might have a few little scratches on my face, but the next day I woke up to discover this:

    For several days I looked like I had an unfortunate run-in with an angry cat. This is pretty much what I looked like when I returned to work, and I got a lot of questions. Mostly, “What happened to your face?” but there were also some assumptions like, “Did you fall?” and “Did your husband beat you?” Just kidding, that’s just David’s paranoia. ;)

    It’s been almost a week, and although I can still feel a few rough spots the worst of it is gone.

    Supposedly I’ll see the most improvement in my skin after a month or so. I can already tell that it looks clearer and more even than before, and I’m hopeful that it will decrease my need for makeup. Even though it wasn’t the most pleasant process, I really recommend it. One day I’d love to do a deeper peel, but it’ll have to be at a time that I can stay at home for a couple of weeks, because I don’t want to go in public looking like I have a disease.

    As far as makeup I wear currently, I’ll put on a touch of concealer if I have a blemish, Colorescience Sunforgettable powdered sunscreen spf 30, Bare Minerals powdered foundation spf 15, a little Nars Madly blush if I’m going out, and mascara (currently Maybelline Lash Stilleto, but it changes). I’m on the hunt for an all-natural blush and mascara. I ditched eyeliner and eye shadow because that was the most annoying part for me, but right now I don’t ever see myself giving up mascara.

    Here I am today, ready to head to work:

    From this picture I see that I’ll have to work on those eye wrinkles (getting old!) and I could probably use some lip gloss!

    Now your turn. Have you had experience with microderm or chemical peels? What do you think about reducing the amount of beauty products and makeup you use? Any recommendations you’d like to share?

  • A Different Kind Of Vacation

    It’s been a week since David had his surgery, and four days since we’ve been home recovering.

    Clockwise from top left: the patient’s domain, my home nursing shelf, Cleo wondering what’s going on around here, and the huge pile of snacks that we’ve amassed.

    My patient is improving by leaps & bounds, and soon he’ll be zooming around. But for the first month he still can’t put any weight on his right leg and he can’t drive himself anywhere. That means he still needs help doing some fairly simple things like going to the bathroom, showering, and having meals prepared. In addition to activities of daily living, I also have to give him a shot in his belly once a day, give him his medication, help him do his physical therapy, & change his surgical dressing once a day.

    I love having my husband as a patient, but in the meantime I don’t think I’ve been taking very good care of myself. The only time I leave the house is to get the mail, go to the pharmacy, or attend a previously set obligation. I sleep late, don’t shower till midafternoon (if at all), hardly ever put on makeup, and eat junk. Then there’s the fact that David’s family is getting ready to leave on their vacation that we were supposed to go on, while I’m faced with the prospect of going back to work with nothing to look forward to. The result of this lifestyle & attitude is that I have been getting progressively more and more depressed.

    This morning David gave me a wake-up call when he told me that he was really worried about me & that he was feeling guilty about being the cause of my sadness. In reality it has nothing to do with him – I absolutely love all the time we’re getting to spend together – but obviously I’m just not being good to myself. When I have days off from work during the week I’ll routinely spend all day at home and enjoy it, but doing that for an extended period of time is just not healthy for me.

    So this is what I’m doing to get happy again:

    First, I had a cup of coffee and took a few deep breaths.

    Next, I called work and told my boss that I’m taking another week off. I don’t want to stress about going back too soon or feel guilty that I should be there and not at home. I want a little more time to relax.

    Finally, I made a list of fun and – since we’re kind of broke right now – free things I can do at home or in the area in the next week that will make me happy and make it seem a little like vacation. This is my list so far:

    • Take the dogs to the dog park
    • Start running again
    • Watch Glee on Netflix
    • Visit the Orange Show Monument and Beer Can House
    • Use the spa gift card my family got me
    • Use the Groupons I have stored: one for microdermabrasion, another for products at an earth-friendly store
    • Go to the yoga studio
    • See a movie (I have a couple free passes I got at work)
    • Send some “just because” cards
    • Figure out some sort of project to do around the house

    So far so good, I think. It starts now.

    What about you? If you had a week to spend at home and not much money to spend, what would you do to make it into a vacation?